FDA classifies internet as an addictive substance

SILVER SPRING — A spokesperson for the U.S. Food & Drug Administration released a statement on Monday warning Americans about a powerful modern drug with the potential to poison our minds and bodies: it’s called Internet. “We know it’s difficult to define

Yik Yak against social justice requirement

ATLANTA— Word of Swarthmore College’s proposed social justice academic requirement has reached the inboxes of the sixty employees at Yik Yak, a social media application popular amongst millennials, and the company has released a public statement denouncing the suggestion. “Our app is

National Football League sued for trademark infringement

National Football League sued for defamation and trademark infringement Santa Clara— The Northern Fowl Legion (NFL), a global non-profit organization invested in the conservation of rare birds and raptors, plans to sue the National Football League on grounds of defamation and trademark

Black student ends life with staph infection

THIS PIECE IS SATIRICAL CENTER CITY— Asher Johnson, 17, died last Monday from a Staphylococcus aureus (staph) infection after a BB gun pellet accidentally lodged into his eye socket in November. The young musical theatre star, a junior at a prestigious area

Suburban family dines out, server ends up in hysterics

Palo Alto, CA— After their 8-year-old son, Carter, was nominated Student of the Week at Tree Branch Wisdom elementary school, Jon and Linda Schaeffer decided to treat him and their 5-year-old daughter, Daisy, to a dinner out. “We thought he’d choose something

Donald trump’s alleged hair reeks of corpses

MIDTOWN— Carrying around lengthy garlands of patchouli, Donald Trump’s staff at Trump Tower in Manhattan anonymously revealed their experiences with the real estate tycoon’s luscious locks on Tuesday. Rosalinda*, a maitre d’ from Nicaragua, refused to comment on the garland around her