Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
Hello, my lovelies! I hope you’ve had a good weekend. Today, we’re going to get creative with a list of fun things that you probably have laying around that make fantastic BDSM gear.
- Say you want to tie up your partner, but you’re lacking in rope. Neckties and scarves are so plain and ordinary. Luckily, you have another option. Head on down to the Head Nut and pick up some licorice bootlaces. They’re easy to knot and, if you’re having a particularly long bondage session, there’s a snack waiting for you.
- Are you bemoaning your tragic lack of impact toys? It can get boring only using your hand when there are paddles and whips and cats and floggers in the world. But if you don’t have any, don’t worry! Just grab some napkins from Sharples and braid them together. They’re so easily accessible! And if you get hungry and wind up eating your licorice bootlaces, you’ll have a napkin for when you’re done snacking.
- Electricity play can be fun, but things like violet wands are expensive. If you’re not ready to take a chunk out of your bank account just yet, try a 9-volt battery! They pack a punch. And sure, they don’t actually shock you (even if you lick both ends at once) but it’s worth a shot anyway, isn’t it?
- If you’re in need of a gag, don’t fear! While you could use a large assortment of common items, my personal favorite is a handful of dry macaroni noodles. Because you have to think really hard about not choking on them, you’ll be even more present in the sexual experience around you.
- If you want to mess around with candle wax but don’t have any candles, try some trusty Elmer’s glue. Like candle wax, it hardens after sitting on the skin for quite some time. It drips the way wax does and it will have quite an impact on your partner. It even has the lovely benefit of not being able to burn anyone. And if you get bored, it comes in handy for use with those macaroni noodles! An art project is a great way to wind down a post kinky-sex-session.
- To avoid heteronotmativity, here’s something specially for the sub boys: Cock rings, I’ve heard, can be great fun but definitely require a trip to a store. If you’re in need of a cock ring and can’t get a real one, take a trip down to your local Dunkin Donuts (one of the few places we Swatties can actually call local!) A donut makes a great substitute. And you get a yummy treat at the end – who doesn’t love a donut?
- Nipple clamps are wonderful things. They can be used for pain or pleasure and are cheap and easy to find. However, sometimes you just don’t have any on hand. For those times, clown noses can be immensely helpful. They give just enough of a grip to stay on a very erect nipple, and their rosy color compliments most skin tones. And if you grab the squeaky kind, they become even more interactive!
So there you have it, darlings. Seven substitutes for a spicy sex life that you should never actually try, because all of these are really horrible ideas. On a scale of one to horrible, these are all an 11. Well. Maybe the licorice bootlaces are worth a try. One of you should try it and then report back to me and let me know. 🙂 Go forth, be creative, and have a fantastic April Fools!