The unfathomable fallacy of heterosexual interaction


From times immemorial, endeavors to elucidate and fully understand the murky realm of sexual practices have been stunted by the impenetrable mystery of one set of practices. Its alien character to most people makes it all the more pregnant with suppositions: perplexed pseudo-scholars have oft tried and failed to fully understand this behavior which has been practiced for as long as it has been pondered about. And so I ask, like many before me, the timeless question: how does one perform heterosexual intercourse?

It might help to break the act down into components. On one side, we have the virile, cisgender man, a beast of unfathomable power and might. He has a sculpted body of geometric proportions whose lines can be traced with the tip of a ruler to their natural vanishing point, the erogenous zone. The regal shaft reins here, a shining beacon whose sole purpose in this particular mating ritual is to illuminate the depths of the feminine nethers.

In spite of areas of contention within the erudite community, it is generally accepted that the aforementioned female anatomy is some slippery business indeed. Whether likened to a virgin and unexplored forest, ready to be penetrated by an intrepid and brisk paced adventurer, or a shadowy ocean trench that holds immeasurable life and wonder within for whoever is capable and brave enough to descend into its dark realms, a woman’s cavern is impossible to fully comprehend.

And so the stage is set, the two actors have been identified, but we have yet to see how this will play out. As much as we may understand the individual participants in this coital process, or at least as much as we may attempt to do so, there is little logical reasoning that dictates how the intercourse would occur.

To begin with, it is unfathomable that such disparate and different entities as those described prior may ever coalesce successfully, that such polar organs may fuse.  The same way the reader might struggle to imagine the wedding of a mountain and a sea, or a swallow and a bush, to suggest that the male’s rising glory and the female’s sinking shadows pair together is ludicrous and preposterous. They are too fundamentally different to ever join in more than a forceful and uncomfortable jarring of opposite hemispheres.

It is all the more baffling to think that this phenomenon is so-called natural: Adam was born from God’s will, and Eve from Adam’s rib, and nobody ever needed some sort of flabbergasting interaction between the two beings in order for them to conceive. It seems like such a contrived an occurrence, so astounding a behavior, that I find myself unable to fully accept it without some further form of explanation.

To think that a desire to repeatedly move one’s hips in a synchronized fashion is ingrained also baffles me. The movements are complex and awkward, the positions required for an allegedly successful endeavor contrived and exhausting. For all that I know, there are elements to the ritual that I fail to even fathom, as it lies outside of the realm of my understanding.

As much as it doesn’t make sense, people do partake in the activity, and from what I hear remarkably often. There’s a growing number of people whom, evidence shows, are performing heterosexual intercourse, and my own personal reticence does not seem to align itself with the apparent willingness of many individuals to give it a try. Maybe my perception is limited in some obscure way, or there is some flagrant defining feature that separates me from those who perform the act, but if so, it eludes me completely.

I am perfectly convinced that I am well versed enough in the topic to justify my qualms, and that there is nobody in an inherently better position to answer questions on this strange performance of sexual desire.

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