Schwantz Chooses Middleton’s Dress

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

Psychology prof Bailey Schwantz has always been something of a celebrity on Swarthmore’s campus.

Remember when he talked about Gap jeans and his “paradox of choice” theory on the Colbert Report?

Now Schwantz has done it again. He’s left his footprint on the wedding of the century.

Schwantz has secretly been advising future Princess Kate Middleton, fianceé of Prince William of Wales, on her wedding dress choice.

The Queen hired Schwantz to protect her from the anxiety that stems from choosing out of a plethora of wedding dresses.

According to Schwantz, his job consisted of randomly cutting out the majority of wedding dress options for Kate and thereby, reducing anxiety about making the wrong choice.

“This has been a tremendous opportunity for me, helping Kate shoulder the burden of choice,” said Schwantz.

The administration is happy about the free publicity for the College.

“People will no longer confuse us with a non-prestigious, all-women’s college anymore! Swarthmore will finally get the full-fledged reputation it deserves,” said Dean of Students Brown.

Unfortunately, since his job is now completed, Schwantz has been keeping mum about his choice.

He did lend us a clue, however. He says, “It’s something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.”

The Phoenix

Discover more from The Phoenix

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading