Sharples TV Finally Hooked Up, to Cornell Bathroom Feed

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

Last month, the Gazette reported that Public Safety uncovered a camouflaged camera in the Cornell Library bathroom.

Last night, Dining Services informed the Gazette that two students confessed to installing the camera in the bathroom. They were caught trying connect a feed of the footage to the previously unused plasma screen TV in Sharples, according to newly revealed details in the case.

A combination of greed, academic curiosity, and hormonal cycles ensured the initiation of this heinous yet brilliant crime by these young men, women and cameras.

One night in Sharples, after an evening of flirting, eating and drinking, the students hatched the most nefarious plan ever conceived on the grounds of Swarthmore.

After months of staring incredulously at the enormous 45-inch plasma screen in the corner of the dining hall, the culprits decided to connect a feed of people excreting in Cornell bathroom to the Sharples TV.

This high-tech set-up gave them a glimpse of the frequency of bathroom stops, assuming most people went to Sharples for dinner that night.
“We wanted students to deconstruct the digestive process. This can only happen by confronting the processes of excretion and mastication simultaneously,” said one of the culprits, who wished to remain anonymous.

The students were hoping to showcase their technological and statistical prowess.

They realized too late that they had invaded the personal space of many students.

The administration’s response has been measured and responsible.

“We’re investing in a number of preventative measures,” said Dean Michael Robinson.

“We’re less interested in catching the culprits than in making sure this kind of academic endeavor never occurs again. I have to say that this is a case of academic curiosity gone utterly wrong.”