As I sit on my windowsill listening to the animated chatter from Parrish Beach echo throughout campus, I realize that this Swattie behavior signifies the beginning of the end. For most of you, it’s just the end of the semester. You’ll be back in the fall to endure another round of Swat roulette — the only version of roulette played with a fully loaded chamber. But for me, it’s THE end. The end of long, unnecessary readings that don’t get discussed in class. The end of multiple consecutive all-nighters. The end of soul-crushing exams that force you to re-evaluate your worth as a person. And, of course, the end of my column.
I’ve really enjoyed writing this column — mostly because I’ve really enjoyed talking to other Swatties about sex. The way Swatties can articulate those specifics is truly sexy — I’d take a big vocabulary over a big dick any day. I’ve never had the opportunity to speak with so many people about their so many different sexual proclivities. And, let me just say, Swatties like it freaky.
Being able to share with you all has been one of the most meaningful experiences in the development of my sexual self. It’s given me a lot of confidence and comfort in my own sexuality. So, in my parting column, I want to recapture that personal element of one-on-one conversation by sharing with you my random tidbits of personal sex “wisdom”:
Don’t overthink it: I know that we’re all trained critical thinkers. But, unless Geertz’s essays on cocks (instead of cockfighting) are published posthumously, keep that analytical bullshit in your soc/anth class. Never forget that sex is natural and that it will come naturally to you. Practice, of course, helps, but once you’re engaged in intimacy, you just need to trust your body to react. That’s not to say that absentminded sex is tops. In fact, it’s bottoms — bad bottoms, not to be confused with the luscious Greek passive crowd. You should always be aware of your partner’s needs/their reception of the sex and be willing to change what you’re doing. Just don’t let thoughts overwhelm the experience.
No one has it figured out: People our age, especially Swatties, are very good at preserving a façade of total confidence. In reality, everyone is a bit insecure about how they are in bed. Never feel intimidated by anyone sexually — at this age, we’re all basically amateurs anyways. On that note…
Don’t be afraid to ask questions: Asking questions in bed is not a demonstration of your sexual naiveté. It is a demonstration of personal preservation and concern for your partner’s needs. One uncomfortable question in bed is much less awkward than a lifetime of furtive public groin scratching or post-bad-sex pillow talk.
Never judge a book by its cover: Lots of people have a tendency to assume an individual will have certain sexual habits, interests, or morals based on very superficial knowledge of that person. Hobbies, religious backgrounds, personalities, physical appearance, senses of style, etc. give absolutely no indication of what someone is like in bed. You know that painfully awkward, seemingly asexual kid that smells like soup in your math class? The only thing he likes more than polynomial functions is polyamorous sex and he’s the biggest freak in bed. Trust me; he’s told me all about it.
Non-penetrative sex is really amazing: “Sex” is not synonymous with “penetration” or “oral sex,” though many people believe this. The problem is that, in American culture, any reference to ‘sex’ is usually a (heteronormative) reference to penetration or oral sex. In this way, intercourse takes the title of ‘sex’ and subordinates all forms of outercourse. However, there are tons of ways to be sexually satisfied without the exchange of bodily fluids. Rubbing fuzzies, manual manipulation, mutual fantasizing, and good-ol’ fashioned-groping are perfectly satisfying ways to get your jollies.
Nothing is wrong with you: No matter what you’re into sexually, it’s not dirty or wrong or bad. I can’t help but roll my eyes whenever someone talks about what is ‘normal’. So, it’s ‘normal’ for people to eroticize lacy panties, but not leather panties? It’s ‘normal’ for people to be turned on by a pair of nice legs, but not a nice pair of feet? It’s ‘normal’ to play sexy doctor, but not sexy hobbit? Guh, the distinction just seems so arbitrary … sometimes. Everyone eroticizes something. Just because your fantasy or fetish may be different than what most people are into doesn’t mean it’s bad. It just means that your erotic wiring is a bit different. And different can be very sexy.
Use protection: Use it. Five minutes of pleasure is not worth an infestation of microscopic creepy-crawlers. Just imagine them swarming inside of you. Gross, right? Find that condom.
Treat your lovers with respect: Whether you’re interested in spending a night with someone or a lifetime, you should respect them. Sex is a very emotional and intimate experience. Responsible lovers have the maturity to understand this and treat their partners with civility and grace, regardless of the experience. As I’ve said a million times (and will probably say a million more times), if you know what someone’s junk tastes like, you know them too well to disrespect them.
Expect things: The most important advice I can give you is that you should expect things from your lover — respect, satisfying sex, emotional support, or whatever else you feel like you need in a relationship. There is something interesting about you. I don’t know what that is, but I’m sure there are someones (not someone but someones) in the world who will fucking love that thing about you. They’ll think it’s so great that they’ll give you all the things you need to keep you and that special thing about you in their life. So, don’t entertain the losers who don’t treat you the way you’d like to be treated.
Anyways, guys, it’s been real. I hope that your life will be full of sexclamations! I’m already looking forward to that variety of post-Swat excitement.