Serial Monogamist: Seven Dates You’ve Never Been On

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

1. Ruining Films For Others. No one is going to be shocked if you yell “He’s been dead the whole time!” in The Sixth Sense or “Luke, he’s your father!” in The Empire Strikes Back. But you will get some people if you shout “He’s got a twin!” in The Prestige, shriek “They’re THE SAME PERSON!” in Fight Club, or scream “She’s a transvestite!” in The Crying Game. Oh. Did I spoil that for you? Guess I’m getting a head start.

2. Playing Doctor. There are plenty of instructions on the internet for self-examinations, and it’s a great way to save yourselves some money while getting to know each other’s bodies and histories better. Most medical procedures, from lancing boils to minor abdominal surgery, can be done at home with the right medical supplies and good instruction.

3. Paces. Intimate lighting, aphrodisiacs (party mix), sexy music, getting so drunkety-drunk-drunk you can’t say anything awkward, and it doesn’t even matter if you step on each other’s feet.

4. Magic, the Gathering. A truly thrilling card game that combines the rush of LARPing with the tediousness of Risk; you can challenge each other to duels all night long. Can be made more “adult” by changing it into a drinking game. As a tip, “drink whenever there is a spell” will kill you IRL dead.

5. Bingo. There are few things more erotic than getting O69.

6. Recreating Horror Movies. Recreating romantic comedy scenarios is boring and done to death. Kissing in the rain while pretending to look for a cat? Emerging out of a swimming pool while unclasping the top of your red bikini? How about clawing out from the bottom of the bathtub. Or taking turns dousing each other in pig blood. Or dressing up in old lady clothing and sneaking up on your date in the shower with a knife. Who’s cool NOW?

7. Hide the Baby. Unlike eggs, babies move and have little sense of direction, so finding them is a challenge. Difficulty depends highly on the baby’s mood and level of consciousness. Risk level depends highly on age and whether or not the baby is yours.

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