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Supreme Court permanently bans Swarthmore parties

After the Swarthmore Borough Police shut down every party on campus since the First Party, the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania issued a permanent ban on parties—wet and dry—on Swarthmore College’s campus. In a statement to the Phoenix on Friday, the Court declared
September 15, 2016

Liberals host festival to target right

In hopes to unite all liberal and left-leaning students toward fighting against and exterminating every trace of conservatism and libertarianism on campus, leaders of Swatties for Hillary, College Democrats, and Democratic Socialists of Swarthmore co-hosted the first ever Swatting the Right (SwatRight)
September 8, 2016

FDA classifies internet as an addictive substance

SILVER SPRING — A spokesperson for the U.S. Food & Drug Administration released a statement on Monday warning Americans about a powerful modern drug with the potential to poison our minds and bodies: it’s called Internet. “We know it’s difficult to define
April 22, 2016

Yik Yak against social justice requirement

ATLANTA— Word of Swarthmore College’s proposed social justice academic requirement has reached the inboxes of the sixty employees at Yik Yak, a social media application popular amongst millennials, and the company has released a public statement denouncing the suggestion. “Our app is
March 24, 2016
Hannah Joo '16 and Bryn Mawr student Léma Andrews-Hirano perform at the RnM showPhoto by Ellen Sanchez-Huerta '13

National Football League sued for trademark infringement

National Football League sued for defamation and trademark infringement Santa Clara— The Northern Fowl Legion (NFL), a global non-profit organization invested in the conservation of rare birds and raptors, plans to sue the National Football League on grounds of defamation and trademark
February 11, 2016

Black student ends life with staph infection

THIS PIECE IS SATIRICAL CENTER CITY— Asher Johnson, 17, died last Monday from a Staphylococcus aureus (staph) infection after a BB gun pellet accidentally lodged into his eye socket in November. The young musical theatre star, a junior at a prestigious area
December 7, 2015

Suburban family dines out, server ends up in hysterics

Palo Alto, CA— After their 8-year-old son, Carter, was nominated Student of the Week at Tree Branch Wisdom elementary school, Jon and Linda Schaeffer decided to treat him and their 5-year-old daughter, Daisy, to a dinner out. “We thought he’d choose something
November 19, 2015

Donald trump’s alleged hair reeks of corpses

MIDTOWN— Carrying around lengthy garlands of patchouli, Donald Trump’s staff at Trump Tower in Manhattan anonymously revealed their experiences with the real estate tycoon’s luscious locks on Tuesday. Rosalinda*, a maitre d’ from Nicaragua, refused to comment on the garland around her
November 5, 2015
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