Olympics Column: Nathan Chen (again) and the Closing Ceremony

2022 Winter Olympics opening ceremony. Photo courtesy of Getty Images.

Bess: Readers, all good things must come to an end.

Grace: It’s true. 

Bess: And that is why Grace and I are sad to announce that we will watch the Olympics for the final time. 

Grace: It’s the ending of a trilogy. Right?

Bess: Yes, we were originally going to watch women’s figure skating or pairs. But we found women’s figure skating too upsetting to watch.

Grace: And they decided not to put pairs skating on Peacock, which is the only streaming service available to us.

Bess: But unlike Andrew Garfield’s Amazing Spider Man trilogy.

Grace: Which was cut short unjustly. 

Bess: We want to make sure our viewers receive their proper ending and get closure and are not left wondering like we were after Amazing Spider-Man Two.

Grace: Yeah.

Bess: So, in honor of Grace, we will be re-watching Nathan Chen and the Olympic closing ceremony as our final column. We know that it is really old news, but as our sports editors so nicely told us, no one reads our column for sports commentary. 

Grace: This is true.

Bess: I think it’s rude because we offer great commentary.

Grace: We do! I believe that.

Bess: We also need to end because we’re just not getting the financial support we need from The Phoenix. We have gotten $0, and we know again, as the Editorial board has so nicely pointed out, that Grace’s parents have a Peacock account we could use, but we can’t mooch off them. It wouldn’t feel right.

Grace: We are grown women. 

Bess: Exactly. We should not have to mooch, we should have The Phoenix pay for things.

Grace: And mooch off of them.

Bess: But it’s not mooching because we’re providing labor. We are literally covering the Olympics for them.

Nathan Chen-Men’s Long Program: 1st Place

Grace: Okay, forging ahead.

Bess: We know this is old news and we’ve already seen it, but we’re doing this for Grace. Okay, what do we think of his outfit? 

Grace: I’m into it. It’s a galaxy. 

Bess: I’m not, it’s just bad. 

Bess: They just compared Nathan Chen to Tom Brady. 

Grace: And then Tiger Woods. 

Bess: Which is unfair to Nathan Chen.

Grace: This Elton John song choice is really good.

Bess: Well, I’m glad he’s dancing to Elton John because when I say like Elton John I get made fun of, but if Nathan likes it, it’s clearly cool.

Grace: This is beautiful. He’s skating really well. Very cleanly. His quads have been very good.

Bess: That looked pretty good I think. I don’t even know anymore.

Grace: It’s “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” which is so good. Also, he just went on his knee and that looked really cool.

Bess: Did you see Rocketman

Grace: Yeah I did, what a great movie.

Bess: It’s really nice when the creator is allowed to be involved in their own biopic, you know? 

Grace: Yeah, I do. You know, I’m a Queen Stan, but I do think that Rocket Man was a better biopic than Bohemian Rhapsody. Just because it felt more right that because Elton John himself was working on it he got the final say.

Bess: Yes, which he deserved. Yeah, he’s a king like Nathan Chen. 

Grace: He’s being very sassy in this dance.

Bess: He looks really happy. Like he knows he’s killing it. 

Grace: He’s so cute. I love him.

Bess: He hasn’t responded to your very generous Bamboo offer yet?

Grace: I offered to give him the world and so far no response. I know he’s busy or whatever. Here we go.

Bess: Also shout out to my sister who said our column was surprisingly not bad.

Grace: We love her.

Bess: The last quad, he’s doing it. Oh, he did it beautifully.

Grace: I want to sing along to this. This is so beautiful. 

Bess: Please don’t.

Grace: Oh my God. Oh my.

Bess: Update Nathan is boogying to “Bennie and the Jets.”

Grace: Oh, that was beautiful. Folks, what I just saw was the best thing I’ve seen in my life.

Bess: He clearly won gold.

Grace: That was incredible as we knew, but stunningly gorgeous. Never done before, never the same, wear it, share it, throw up on it. That was beautiful.

Bess: What?

Grace: Okay, that was a Lady Gaga quote, but I think I got it wrong.

Bess: You definitely did.

Closing Ceremony

Bess: Now, we’re going to see the closing ceremony. Team U.S.A. has really cute jackets. 

Grace: Do they ever count which country won the most medals?

Bess: Yes. They always do that for every Olympics. 

Grace: Okay, cool. Good to know, folks. I don’t know how the Olympics work, but I learned something tonight. Thank you for being here. 

Grace: Who has the most medals overall?

Bess: I don’t know, I think Norway or Sweden? It’s a country where it snows a lot.

Bess: They’re walking through with their medals.

Grace: Oh, look, there’s Nathan with his camera, wearing his gold medal.

Bess: He’s documenting it all.

Grace: As he should, imagine having a gold medal. That’s insane. 

Bess: Would you sell it? 

Grace: No. Maybe.

Grace: Oh, yeah, it was Norway who had the most medals. That makes sense. 

Grace: U.S.A. was fourth though.

Bess: There’s like a cool parade of athletes happening.

Grace: We’re gonna watch this beautiful little dance show to close the whole thing.

Grace: We open on a snowflake, a giant snowflake.

Bess: This is very Elsa from Frozen. About twenty women are having their Elsa moment on the world stage right now.

Grace: Thoughts on the outfits.

Bess: I don’t feel like I’ve seen them enough to know, but I like the big skirt. You know I love a dramatic skirt moment. Your thoughts?

Grace: I like that they are wearing scarves. It’s practical. It’s cold out there.

Bess: But I wonder, are the lights enough to warm them, you know? Because I imagine that floors are pretty hot with all those projections.

Grace: Women of the Olympics who performed in the closing ceremony, if you’re reading this let us know, were your feet hot?

Bess: How cold were you on a scale of one to ten? 

Grace: Now there are people holding giant glow sticks. They look like lightning bugs. 

Bess: There’re some very cool floor graphics going on.

Grace: What if the giant snowflake just fell? 

Bess: I don’t think it’s real, I think it’s just a projection.


Bess: Grace has been stunned into silence, her eyes just went so wide.

Grace: I really thought that was a real snow giant snowflake that had projections on it. I’m shocked to my core, folks. 

Bess: Once again, we have to go through ads. 

Grace: Oh, they’re doing the thing that I asked about.

Bess: Yes, they are honoring the country with the most medals, which is Norway.

Bess: A bunch of men are now walking onto the stage. 

Grace: Update, those men are in fact the mayors of Beijing and Milan. 

Bess: Why are they there?

Bess: Oh, no, no, no, I’m so dumb. I’m so dumb. It’s the mayor of Beijing. And then the mayor of where the next Olympic Games will be held, and then the President of the Olympic Committee.

Bess: It’s the Olympic anthem. You guys, they’ve asked us to stand.

Grace: But I will not be, but Nathan is up on his feet.

Bess: It’s the Olympic anthem, and they’re having elementary school kids sing it. 

Grace: They are so cute. These children are so small. How do I get picked for this? Why am I not a child singing at the Olympics? 

Bess: Well, you’re not a child. 

Grace: But looking back, why was I never recruited?

Bess: The fire moose is going on in the background, ruining this moment for us. 

Grace: The children are now swaying this way. They are so cute.

Bess: The Olympic anthem is really long.

Bess: I would say see us again at the next Olympics, but we will be graduating.

Grace: We will in fact be gone.

Bess: So we love you all. Thank you to our adoring fans. I’m getting a little choked up. I’m emotional. 

Grace: It’s been an emotional journey. Thank you for reading. Your support has meant the world to us. And if you want to Venmo us once again, just do it.

Bess: I’m trying to think of something good to end on.

Grace: The Olympics only happen every two years. Wait, I’m just stating a fact. I don’t have a creative ending. 

Bess: Well, signing off one last time. This is Bess.

Grace: And this is Grace. Thank you for reading. We love you.

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