Lost, Found and Lost Again

After “temporarily misplacing” my AirPods for what’s conservatively the tenth time this semester, I paid a visit last week to the McCabe lost & found. While I unfortunately didn’t find my missing earphone pieces there, the lost & found was quite full of treasure – ok, mostly just trash. But between the erasers, long-overdue assignments, and half-empty Diet Coke cans, there was some important stuff. In the spirit of a PSA, I will be describing ten of the items I saw there for The Phoenix, our school’s paper of record, in the hope that owners of these items can recover their lost belongings and be reunited with their possessions.

1)    Left air pod — this left air pod was sitting alone in the lost & found, missing its counterpart. I could tell it wasn’t mine because it lacked the distinctive layer of earwax my ceruminous glands generously create to protect my hearing from damage. If you’re the owner of this AirPod, please help reunite it with its long-lost right air pod brethren.

2)    OneCard — I’ve been told it’s quite rude to post a picture of a found OneCard directly to Swat’s Facebook group, that this is a form of unnecessary public shaming which can be avoided by instead sending an email to the card’s  owner. However, this is not a Facebook group. This is The Phoenix, where we tell uncomfortable truths. So if your name is Jan ’21, brown hair, brown eyes, your OneCard’s on McCabe first. 

3)    Red Fjallraven Backpack — without this backpack, there’s no way for the world to know you’re a cool teen who’s in the know about what’s up and up. While misplacing your Fjallraven would normally be a tragic loss, I went to Macy’s last week and saw they were selling these as part of a “must-have for moms” collection. So you might wanna leave it there, honestly.

4)    Penn Pen – the Penn pen proclaims positively “Proud Penn Parent.” Parting paths with the Penn pen proves powerfully pathos-producing, perhaps painful. Please pick up the Penn Pen; present proprietors of the Penn pen probably possess pity on parting with property. Please. I ran out of p-words.   

5)    Half-finished econometrics problem set — I like to imagine a harrowed-down econ student made the decision that what mattered most in life was pursuing their true passion: a BA in theater and their dream of directing community productions of French expressionist plays. With this realization, they flung their problem set to the ground, abandoning their resigned fate of working for JP Morgan, and ran to the registrar to change their major. If it makes that person feel better about their choice, they also defined homoskedasticity incorrectly on the first problem.

6)    Trader Joe’s Caffeinated Chocolate — these things are really good and strangely energizing. It’s more than worth taking an Uber to Media and going to Trader Joe’s to buy these delicious snacks for $4.99 each. Fun fact: if you dissolve these in a Sci Cafe Latte, you get a drink I like to call: “this essay is due at midnight and I have not started it. Oh no. Why am I like this? Oh no.” A vital part of any student’s life.

7)    Hydroflask — while losing a hydroflask is certainly a nuisance, look on the bright side: you know that you just want to drink Diet Coke and never touch another fluid. This is finally giving you a reason to do that. Join the dark side. Do it. Give in to the dark power that is the Coca-Cola Corporation of Atlanta. Diet Coke and Ibuprofen can be the basis of your life. There are no lasting consequences to this decision.

8)    Bamboo utensils — in my four years at Swat, I’ve learned that the GAs are a powerful force who are the real puppet masters of this campus. If you lose these utensils, you better get them back quick. Just think of how disappointed the GAs will be in you. Think of their anger and how they’ll plot revenge against you while they’re doing compost duty. They’ll be watching and waiting for the moment you put something in the compost bin that belonged in recycling. And then they’ll strike.

9)    Brawny Toilet paper — given the fact that most bathrooms on this campus have toilet paper whose thickness is somewhere between tracing and rice paper, this is actually a really good idea. As a plus side, you can be reassured by the powerful lumberjack on the cover — his soothing presence lets you know that everything’ll soon be alright. He is here to help you with your cleaning needs with his strong musculature, gentle smile and stylish flannels. 

10) Poppers bottle — I don’t want to know why this is in McCabe. I really hope someone had to clean a VHS tape. I really don’t want to know why I found an identical bottle in the McCabe 2nd bathroom. I’ve learned facts about this school no mortal should have known. I’m scared, and I want to go home.

Hopefully, with this information, people can be reunited with their belongings, and McCabe can find more storage space for free snacks. As for my AirPods, while I didn’t find them, I am resigned to my fate: loudly playing music in public with no regard for others.

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