Suggestions for Singles

One thing I love about being back on campus, besides the various forms of free contraceptives, is getting some critiques of my column that extend beyond obscure bible passages condemning it. I’ve gotten some good reviews, and I’ve gotten some bad ones. As a true self-deprecatory, masochistic Swattie, I disregarded all the good feedback on my work and focused on what I’ve been doing wrong. Namely, I talked to a lovely and not-at-all sober Swattie this weekend that noted the lack of work focused on being single and looking for something … more. Or less, depending on whom you’re sleeping with. I apologize for my neglect and, just to make it up to you, this week’s column is devoted to the singles.

The problem with “dating” at Swat is that there is not really a dating scene. Must people sleeping together are either attached at the hip or hooking up casually with someone(s). So where can one find ass between a Swat marriage and swinging from person to person? Or even find some lovin’ in the existing social systems? You have to make a social context for it. Yes, the scary word is “social” here. But, creating a social vibe that attracts what you’re looking for is simple:

Going somewhere: Don’t spend absolutely every minute of your life in your room and then complain that you’re not getting any. Unless you’re Pygmalion, your Physics textbook is not going to coming to life and give you a blow-job. If you want to meet someone, you need to make some time to go out and socialize. At Swat, there are the fours S’s — studies, social life, sleep, and sex. If you want to fit yourself into someone’s hole, you need to find a way to fit all those things into your schedule. Go to club meetings, parties (if that’s your scene), lectures, really any interesting event or join a PE class, volunteer, visit Philly, etc. You should try to do pretty much anything else that allows you to stimulate something other than your brain. The chances of meeting someone and becoming feel-miliar with someone (besides yourself) are increased with population density.

Going places alone: Tacking onto my last point — if you always travel in a posse, you’ll get no pussy. As hard as it is for someone to make the first move, the task of first penetrating a phalanx of friends makes this all the harder. Swatties have this tendency of making things awkward and the more Swatties you have around you, the higher the incidence of awkwardness. If you want someone to approach you, it’s much less intimidating for them to do so if you’re alone. I know that, at our tender age, eating a meal alone is the equivalent of admitting that you have some serious social deficiency. Uhm, look around — we all do. So, don’t sweat it. You’re not going to self-destruct if you walk into Sharples alone. In fact, you might find that going somewhere as a single will result in leaving a double.

Put yourself out there: It takes a lot of bravery to ask someone out, I know. But, logistically, someone asking someone out is how dates happen. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and be that someone who asks. When you’re out alone, don’t sit around thinking about how sad you are to be alone, avoiding eye contact with everyone, and just hoping that someone will talk to you. Someone might, yes. But, why wait? Instead of being so self-conscious while you’re out, try looking around the room. See who else seems like they’re intentionally avoiding eye contact with everyone and strike up a conversation with that person. Seriously, try it. The worse that can happen is that they won’t be interested and you’ll be in the sexless same position you were in before. On that note, don’t take rejection personally. I know, easier said than done. But, I beg you, realize that when someone goes out cruising for a date, they have specific tastes and preferences that they developed long before they met you. Their preferences have nothing to do with you. They are a reflection of that person’s experiences and the influences in their life.

If you know what you’re looking for, look in the right places: If you are the type of person who has a preference for a particular type of person or relationship, go to events where you can find people with similar preference. This is not to say that you can’t find someone anywhere. I’m just saying that if you’re not into partying and don’t like dating people who party, you probably shouldn’t go looking for your life partner at a Paces party. If you’re looking for a one-night stand, it might not be the best idea to go cruising in Sharples on a Sunday afternoon. If you’re looking for a person who cares about the environment, civil rights and philanthropy, you’re not going to go to a Republican rally. Try to get involved in things that you’re interested in. Hopefully, you will find someone who shares your interests and also wants to share your bed … or your double-headed dildo.

Keep positive: When you fall into depressing, bitter, angry singlehood, you might as well be wearing penis/vagina repellent. I know many people who love to read Sylvia Plath, but no one who wants to fuck her. You don’t have to be falsely perky and smiley to get a date — always be yourself. But, hating and being untrustworthy of every potential date you meet because of your past experiences will not get your very far … into their pants. Save the bitter bitchfest for your bffls or your roomie.

Stay in practice: Just because you’re not having sex, doesn’t mean that you should not be connected with your sexual self. As I’ve said before, masturbation is the perfect way for you to understand the orientation of your sexual self. A good lover can articulate their needs to other lovers and ask about their lover’s needs in turn. Don’t let yourself grow rusty.

If you’re lookin’ for some love, I hope this helps. However, if you don’t find someone that’s into you with all the ‘basics’ — respect, a good personality, sanity, an interest in mutual pleasure — don’t settle. Don’t allow yourself to fall into that detrimental line of thinking in which you believe that being with someone who is an emotionally abusive ass is better than being alone. It’s not. Whether you’re single or doubled, it’s a matter of circumstance. You should pursue what makes you happy, not what you think makes you happy.

With that, I wish that Aphrodite blesses all my single-readers-seeking with some good fortune. With any luck, you’ll be savoring a nice hair-pie by the end of this week.

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