Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
Hi, my name is Peter Ballen, and I’m running to be a campus life representative. I am a procrastinator at heart and believe in getting my work done with the least effort possible (past/future professors: ignore that sentence). My personal hero is a tie between George Washington and the alumni who made Sharples serve ice cream at every meal. I read xkcd at 12:01 every MWF, and the only reason my room doesn’t have a ball pit is because my current financial status is best described as “destitute” (but I’m accepting donations). I am currently single and looking for a girl who doesn’t look at me funny when I make obscure anime references (seriously, if you want to be like Ahiru and Fakir, minus the dancing, find me).
Why did I choose to apply for this position? Because, I got tired of the constant emails describing how wonderful working on StuCo was, and it’s not like I’m doing anything important Sunday nights as it is (everybody knows 8:00 is way too early to get started on work due Monday).
Why am I qualified to be a campus life rep? Well, I’ve admittedly got pretty much zero experience in politics (but I guess that didn’t stop the tea party). But I live on campus and I have a life. What more could you want in a campus life representative? I’ve also been described as “fun to be around”, “most likely to become a white collar criminal”, and “sexiest man alive” (alright, maybe not the last one).
What would I do if I’m elected? I promise to listen to “The Voice of the People”â„¢ and bring your concerns to StuCo. I promise that I will not lower taxes on the middle class, fix health care, close Guantanamo, and bring change we can believe in (for some reason, Bush is much less quotable than Obama). Finally, I promise to treat the position of student life representative with the dignity and respect it truly deserves (see, if I was cynical, that last sentence could be read two very different ways, but because I’m dedicated to representing you, I’ll let you choose your preferred interpretation).