The Week in Headlines

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New Covid Variant and Life Form Simultaneously Evolve in Primordial Soup of Swat Prom 

Looking to Attract More Students, McCabe Library to Allow Smoking Indoors

Small Craft Warnings and Kitao Gallery Showcase Jonathan Franzen’s Nudes in Collaborative Exhibition 

RA Hosts Event Revealing Meaning of Life; No One Attends

“I’ll Go Into Philly This Weekend,” Says Student Who Will Never Do That 

Ten Excuses to Give Your Friend Who Keeps Asking You to Write an Article for the Phoenix 

Yikes! Instead of Yelling My Partner’s Name, I Repeated Amino Acids Memorized for Biochemistry During Sex

That’s Embarrassing: It Turns Out There’s Been a Third College in the Tri-Co This Whole Time and It’s Called Haverford

Students Complain Co-Op Prices Too Low

Hobbs Coffee Revealed to Be Sci Center Cafe Wearing a Cool Hat

Looking to Attract More Students, McCabe Library to Allow Smoking Indoors

CS Major Develops App to See Who Viewed Your Cygnet Profile

Uh Oh! Sharples Expansion Got A Little Too Big

Breaking: Student Sits in a Different Seat During Class, Throws Whole Class Ecosystem off Balance 

English Department Downsizes From Two Classrooms to One

I Took a Game Theory Course so I Could Use it on My Boyfriend to Prevent Him from Breaking Up with Me

marxists have taken over the writer’s room and now we can’t use capitals anymore

How to Become an Influencer on Moodle

Swarthmore Effective Altruism Releases List of Three Most Pressing Problems Facing Humanity: Bioweapons, Rogue Artificial Intelligence, and Friday Night Lasagna at Sharples

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