So, how does everyone like the food here?
I’ve heard so many mixed reviews from a lot of people, so I’m curious: how would you rate the food options available on campus on a scale from 1 to 5 (1 being “it’s completely inedible; some of the most toxic, tasteless, horrifying substances I’ve ever had the displeasure of putting into my mouth,” and 5 being “mmm … this is some real gourmet [REDACTED] right here … Michelin star level for sure.”)?
To be honest, I actually quite like the food—
(Hey, I can see you visibly cringing as you read this, but whose campus journal article is this again? Mine? Yeah, that’s right. Put your pitchforks down.)
—so this is my review:
1) Sharples ★★★☆☆
Sharples is generally a really good place to go (well, besides being one of the only places to go) for meals. I think the breakfast is really filling, if not nothing out of the ordinary. Eggs, bagels, bacon, hash browns, oatmeal, etc. etc. — you name it, it’s there! I honestly think lunch and dinner are also pretty solid, despite a lot of my friends saying otherwise. I generally really like what’s on the main menus — a variety of pasta, meat, vegetables, and a lot of other foods that I really can’t be bothered to remember — and if all else fails, pizza from downstairs or the burger section from upstairs always does the trick. I’d give Sharples a solid 3/5 for being convenient, filling, and overall having food that tastes good (Remember, if you find yourself getting worked up over a positive review, ask yourself — who’s writing this article? That’s right — ME).
Honestly, all jokes aside, I really appreciate the staff at the dining hall for working so hard to make enough food for all 1600 of us to eat every day, and all the staff who have to clean up after us when we’re done. I think it would all do us better if we appreciated them more.
2) Sci Cafe ★★★★★
Sci Cafe is honestly such a lifesaver. Picture this: it’s 10 pm on a Thursday night, you’re in Cornell, poring over your essay or problem set or any work you have to do, and all of a sudden you feel a pang of hunger. What do you do? The dining center is closed, Crumb is so far away, and you really can’t go on without some sustenance in your body. But that’s when you realize—you can use a meal swipe at Sci Cafe to get food and a drink to continue studying!
“But that’s such a specific example!” you say, in a whiny voice. “What if I’m not at Cornell, or I’m already at Crumb, or I’m studying in my dorm? What if I’m not studying at all?!”
Remember — are you the author? No? Very well then.
Anyways, I personally like the food offered at Sci, too. I especially like the wonton soup and the fried rice options they have. I also like the sushi, but only when they just put it out; it gets kinda hard after an hour or two. I’d overall give Sci Cafe a 5/5 for saving my life countless times and also having food that’s a bit better than Sharples.
3) Crumb Cafe ★★★★☆
I feel like Crumb is the next logical place to review, seeing as how I’d already mentioned it earlier. My friend says it’s the best food place in all of Swarthmore — but I am not my friend. My heart still lies with Sci. I really don’t know why I included this information. I’m already nearing the word limit and I’m not even halfway through.
I really like the avo-toast at Crumb. They must’ve put in something other than just avocados, tomatoes, and sauce on sourdough, because I can’t get enough of it. I also really love the milkshakes—especially the Oreo one. I think it just encapsulates the essence of milkshake … or whatever they say for those sophisticated food reviews. The chai latte is decent, the flatbread is pretty good, and the smoothies, well … I mean, they did teach me when I was a child that if I had nothing good to say about something, then I simply shouldn’t say it at all!
I obviously haven’t tried everything, but from what I’ve had, I’ll give Crumb a 4/5 for convenience (and for the fact that anything $7 or less will only be counted as a meal swipe) and for having really good avo-toast.
4) Kohlberg Cafe ★★★★☆
Kohlberg Cafe! Honestly, I don’t have much to say other than the fact that it’s perfect if you need a coffee/snack between classes. I personally prefer Sci’s hot meals over Kohlberg’s and I haven’t bought a coffee from there yet, but I really appreciate the croissants/snacks and the sandwiches they have for lunch. From what I’ve gotten at Kohlberg, I’ll give it a 4/5 for getting me through my 11:20-12:35 class and for having pretty decent food for when I don’t feel like going to Sharples for lunch.
5) Essie’s Corner ★★★★☆
Essie’s Corner last! (Well, not last like that). I also haven’t been there enough to accurately review them, so … you know what? One of my friends said their sandwiches were really good, so I’ll just take his word for it.
What? My ratings were inflated? I didn’t review the last two fairly? The ending felt rushed? You think I’m being too sarcastic in my articles?
Well, what have we learned throughout this piece? Just as I am not my Crumb-loving friend, you, my dear reader, are not me. You could probably write a much better review than I have, with much better humor — and if you can, please be my guest. But as of right now, this is the best I can do. Now, goodnight — good morning — good afternoon — good evening — whenever you’re reading this! May we meet again next time.
Overall Ratings:
Sharples ★★★☆☆
Sci Café ★★★★★
Crumb Café ★★★★☆
Kohlberg Café ★★★★☆
Essie’s Corner ★★★★☆
P.S: What’s your rating? (feel free to comment below)
Sharples ☆☆☆☆☆
Sci Café ☆☆☆☆☆
Crumb Café ☆☆☆☆☆
Kohlberg Café ☆☆☆☆☆
