Handcuffing All The Mothertruckers Who Have Done You Wrong (A Guide to Surviving Cuffing Season)

4 mins read

It’s cuffing season!

Or at least for some of us it is. For others, myself included, it is simply the chilly, dreadful season of winter because we are at the institution of Swarthmore College.

To those of us who are inclined to view Cuffing Season in a more pessimistic manner, we see the couples that were meant to be formed, as at this point in the year everyone has already met all 5 people on campus and discerned which 4.99999 they are incompatible with, can’t stand, wish to avoid at all costs, et cetera, et cetera. It’s easy to feel like all that’s left is a hodgepodge of embittered, cranky 18-22 year olds, even if that’s far from the truth.

Despite the fact that Cuffing Season is more of a hypothetical precept that is very different in concept versus reality, that doesn’t change the fact that some Swatties are still affected by the feelings that come along with wanting someone to hold during these set few frozen months, when even the big chair isn’t there to hold them.

Regardless, whether or not we wish to be stuck in this Pennsylvanian suburban hellhole in the height of Cuffing Season, we’re here, so we might as well make the most of it. Trying to find someone you’re compatible with is out the door, trying to find someone who is above a 7 who you can have a regretful hookup with is out the door, so where does that leave us?

Fucking with those who have fucked with us. (A.K.A. Handcuffing All the Mothertruckers Who Have Done You Wrong).

That’s right. It’s Cuffing Season. You aren’t about to use those handcuffs to cuff anyone in a romantic relationship, as previously established, so they might as well not go to waste. The solution is simple: rather than focusing your energy on the impossible (read: finding someone of substance, humor, and looks), focus on bettering yourself, growing, evolving, and thriving.

Now, now, I understand that there seems to be a disconnect between focusing on yourself and focusing on those who have wronged you, but there’s a correlation here, trust me. By writing off this campus and realizing once and for all that Swat and everyone in Swat are not worth your time, your energy, and your stress, you’re metaphorically handcuffing the entire school and showing it who’s boss.

If first semester taught me anything, it’s to not sweat the small stuff. Nor the small people who can take up so much mental space. Maybe the classes, because if not they definitely will kick your butt (something people here would never realistically have the guts to do). With that in mind, deciding to simply take stride and brush off the bad encounters, the messy it’s-not-you-it’s-mes, the awkward hookups, and show Swat who is boss is quite possibly the only way we can survive Cuffing Season.

So, this Cuffing Season remember that you have autonomy over how you can use the handcuffs you were granted.

Dylan Clairmont

Dylan Clairmont '21 edits for the Campus Journal. He is a DPA, a board member of SQU, and a board member of Swat Dems. He is interested in capturing the current climate of campus and including that in The Phoenix.

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