Disclaimer: The content of this article is satire and not intended to be taken as fact.
Despite a recent lack of precipitation in the Greater Philadelphia area, the Swarthmore Grounds Department rejects the idea that brown is the new green. Campus-goers have not been spared from torrential downpour, with a new fleet of sprinklers and hoses decorating just about every campus walkway. In multiple anonymous complaints to The Phoenix, Swatties report being doused by sprinklers on the way to class, marriage pact dates, and disciplinary hearings. News reporters from The Phoenix are currently on the trail of the ubiquitous sprinklers, but can’t seem to nail down the reason for their sudden appearance.
In an interview with Swarthmore College Construction Project Manager Guy Stone, The Phoenix discovered compelling evidence that administrators are turning McGill Walk into a slip ’n slide.
“Honestly, slip ’n slide, no slip ’n slide — it doesn’t matter to me. This is the best job security I’ve ever had. The college won’t stop bringing me back for new projects. Last year it was the dining hall. Then it was Martin Hall. Now, it’s the water park project or whatever,” Stone shared.
Students often gripe about the massive construction eyesores and a recent Phoenix article detailed a dangerous campus-wide plague: the resting bitch face (RBF). In order to distract from long-term construction and boost campus morale, administration is introducing a quick and fun way down the hill: the McGill Slip ’N Slide. Swatties have already been spotted slipping and falling down the McGill steps during the Dining Center rush.
Some claim that the slip ’n slide is having adverse effects on campus morale. After falling down McGill Walk, Aqua Park ’26 gave an interview while still on the ground.
“I checked the weather this morning and it was nothing but clear, blue skies, so I decided to wear my suede shoes. Now they’re ruined,” she said, looking down at the most basic pair of sneakers.
Another reporter spoke to economics majors about their thoughts on the new sprinklers. Chad Smith ’27 applauded the Swarthmore Grounds Department for helping students optimize their busy schedules.
“My schedule is so packed, sometimes I don’t have time to shower. The sprinklers help me stay fresh.” When prompted to describe his busy schedule, Smith replied “I have a busy week. Sharples dinner Thursday. Poker with my buddies Friday. And an ice bath at 8:45.”
An anonymous admissions office employee, Jane Doe, mentioned the Philadelphia-region drought in her interview, saying that nearby campuses are suffering aesthetically because of the lack of rainfall. She claimed that Swarthmore is attempting to rig next year’s U.S. News “Most Beautiful College Campuses” list through excessive sprinkler usage. Doe chose to remain anonymous for fear of losing her job.
“It’s really all in the placement of the sprinklers. They’re just lying around the sidewalks, spraying people and plants,” she said, quickly doing the Swat Swivel. “If you ask me, the Pennsylvania drought situation is fake. Swarthmore’s causing it by using all this hose water.”
College administrators declined to comment on Doe’s drought theory, but mentioned that they would be honored to make the U.S. News list for “Most Lush Campus.”
Although The Phoenix’s investigations into the sprinkler upsurge were inconclusive, we recommend Swatties exercise extreme caution while navigating Swarthmore’s slippery slopes.
