MIDTOWN— Carrying around lengthy garlands of patchouli, Donald Trump’s staff at Trump Tower in Manhattan anonymously revealed their experiences with the real estate tycoon’s luscious locks on Tuesday. Rosalinda*, a maitre d’ from Nicaragua, refused to comment on the garland around her neck, implying it was “simply part of the dress code” at Trump Tower. “Mr. Donald likes us to wear the patchouli so that he is surrounded by the aroma of the 60’s,” stammered Rosalinda, adjusting the mariachi costume she is forced to don at all times, “but when he turns around I can see the top of his scalp deteriorating. It’s like his hair is actually a covering for something. I don’t know.”
Rosalinda and her comrade, Sven*, the doorman and night-time security guard at Trump Tower, cited the source of the odor as “all of that money,” insinuating that Trump had asked him to slay a young unicorn and collect its blood. “He keeps the unicorn blood in a glass vial around his neck at all times,” choked out Sven, “that’s where his cyanide used to be.” Sven’s contract is terminable should he remove his uniform, which consists of an ushanka and mink coat. Neither Rosalind nor Sven commented when asked about their uniforms. Anna Pham*, the lead CPA on Trump’s auditing team, frowned and said “yeah, he makes me wear a Kimono to work. My parents are Vietnamese. I’m from Long Island.” When asked about the mysterious odor wafting from her boss’s hairpiece, Ms. Pham simply handed the Phoenix reporter a clothespin soaked in pinesol and said “Here. You’ll need this.”
Pat Sikorsky, a DNA-analyst and Law & Order: SVU expert from Midlands County provided her theory about Donald Trump’s decaying scalp to The Phoenix, citing her 28-years as a Trump fan as evidence. “It’s clear there isn’t a brain under that ambiguously-hewn head of hair,” she whispered, clutching tightly onto her crudely-forged crucifix, “what’s down there is something dark. Something we cannot conceive of. And it’s hungry.”
The Phoenix sent an undercover reporter posing as a North Korean real estate investor to meet with Trump. The presidential candidate and Gemini was surprisingly eager to discuss his hair during their clandestine business luncheon. The following is a wiretap transcript of the discussion between Donald Trump and the Phoenix’s undercover reporter, referred to as“Kim Jong-il-un.”
Reporter: Good afternoon, Mr. Trump. Thanks for meeting me at this… uh… is this a restaurant?
Trump: This is a gentleman’s club. Waiter?! (audible finger snapping) Bring me a raw hunk of unicorn meat. Not too gamey… Oh, hey, Kimmy. Thanks for coming.
Reporter: (nervous laughter) so, uh tell my about yourself, Donald.
Trump: Call me Mistah Trump.
Reporter: Alright, Mr. Trump —
Trump: Mistah. It’s pronounced Mistah. I’m from New Yowk. You want some of this potpourri? It’s impeccably seasoned.
Reporter: No thank you, I’m from North Korea. So you Americans sure have interesting hair. In my country we, uh, aren’t embarrassed of our male-pattern baldness.
Trump: Who said it’s a toupee? Lenny at the barbershop? (growls) How many times do I have to tell him — look, don’t get me wrong here. I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks. But I don’t care what they say, I do not wear a rug. My hair is one hundred percent mine. Where’d you say you were from again?
Reporter: Uh I’m from North Korea. I work for a growing real estate firm called, um, Year 104, and we’re looking for a particular breed of investors, if you know what I mean.
Trump: Oh, man, I’ll tell ya, I sure was made to invest in you Koreans. Your people made Hyundai, right? (grunting laughter) Love him or hate him, Trump is a man who is certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, yessiree Bob. You know, unless I’m getting my hair done.
Reporter: Before we discuss this deal in further detail, I’d love to know — how do you get it to stand up in such an… a la mode fashion?
Trump: You know, I’m glad you asked. My routine is the same everyday: I get up, take a shower and wash my hair with all-organic unicorn blood. Then I read the newspapers and watch the news on television, and slowly the hair dries as I stroke it gently. It takes about an hour. I don’t use the blow dryer because that would make it angrier. Once it’s dry I comb it. Then, I whisper to it and it instructs me about my tasks for the day. Once I have it the way I like it — even though nobody else likes it — I spray it and it’s good for the day. Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich, you see, and my hair understands that. It uses that to its advantage. It’s quite intelligent.
Reporter: That you are. Very rich, I mean. And what is that… exotic aroma coming from your hair? Shampoo?
Trump: That? I call it eu du Power. There is no good and evil, there is only power…and those too weak to seek it. My hair has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth. (Hollow voice) Let me speak to them! Face to face… (Trump, trembling) Master you are not strong enough! (Hollow voice, retching) I have strength enough for this…
Reporter: Mr. Trump? (clears throat) I mean, Mistah Trump, why are you turning around? Is that your scalp dissolving? For the love of god, this is a food service establishment!
Trump: (hollow voice) Hello, undercover reporter from The Phoenix. I’ve been expecting you.
Reporter: Oprah?! Is that you?? How did you know I was — and what about all of the racist things he—
Trump/Oprah: Yes. Who would suspect p-p-poor, st-stuttering D-Donald Trump? But I grow stronger. And every day, I am closer to the presidency.
Reporter: A black woman president? That sounds awesome… why didn’t you just run for yourself?
Trump/Oprah: The republicans would never have elected me unless I took the form of the least racist person there is. And I think most people that know him would tell you that. He makes a great apprentice… oh, by the way, you’re fired.
Reporter: Fired? But I don’t work for you… Oprah, wh-what are you doing? Why are you getting so close? Is that a Favourite Thing you’re approaching me wi —
(static)
The Phoenix’s undercover reporter was missing for two weeks after their covert business luncheon with Trump. They were discovered in M________, California, clutching a ten-foot snakeskin and claiming they were trapped in “The Promised Land.” We ask you to pray for their recovery as they complete treatment for Unspecified Hysteria at St. Mungo’s Hospital.
Presidential hopeful Donald Trump will be starting his own book club next month. The first novel on the list will be Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. The dress code strictly requires hats.
