Brittany, Miley and me

Britney’s new song didn’t manage to chart within the top 10 in its first week, but that’s okay—it’s difficult to sing while operating an electric razor. We don’t want that shave too close, so let’s count our blessings that Britney didn’t scratch herself.

1. I’ll stifle my screams of rage about Britney’s Billboard snub with the clothes Miley Cyrus neglected to wear in the “Wrecking Ball” video. I’m sure someone thought that Miley Cyrus wearing even less clothing than her VMA getup seemed like a good idea. I am not one of those people.

2. Katy Perry’s “Roar” dropped off the top spot. Finally. I’m really losing respect for the idea of a “number one hit,” given the recent progression of number ones. After ten weeks of patriarchal dominance by “Blurred Lines,” we get this crappy, faux-inspirational ditty, followed up by a song about Liam Hemsworth. Meanwhile, Cher, a sexagenarian singer who literally can’t stop, releases a song that barely scratches the top hundred. #done

3. Where the hell does Lorde get off being sixteen years old and scoring a top five hit? I was trying to not veer into pedestrians during my driving test at her age. See what universal healthcare can do for society? Thanks, Lorde, for re-affirming every gay boy’s notion that life in Great Britain really is better.

4. Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” continues a glorious descent into a hopeful oblivion. When I imagine hell, I think of a particularly hot room in which one is forced to Gangnam Style with Lady Gaga while she wears her (rotting) meat dress. The punishment for a misstep? “Blurred Lines” and “Sexy and I Know It” on an endless, repeating loop. For eternity.

5. I was initially happy for Avicii to score another hit. He, and his lawyers, have put together some quality collaborations in the past (sorry that copyright laws exist, Leona Lewis). However, the sheer cheesiness of “Wake Me Up” leaves me hoping for Avicii’s next collab to resemble “Levels” in being mostly instrumental. As Mariah Carey demonstrated with her attempted acting career: stick to what has worked for you in the past … or risk looking (or in this case, sounding) like an asshole.

As the rest of this week’s top ten sees little change from last week, I’d like to take a moment to recommend a few tracks from lower down the charts that won’t prompt an ear infection from sheer lack of quality.

First, “Wings,” from Little Mix. Their sound borders on a 2010’s version of Destiny’s Child, but this track oozes with a sass only Simon Cowell could create. Well, some peon that’s deathly afraid of Simon Cowell, anyway.

“Slow Down” from Selena Gomez prompted me to post a lamenting Facebook status earlier this week. Since when has our little Wizard from Waverly Place cemented herself as a legitimate pop princess? She even manages to sound like Dev as she incorporates The Cataracts’ obnoxious attribution lyric. I found myself searching for remnants of my dignity as I shrieked in my car when this song came on the radio.

“True Love” welcomes Lily (Allen) Rose Cooper back to music. Well, sort of. P!nk tends to scream over most of her vocals on this track, but I’m happy that P!nk is collaborating with someone other than Nate Ruess. That unfortunate collaboration just gives me a reason to change the radio station.

Finally, as if it wasn’t obvious enough, Britney’s “Work Bitch” deserves miles of praise. Should she fire her songwriter for attempting to rhyme “live in a big mansion” with “party in France”? Probably. However, she needs to focus on one legal battle at a time, as Madonna will be coming after her any day now for stealing her fake British accent. There’s only so much tackiness allowed at a time in pop.

I hope they fight it out at an awards ceremony with a photo montage of their awkward kiss from a few years ago playing in the background.

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