Most of you can guess that astrology is the pseudo-result of mixing careful mathematical processes, astronomical observations, and an insight into the spiritual chemistry of the human psyche. But seeing as since Friday the order of the solar system could very well revert to geocentrism in public schools, mathematics likely thrown into the dustbin of “alternative facts,” and the human body facing renewed assault from ignoramuses everywhere, it is only fitting that these horoscopes take a more radical and possibly uplifting reassessment of how the stars supposedly guide our future selves. So read on.
ARIES – If there is something you need to do, then do it. Courage is the rarest and most valuable of the virtues, and it only results from meeting recklessness and thoughtfulness halfway, and from teaching others to do the same. It necessitates seeing vulnerability in yourself and accepting it—not burying it.
TAURUS – You are a fighter, but fighters are not always of the violent variety. Instead, you may in times of stress want to lash out in anger, to smash the cheek of the cruel, but remember that is not always the path to change. Not always. Knowing the difference in times of distress makes the warrior—ignorance makes the self-righteous brute in all cases.
GEMINI – You feel split. You are the convergence of differing thoughts and aspirations, and you feel molecularly wrong because of the contradictions you must live with everyday. But in fact you are the most human of all because you realize that to do anything first requires self-confrontation, which you have encountered your whole life.
CANCER – Your actions do not always align with your thoughts. This causes consternation amongst your friends, and maybe even within yourself. But this is but a sign of a larger consciousness and an empathy that extends without viciousness to those you feel are misunderstood and marginalized. You are the quiet but no-less-resilient friend to have when the shouting has subsided and the talking begins.
LEO – Loyalty is your greatest attribute—not to idealism, not to country, or to party, but to the human sitting and standing beside you in that moment of solidarity. It doesn’t matter if they feel low, for you will raise them up with a sonorous voice and a granite heart. You will feel frustrated and maybe roar with harsh intent. But you will accept forgiveness for yourself and forgive others because you know it is a sign of strength.
VIRGO – You constantly apply yourself and believe that inactivity is uselessness. Mind and muscle are one and the same to you, and without the exercise of one the other is crippled. But remember that no oppression was overthrown by the weary and the tired. Take care of yourself and in time let genuine simple goodness flow through you and from you.
LIBRA – You are searching for the bridge that crosses the dark river. You seek to bring those together and not apart, because isolation is not solitude, and not all silence is healthy. You work in the knowledge that your rewards, material or otherwise, are the markers of a life well-lived.
SCORPIO – Nothing is ‘okay’ for you. Everything deserves full and unwarranted attention. But you also fear spreading yourself too thin and diluting your energies. Then you remember that understanding is the root of all knowledge and you apply yourself fresh to a task with newfound focus.
SAGITTARIUS – Monty Python has already given you a life motto that is imperishable and ubiquitous and endlessly applicable—“Always look on the bright side of life!” Nothing more need be said.
CAPRICORN – A less kind but more clinically-orientated term for you is ‘control freak.’ But that is inaccurate. You are seeking the means to shape your own destiny to a better end. But you also realize that true strength comes not only in accepting the absurdity of life but striving regardless of the nonsensicality that surrounds you.
AQUARIUS – You don’t give a damn for the opinions of others, whether good or bad. You are safe in that you are you and no one else can comprehend the scope of your internal self. You do not limit yourself and search for the opportunity to get the status quo into high gear.
PISCES – You are a little shy and believe that the world is much more interesting the more you add to it. Creativity is your forte and you love to spend solitude in contemplation and personal activity. Others may accuse your reticence as selfish and cowardly, but you are the listener who takes their worries and frustrations upon yourself and helps them purify them from the toxins of angst. You are the friend, the best version of homo sapien attainable in the fraction of time allotted to us.
(On the off chance that you don’t believe in any of this, which could be quite high, then there’s always alcohol to stiffen your upper lip for the fights to come—but drink in moderation for obvious reasons.)
The Stars’ Advice for Dealing with the Donald
