Liberals host festival to target right

In hopes to unite all liberal and left-leaning students toward fighting against and exterminating every trace of conservatism and libertarianism on campus, leaders of Swatties for Hillary, College Democrats, and Democratic Socialists of Swarthmore co-hosted the first ever Swatting the Right (SwatRight) Festival. Held the day before Labor Day on Sept. 4 at Parrish Beach and Mertz Field, every student-led organization on campus, except for the Swarthmore Conservative Society, was invited to help contribute to the school-wide event.

“The point of this event was to turn every Swattie into a liberal,” said Chelsea Flipflop ’17, president of Swatties for Hillary. “We want to make it clear that the liberal way is the one and only right way for Swarthmore, for Pennsylvania, and for America. We want to crush the few conservatives on campus—particularly the idiots running the Swarthmore Conservative Society—and make them incapable of advocating for their peculiar right-wing values and thoughts. Thankfully, our institution is already a very left-leaning place, and now it is our duty to drill even more liberalism into the community to make it as progressive as our role model Hillary was when she entered college… Oh wait… ”

The event was set up like a carnival, with each activity exuding anti-conservative messages in various forms. The most popular booth, according to Flipflop, was the Republican Piñata, which featured various piñatas bearing the faces of various Republican politicians—current and former—including the Bushes, Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, and Donald Trump. One piñata bore the face of Mitchell McKoch ’18, president of the Swarthmore Conservative Society.

“These events help trigger hatred toward Republicans and their ideals in the community,” said William Carter ’17, president of the College Democrats. “Conservatives and their views do not deserve any form of respect in our community. All they care about is money and power. What else is there to understand about the right other than that? It’s simply not worth my time to try to comprehend the views crafted by a bunch of rich old white men that cannot care less about our country.”

In order to further drill the event’s main purpose into the community, the three organizations designed and hung large posters all around the campus. Residence halls Alice Paul, David Kemp, Mertz, and Parrish, as well as Clothier and Sharples Dining Hall, all of which border the site of the festival, were covered in gigantic posters that blared provocative anti-Republican and anti-conservative messages. The poster on Parrish Hall, which covered the entire building, was particularly viewed as “iconic” by attendees, featuring unflattering caricatures of Republican politicians, along with the words, “Scumbag Republicans doing scumbag things for the money.”  

“Everyone knows that the Republican Party is being driven by big money donors, and the politicians in the Republican Party are doing their jobs not for the people but for the money,” said Bernardo Colonel ’18, president of the Democratic Socialists of Swarthmore. “Essentially, we have a problem if the millionaires and the billionaires in this country are buying elections to their favor. That’s what Hill… I mean the Republicans are doing—flattering big money conglomerates and acting for their interests instead of the general American public. We need to build a system that works for all of us, not just the top one percent.”

The festival concluded with a finale performance of the Swarthmore diversity peer advisors (DPAs). After singing a vitriolic anti-conservative song composed by DPA Deejay McPaces ’19. Nancy Lee ’17, the lead DPA, delivered a speech emphasizing the “problems of having a politically diverse community.” Lee stressed that conservatism will “damage the harmony of the Swarthmore community,” and thus “must be removed from our campus.” She further called the members of the Swarthmore Conservative Society “admissions mistakes” and requested them to “shut down the club and reflect on themselves for the beliefs they held.”

“All of the DPAs here at Swarthmore know which types of diversity is good diversity and which are not,” Lee said. “Political diversity is something that must never happen here at Swarthmore. As a DPA, I believe it is my duty to advise students to stand against political diversity. I applaud the three organizations for hosting the SwatRight festival, as it served as a platform to continue criticizing the uneducated people on the right side of the spectrum, and I hope to continue working with them, as well as the other DPA’s to continue to discourage political diversity on campus.”

Disclaimer: Names that appear in this article are not real people. The information presented in this article is purely meant for satirical purposes, and is completely false.

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