The Dastardly Delta Conspiracy

Two people whose faces are covered with the "Delta" symbol

While taking a shower a few weeks ago, I glanced up at the shower head and noticed a curious detail: the word “Delta” inscribed on the rim. “Hmm,” I thought. “That’s an odd and unfortunate coincidence, what with the Delta variant going around.” Then I froze. If you are a dedicated conspiracy theorist like me, you know that there ARE no coincidences. Something deep, dark, and nefarious was going on — and I was determined to find out what.

So, dear reader, after many sleepless nights spent combing the catacombs of Swarthmore, as well as numerous painstaking interviews with sources who only agreed to speak with me on so-deep-the-Mariana-Trench-looks-like-a-ditch background, I have uncovered a momentous global conspiracy surrounding the Delta variant of COVID-19. Is it some sort of biological warfare, you ask? Is it an alien invasion? No, it is far stranger. It is a plot by the Delta Society, a conspiracy so elusive and pervasive that the Illuminati resemble an after-school club in comparison. The Delta Society’s one and only goal is to gradually subsume all other letters and alphabets to the dominance of the Greek letter Delta; the creation of the Delta Variant is a crucial piece in their plan to rivet the news headlines and, indeed, the world’s attention is focused on the ominous Delta. And Swarthmore College is a part of this conspiracy.

But, you may ask, how can Swarthmore, a beacon of intellectual enlightenment, be participating in something so irrational and benighted? This is precisely what they want you to think. In fact, colleges are the perfect places for the Delta Society to enact its plots because colleges can so easily indoctrinate students with Delta-forward thinking. You know that slogan Swarthmore has that supposedly touts its rigor — “Anywhere else it would’ve been an A?” What they don’t tell you is that here, it isn’t an A, but it also isn’t a B or even a C. Nope, that slogan is code for “Here it’s all about Delta.” Just think — how often does your math or physics professor mention “delta x” or “delta y” or “delta [insert some quantity you don’t care about but your textbook clearly does]”? Basically every day, I’m sure. The classics department is even worse; in Greek classes, almost every line you read contains several “deltas,” sneakily hidden within the other more innocent constituents of the alphabet. And whenever the college lets students out for breaks, it ensures that a significant proportion of them travel to and from campus on Delta Airlines. 

Also, have you ever wondered why the college doesn’t just repurpose the old Delta Upsilon building as a space for students? It’s because the structure hides crucial secrets linking the college to the Society. And have you ever noticed how we have a million deans of who knows what? More opportunities to use the letter Delta when spelling out official titles and referring to administrative staff. Oh, this conspiracy runs deep and long, my readers. At least as long as Delaware County — or DelCo — or Del(ta)Co — has been around. Yes, this conspiracy really has lasted since the foundation of the county, infiltrating its way into our classes and minds and hearts and even, apparently, our showerheads (which presumably dispense water containing toxic minerals that increase one’s susceptibility to Delta propaganda). 

So what can we do about this impossibly convoluted, devilish plot? Obviously, we need to turn to a solution that does not involve the letter Delta and preferably avoids contamination by the Greek alphabet altogether. Fortunately, a cure has been developed by those who are part of the Delta Resistance! This cure is an injection called a “vaccine,” which not only contains no “deltas” or even “d’s” but also originates from Latin (and as we know, the Romans overcame the Greeks). You might be wondering why a “vaccine” specifically is the most effective considering the variety of other entities that meet these criteria; the answer is that vaccines (unlike other Latin candidates like “porcupine” and “epistle”) can be injected directly into the bloodstream, which is the quickest way of dispelling the Delta psychosomatic toxins that have accumulated there over time. Also, “vaccine” comes from the Latin for “cow,” whereas the Delta Society wants us all to be mindless sheep, so the vaccine perfectly counteracts one barnyard animal with another that is bigger and stronger. Experts have found that two injections are best to reinforce the mind against the influences of the Delta Society.

Now, I don’t want to overblow this conspiracy or the influence of the Delta Society. COVID-19 itself was probably not created by the Delta Society; they just took advantage of the opportunity. My preliminary research suggests that the original virus was actually a promotional attempt by acclaimed Netflix show “The Crown” to both draw attention by association (“corona” means “crown,” after all) and to enhance viewership by trapping everyone in their homes with nothing else to do but binge-watch “The Crown.” But that’s a story for another day. For now, assert your own independence of thought and do your part in loosening the shadowy grip of the Delta Society by getting the vaccine.

Even more importantly, you must remain vigilant. Keep an eye out for signs of the Delta Society and learn to recognize suspicious, seemingly inconsequential patterns like an expert conspiracy theorist. If you would like to learn more information about the Delta Society’s devious plot, please visit this link. And for those few of you who still don’t believe me, after all of the painstaking and airtight evidence I presented, because what I say contradicts what you’ve seen in the news or on other sources … all I can say is, don’t believe everything you read online. 

Note: COVID-19 is a serious, devastating pandemic and this article is not intended to belittle or make light of the tragedies people have experienced. But you really should get the vaccine. 

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