Squirrel Cull Comes Just When Wildlife Was Starting to Feel Safe Again

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

The planned squirrel cull will not only reduce the squirrels’ population but also, as a statement from Public Safety stated, “hopefully put them in their place once and for all.”

“I’m just surprised we didn’t think of this before,” said Public Safety Officer Tod Barker, one of the people responsible for the new plan.

“The deer cull was such an effective way to deal with the deer problems, it’s only logical that it would work with squirrels too.”

Barker added that while the deer cull had to deal with the bureaucratic issues of licenses and seasonal hunting, the squirrel cull would be much easier to implement.

“Turns out there’s not even a season for squirrel hunting,” said Barker. “You can literally go out and shoot the little bastards whenever you want.”

Barker said that students should be advised to wear bright clothes between April 1 and April 8, and to avoid spending time “in or around trees.”

Squirrels aren’t necessarily “overpopulated” at Swarthmore. However, their audacity and refusal to recognize their role as subordinate creatures has been a source of much consternation at the college.

The squirrels’ antics, which include stealing food straight from students on Parrish Beach, have been called “irritating,” “ridiculous,” and “homicidal rage-inducing.”