Investigation reveals Chopp’s sordid past

A multi-year investigation by a team of Phoenix reporters has unearthed new details about President Rebecca Chopp’s past.After reviewing countless documents and interviewing some of Chopp’s closest confidants, The Phoenix has determined that, in fact, Chopp was once a lobbyist on what criminals commonly refer to as “Wall Street.”

Chopp served the heinous interests of companies from British Petroleum to Haliburton. As a Vice Executive Assistant Secretary of Communications, Chopp is believed to have contributed to the demise of at least three species of endangered ocean creatures.

Prior to her inauguration as President, our reporters have discovered that Chopp purged her resume, using a find and replace function to change locations in Manhattan, NY to the innocuous-sounding Chester, PA. Her plan also included extreme changes in her wardrobe, as she retired her characteristic monocle and top hat.

Chopp did not, however, retire her distaste for Sharples. A Freedom of Information Act request retrieved a telling letter to her close friend, Mitt Romney. The letter detailed what she called “that horrible Vegetarian option” and complained, “At this point, even the pasta bar makes me shudder.”

Reactions from across the Swarthmore community ranged from shock
to disgust.

“As a social scientist, I feel obligated to point out the weakness that Chopp’s presence indicates,” International Politics Professor Dominic Tierney said. “For her to have infiltrated our community so easily points to serious weaknesses in our security apparatus.”

Members of the student body also expressed outrage at the news.

“I finally understand how betrayed Robespierre and Danton felt way back when,” said a member of the student council who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, Louis XVII, Rebecca Chopp — what’s the difference?”

Chopp initially refused requests for comment on this story, locking herself into the group study room in McCabe and refusing to emerge without a delivery from Dunkin’ Donuts.

After security officers tried and failed to break down the door, they turned to controversial tactics to achieve results. At approximately 9:52 p.m. Sunday evening, Director of Public Safety Michael Hill used a microphone to alert Chopp that the college would begin divesting from Exxon Mobil and other oil companies if she did not emerge from McCabe.

This novel tactic had the desired effect. By 9:54 p.m., Chopp had materialized, with a tear staining her cheek and a smear of Sabra hummus on her chin.

At press time, the President had been taken into custody. The Student Council is expected to rule on her case later this afternoon. The suggested sentence for Chopp’s crime includes mandatory Teach for America service and a five to 10 page paper on Foucault.

Meanwhile, a recent Daily Gazette report that Dean Liz Braun was twice convicted of crimes against humanity in neighboring New Jersey appeared to go unnoticed.

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