Totally Legitimate, Real Tips for Spring Break

Spring Break, (n): A week designed for students to either get drunk in Fort Lauderdale or return home so that family members can judgmentally ask whether they got an actual, paid internship for the summer.
To my fellow Swatties who seek to escape that bleak binary, I would like to share some very real, absolutely sincere and serious advice on delightful activities to enjoy during spring break. I decline all responsibility for any injuries, physical or emotional, that may be caused if you choose to act on my advice. Have a fun break!

  1. Roll around in a field of flowers to fight off those pollen allergies.

Alternatively, find one of these.
Nothing is worse than spending a cold winter sneezing and snivelling, then having it start all over again come springtime and pollen allergies. What better way to get rid of them than by direct exposure? Dramatically roll down a hill of daisies. The hours of sneezing and watery eyes will most certainly be worth it when you find you’ve been permanently cured of your pollen allergies. If my highly scientific theory is proven wrong, at least you will have gotten a fun afternoon out of it.
2. Host a social justice egg hunt to guilt-trip everyone else
For any well-intentioned, socially conscious WASPs out there, here is a chance to celebrate Easter with a clear conscience. If you have the budget, buy some expensive, fair-trade, vegan chocolate. Sprinkle it all around the Easter hunting grounds, with small notes detailing just how much trouble it was to obtain them, just to remind everyone of your moral superiority. Alternatively, trick your friend into believing that chocolate awaits them, but just leave pamphlets and fact sheets about horrifying working conditions in cocoa farms. That’ll show your mom how serious you are about ending unethical dietary habits!
2. Save college students from the specter of spring break binge drinking
This is for those of you who would like to unleash your Prohibition-era Carrie Nation tendencies. But maybe try a more subtle approach than wielding a hatchet at hapless bar owners.

Find a relatively large group of drunken college students. Hopefully you live in a town that is a favorite of spring break roamers. Have someone stage an accident, or parade around an especially cute dog. When they are distracted, snatch the beer cans and tequila bottles. Pour out whatever is inside (or save it for a drunken night with your old high school friends), and replace it with your liquid of choice. Run away and savor the knowledge that, thanks to you, there will be that many less DUIs in the world.
4. Start raising chickens or rabbits on your roommate’s side of the room
Who doesn’t love their roommate? This spring break, do something to solidify your friendship and reaffirm your bond. Spring cleaning is boring; try something original, like converting their side of the room into a rabbit hutch or chicken coop. Whatever annoyance they may feel at sharing their pillow with a large, sharp-beaked hen will be outweighed by the promise of fresh-laid eggs every morning. And who cares about rabbit droppings, when you can cuddle the fluffy little creature to your heart’s content? If, somehow, your roommate is still not enthused, remind them that some people have emotional support peacocks. By comparison, you’re not asking for much.
5. Organize a fun, childhood-themed karaoke
Everyone loves karaoke. But you know what can make it extra fun? Childhood songs. Maybe you and your friends can all engage in “The Itsy-Bitsy Spider,” elaborate gestures included. Or maybe you just want to move everyone with your heartrending interpretation of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” (and pray no smartass Astronomy major ruins your childhood by explaining what, exactly, a star is). For any bilinguals or international students, even better! Share the lullabies you grew up with and then sit around and realize how tragic they are (“London Bridge” – Crumbling infrastructure, “Ring Around the Rosie” – Black plague.) My own childhood favorite involves a man hooking up with his friend’s neighbor, while said friend has wet dreams about the moon. It’s sure to be a crowd pleaser!
6. Race random animals and eat them

I recently discovered, after a series of very weird Google searches, that crab racing is a thing. There’s even a National Crab Racing Association, which caters to corporate and casual events and provides “high energy, competitive entertainment.” Once the race is over, the crabs are eaten, with the winner as the prize piece. If you have no live crabs on hand, go crazy! Experiment with all sorts of animals. Maybe squirrels can be outfitted with small harnesses and made to race each other, although roast squirrel doesn’t sound especially nutritious. The bonus is, you can use this as an opportunity to get rid of any childhood pets you may secretly despise.

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