Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’ve been feeling like a small fish in a big pond for quite some time now, Aquarius, and that overpowering sense of ordinariness is enough to get anyone down. Luckily for you, a unique remedy is going to present itself this week. It’s simple. Most scientists believe the universe to be infinite in extent. If that’s true then at this very moment there are infinitely many yous interspersed throughout spacetime reading this horoscope right now. Now here’s where the trick comes in. This Wednesday, in the middle of your honors seminar, rise from your seat and advance to the front of the classroom. Once you’re there, allow your slow, methodical gaze to fall first on your professor and then on each of your classmates in turn. Take your time, relish the moment. And then, once you have captured the whole room in your silent glare and a hush of expectancy has fully descended, walk back to your seat and sit down. No other you will follow these instructions, Aquarius, but, if you do, you will have, in that singular moment, broken the cosmic symmetry. You will be the sole outlier on a universe-wide trend of uniformity. You will truly be the one.
You’re welcome.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re pretty anxious about Thursday, Pisces and that’s understandable. It’s a big day for you and you want to make sure everything goes just right. That said, it’s important not to worry too much. You’ve done your reading, you’ve practiced your lines, you’re going to do fine! Just keep your head up, take a deep breath and remember that if they don’t find the body by Wednesday, the court won’t have enough evidence to convict.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Dear Aries, there’s a certain special person in your life who’s been on your mind a lot recently. It started out pretty casual back when you were only helping them with Calc but now things are starting to get serious and you don’t know what to do. On the one hand you really want to take things further with them, but then you also don’t want to risk ruining this beautiful thing you have now. It’s time to make a move, Aries. You might not think your relationship is ready for Multi-variable, but you’ll never know for sure unless you try. If you don’t take the jump now, they’ll find another math tutor who’s ready to take the next step.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
It’s going to be a pretty average week for you Taurus. Yeah, really just a fairly standard, average week. Just like all the other weeks have been. For a while… Sorry mate (Just be glad you’re not a Gemini).
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
see Taurus
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
I know I said it last time Cancer, but this time the stars are certain. This is most definitely the week you find the love of your life. Now I understand you may be skeptical, but you’ve got to trust me on this. A horoscope is never wrong twice. And even if it is, then the third time the chances of it being wrong will be a whole two multiplicative powers lower! That’s math, my friend.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Dear Leo, it’s in your nature to be goal-driven and self-sufficient, but this week you might be pleasantly surprised to see how rewarding it can be to open yourself up to other people. Let your emotional side show! A great way to do this could be to try being a little more receptive towards romantic advances (from Cancers particularly).
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
An old flame from your past will reach out to you this week. They want their socks back.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re not getting your socks back.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week you will find
A new haiku to guide you
Through a trying day.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dear Sagittarius,
Yikes, umm, wow… the odds are not ever in your favor these next few days, my friend. I think you may have offended one of the star gods or something because these signs do not look good… You might want to consider just not getting out of bed this week, or at the very least cancel any cosmetic surgery you had planned.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn, life is like an unfinished paper; most people don’t take it seriously until it’s too late.
You know what you have to do.
Interestingly, life is also a bit like an unexplained metaphor.
