Weekly Horoscopes from Professor Trelawney

professor trelawney

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

*Disclaimer: These horoscopes are meant to entertain, and should not be used to replace professional financial, legal, or medical advice.



Mar 21-Apr 19

Be more like Kanye West as we head into the next lunar phase, Aries. Even if haters try to make you slip up and doubt yourself, remember not to be scared to always speak your truth. All positive vibes.



Apr 20-May 20

“Sometimes your best investments are the ones you don’t make.” —  Donald Trump

All your projects and activities seem especially burdensome this week, Taurus. Don’t be afraid to play hooky and only go to the ones that are strictly necessary. It might be a better investment of your time.



May 21-Jun 20

Have some fun this week by listening to your old favorite songs or re-watching some classic movies. It’s not like any of the new stuff is good anyway.



Jun 21-Jul 22

Change is a beautiful thing, Cancer. Try studying in a new spot on campus or refreshing your study playlist to help keep your mind fresh for midterms this week.



Jul 23-Aug 22

Whether or not you won the Oscar this year, you should be proud of your achievements. It’s important that you focus on your personal standards, and don’t work just to please the establishment.



Aug 23-Sep 22

You know that one acquaintance who you don’t know well but who seems interesting? Message them and hang out with them sometime, just in case one of your close friends bail on you this week.



Sep 23-Oct 22

Damn, Libra! Back at it again with the innovative ideas. Not only will you have tons of  interesting points to bring up in your seminar class, you will also find creative ways to enjoy free time (that don’t involve silly internet videos).



Oct 23-Nov 21

Revisiting the past can be worthwhile, just for old time’s sake. But it’s important to move forward and try new things. Pining for the past can leave you with something awkward and unnatural, like Fuller House.



Nov 22-Dec 21

Monday is Rare Disease Day, but you are suffering from a very common affliction, formally known as “Procrastinatitis.” Mars’s influence later this week will be the cure, returning your enthusiasm just in time for break to start.



Dec 22-Jan 19

This week is a time for starting new projects and setting new goals. As fun as it is to try new things, just remember to finish some of the old things, even if they aren’t as exciting. Like your midterm essays.



Jan 20-Feb 18

Spring break is almost upon us, Aquarius. As much as you would like to throw in the towel and go take a nap, Mars’ influence will help give you the energy and drive to power through your midterms.



Feb 19-Mar 20

Happy birthday, Pisces! Take lots of selfies and pictures of your friends this week, and spend some time looking back at memories from the past few months. Scrolling through pictures will help give you some inspiration on how to spend the rest of the semester.


Famous Pisces:


Osama bin Laden

Christopher Walken

Casey Anthony

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