Gender Neutral Bathroom Revealed to be Steamy Brothel

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

When freshman Cassie Sunstein arrived on campus this August, she was looking forward to a year full of good, clean fun – and, it goes without saying, a good, clean restroom area. However, due to the college’s policy of allowing gender neutral bathrooms on campus, Sunstein was thrown into a world she never before could have dreamed of – the kind of world where wholesome college students ran a rampant sex operation out of their coed restroom.

“We object to the word ‘brothel,’” said Subject A, who preferred to remain anonymous because “my mom reads The Daily Gazette, but only when she’s drunk and in the mood to comment.” Subject A pointed out that society has drawn brothels to be places where males can buy sex from females, but the brothel on Subject A’s floor aims to provide a space where people of any gender orientation and expression can come and get dirty – on the sinks, in the showers, or even on one of the recently installed velvet chaise lounges. “If you insist on labeling it, I’d go with ‘sisthel,’ just to balance things out,” Subject A said. “Or how about Romproom, instead of Restroom? Get it?”

“I like to drop by after I’ve finished my work for the day,” said Subject B, a Chemistry and Physics double major and frequent visitor to the tiled sex cave. “I mean, I have to pee at some point, so why not do it on a willing hall-mate?”

Sunstein’s main objection to the Bathroom Bordello is that she hasn’t showered in weeks – whenever she dared to tip-toe towards the showers, clutching her yellow, monogrammed towel and bar of scented soap, she was forced to step over writhing bodies and squint against the pulsing red lights illuminating the room. Whenever Sunstein dared to attempt to relieve her bladder, she would have to ask her hall-mates, in groups of twos and threes, to vacate one of the glass cubicles that have replaced traditional toilet stalls.

“I’m totally fine with sex,” Sunstein said. “I mean, yeah, whatever. Like, do whatever you want, right? Just not when I’m trying to take my first shit in weeks.”

Clearly, when students of different gender orientations are allowed to brush their teeth at the same row of sinks, that intimacy can balloon into something much more sinister.

“Just calm the fuck down,” Subject A said when I suggested that the Den of Iniquity she so ardently supported may be making some students uncomfortable. “I thought Swatties were supposed to be open-minded. And it’s not like we’re exclusive. We even accept meal swipes.”

Flipping back a limp piece of dirt-caked hair, Sunstein sighed. “This is exactly why I didn’t go to Oberlin,” she said.