As an intellectually curious young man, my life was completed when I stepped onto Swarthmore College’s campus. That was a day my parents told me I would remember forever. I can still picture it: they showed me McCabe basement and Cornell second, and said, “Welcome to your new home.” I laughed and cried and thanked them. I was excited to spend the next four years buried in quiet-floor carrels. That is, until I walked into my first Swarthmore economics class. (Editor’s note: the author has never taken an economics class before.)
Okay, so maaaybe my first economics class wasn’t that bad, and there are more important things to do than study – right? WRONG! Extensive field research has shown that the best thing to do is win misery poker and play devil’s advocate in Intro to Poli-Sci. In my first economics class, I was introduced to some questionable characters who disagreed with this notion. I remember it well: they told me to “touch [effing] grass” and “go play die.”
From that day forward, I vowed to never step outside an academic building and to study twice as hard. As a senior who has gained admittance to Blue Mountain State, where I will be pursuing a Ph.D in Underwater Basketweaving, I would like to use my position of intellectual authority to describe to you all why I think the men’s lacrosse team is the least defensible team on campus.
First, I’d like to address the misconception that they are qualified to be students here. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing the fieldhouse, and I can confidently say that Swarthmore only cares about athletics. Anyone who knows anything can see that Swarthmore has an unfair admiration for its “student” athletes, such that we should question their academic prowess. From the private catered breakfasts to the bidets in the locker room stalls to the spa and sauna rooms, Swarthmore is in competition with any SEC school for our quality of facilities. Not to mention the Learning Enrichment Center located on Matchbox’s fourth floor. It is easy to get As here when you have a paid tutor to do your homework.
Now, I want to talk about their team antics which are so commonly complained about. Whether it be the jokes in class, the “party fouls,” or the “communal bathroom blunders,” I am here to say that it must stop. The way I see it, even though Willets has had serial smoke-alarm issues, Palmer’s couches migrated to dorm rooms, other dorms have bathroom stalls frequently shut down, and beer cans are often strewn about Olde Club; the only debacles worth complaining about are orchestrated by the lacrosse team. In fact, every time I see anyone commit a party foul, I pretend they are on lacrosse; it really adds to my hate. At the end of the day, whenever I see anyone commit heinous acts (like in those classic college movies my parents never let me watch), I get angry, upset, and pissed off that there aren’t more people working diligently on Cornell second.
Lastly, I want to address the overwhelming “frat vibes” they evoke. It is absolutely unacceptable for them to “crack jokes,” rent an off-campus house, host parties, and, sure … sorry, perhaps I’ve become sidetracked. What remains true, however, is the broad athletic hegemony plaguing higher education, and despite how esoteric our establishment may be, we are not immune from institutional conformity to such extracurriculars. I mean, perhaps it might even behoove us NARPS to not allow these relatively trivial experiences to be so disastrous to our proud little-Ivy identity. (Editor’s note: the author runs track, the jury is still out on whether he is a NARP or not.) Lest we wish to become Swat Quixotes, it may be worth attending a party or joining the fun.
After all, or as they might put it, “on a real note,” college is a place for many things, including having fun and partying. Too much time in the library is bad for the soul. You don’t need to join the team, but don’t knock it until you try it. If you don’t like it, that’s fine! Find fun elsewhere; it’s yours to lose. Most importantly, don’t complain about someone else’s lawn, water your own. We all get the same degree and the same four years. Make the most of it.
