Tips for First Years: Getting It In At College

Ah, the beginning of my final year at Swat, the only college where students have more homework than sex. Regardless of how much (or how little) sex happens on this campus, I’m happy to be a sexually deactivated student here. And since I am a senior, I’m going to take some time away from pulling wank to pull rank.

I’m Vianca, a weathered Swattie trying my damnedest to graduate by May 2013. Throughout the course of this semester, I will be writing my column, “Missing Parts,” which I started in an attempt to provide students with the meaty specifics of sex and sexual intimacy that your 80-year-old Sex Ed teacher probably forgot about 20 years ago. In addition to writing my bi-weekly piece, I’m also inviting students to submit questions, concerns and/or inquires for advice on sex, sexuality, sexual health or relationships. As I work my ass off to get out, I’ll help you work your way into some ass.

Now that I have arrived at my senior year, I get so nostalgic looking back at my freshman year. It was a time when everything existed in a haze of awkwardness and raging, rioting, rampant hormones. As freshmen, it was the first time many of us were in complete control over our own sex lives. No obnoxious parents barging into seemingly locked doors, no restrictions as to availability of space (there are couches literally everywhere) and a stock of equally horny (and awkward) counterparts. As lovely as I remember that being (note the sarcasm), I also remember how fragile my sexual self was. That jump from no sexual freedom at all to, potentially, an all-you-can-fuck fiesta can be overwhelming. The way in which one copes with that experience dictates the development of your college sexual self. For that reason, I am going to use this week’s column as an opportunity to reach out to the first-years. These are five things I wish I understood better when I was a freshman:

Number one: Don’t feel self-conscious about how much sexual experience you have. No matter how composed everyone may seem when it comes to sex, on the inside, everyone is secretly freaking out about it. No one here has any gold medals in munchin’ on panty piranha or swallowing boxer beef.   Let’s face it, we’re young. The percentage of our lives during which we have been sexually active, no matter who you are, is very small. The jump from high school to college is not very significant and most people still carry those lingering feelings of insecurity surrounding sex. That’s not something you get over in a couple of years. We are all technically newbies to sex, whether you be a freshman or a super-senior. Remember that if you decide to enter the realm of sexual activity on campus. If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself opposite that kid who is just as pretentious about pussy as he/she/ze is about philosophy, flee as quickly as you can. If you hate sitting next to that kid in class, you’ll definitely hate sitting on their face later in the night even more.

Number two: It’s okay to fly solo. I know it may seem like all your friends are in, like, oh-so-serious-but-not-really sexual relationships already and this may pressure you to feel like you need to hop on the cockwagon. Don’t have sex because you feel obliged to be a “crazy” college student. Have sex when you’ve found someone you want to have sex with who wants to have sex with you. There is no expiration date on your sex organs. Your cock, twat and/or ass will not go sour if you don’t use it before graduation. Until you find someone, masturbate. Like crazy. The first step to becoming a good lover is understanding how pleasure works for you and your body. Choking the chicken gets you familiar with the barn and, once you understand how to manage your property, it makes it that much easier to train your successor.

If you feel as though you’re not interested in sex right now, that’s okay too. It is not uncommon to be in non-sexual relationships or to be content with not being in a relationship at all on this campus. I know my four classes fuck me every night; I don’t need a second lover just now.

Number three: No matter what you look like, what kind of person you are, or what kind of sex you’re into, there is someone out there that’s into it. This is apparent by the fact that Mitt Romney has a wife.  Human sexuality and pattern of sexual attraction is very complex. Everyone in the world has a different opinion as to what kind of person sends their skyrocket into flight or dings their doorbell. Seriously, google ________ looking for _________ and I guarantee you’ll find loads of personal ads geared at getting peeps like you in bed. The image of beauty that the mainstream media is constantly trying to measure you up against is fascist, corrupt, and prejudice. As Swatties, we’re against all that by nature. Don’t allow yourself to believe you need to be a certain way to find a relationship. That’s conformist bullshit.

Number four: Swarthmore is not the only place to find some ass, thank Aphrodite. If you ever feel discouraged by the dating scene on this painfully small campus, you can find painfully big pleasure elsewhere. We have Philadelphia at our disposal. Take advantage of that. In the real world, our social awkwardness frequently passes as endearing and our intelligence can be a real turn-on. Put yourself out there and see what you can find.

Number five: This can never be stressed enough: always, always, always have safe sex. Each dorm has free condoms available usually within a 20 foot radius of your room and Worth Health Center has a full stock of everything else one might need. Use condoms for penetrative and oral sex involving penises, sterilize all penetrations tools, including fingers, before penetration, use dental dams for all swan-diving endeavors, and always be prepared for sex. Remember, Jackson Pollock pussy/penis is not a good time by any standards.

Sex is lovely and as long as you approach it with a positive attitude, you’re going to have a positive experience. There is no doin’ right or doin’ it wrong; there is just doin’ it. And doin’ it is something we all can get into.

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