Swarthmore Introduces Money Major

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

Today is a good day for all the money enthusiasts out there: Swarthmore has just created a major in Money.

“Our students kept telling us that what they wanted us to respect their passion for money, and we’ve responded to that need,” President Smith said in an all-campus email. “This makes Swarthmore one of a select group of innovative colleges that have fully embraced the future. Money is the future.”

She added that the cutting-edge program will improve Swarthmore’s accessibility and equity by making it a welcoming space for people of greed. Smith also hopes it will attract more donations from alums who work in the money industry.

Many students who had previously had to prepare for money careers through majoring in other departments breathed a sigh of relief.

“Professors keep trying to force us into all this academic, historical, whatever stuff,” prospective money major Francine Dollar ‘19 said. “And I’m like, can you please speak to my lived experience of greed and my love of money? This new major is a small step in the right direction.”

To support the money major, Swarthmore has already created a Department of Money. The department will move into the Women’s Resource Center, which is now known as “Money House.” The House’s close proximity to “the department’s core constituencies” is particularly convenient, according to Money Department chair Scrooge McFuck ‘01. (McFuck previously co-founded the for-profit Profit University in San Francisco.)

“Swarthmore always talks about its Quaker Values, but what about Money Values? We want to start a campus-wide conversation about the value and importance of money,” McFuck said in a Slack message, adding that the major will not include any of “the usual Commie stuff.”

Not everyone is happy about the new department. Professors in the Economics and Computer Science Departments expressed concern that the Money major would put a dent in their enrollment.

“Students have stopped coming to my classes,” Economics Professor Farc Gooberberg said. “I’m considering early retirement, but not before taking a class in money studies!


Dean Nathan Miller

This is not the real Dean Nathan Miller. If you got confused, you have been PUNKED. April fool's.!!!!1!!

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