“Parrish Wanker” Caught by Pubsafe, Actually Just Studying

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

On Friday evening, the infamous “Parrish Wanker” was apparently caught in the act—furiously masturbating in Parrish 4th’s male bathroom—by Public Safety Officer Michael Hull. Hull was responding to complaints about “a weird and violent slapping noise” coming from inside the bathroom stall.

“As soon as the sound started, everyone knew that he was back,” said Syd Rammstein ’20. He added that while this happens at least three times a week, this was the first time it was audible from outside the bathroom.

“We had to call Pubsafe. It had gone too far,” said Jake Crady ’20.

Hull kicked the bathroom stall door open after repeated calls for the student to come out of the stall. However, in a stunning turn of events, he found the student on the toilet genuinely excreting.

“He was using his laptop, working on a take-home midterm,” said Hull. He quickly added, “I didn’t know what to do.”

According to several sources who were there at the time of the confrontation, the loud slapping noise was the result of a nervous tick. When nervous, the student would softly, but rapidly, slap his cheek, so as to make a “masturbatory” sound.

After the student came out of the bathroom, his peers and fellow hallmates took turns apologizing to him.

While the accused student was not available for an immediate comment, the Daily Gazette has scheduled a comprehensive open forum for the 3rd of April. The forum will be broadcasted live on Facebook and Youtube.

Dean Nathan Miller

This is not the real Dean Nathan Miller. If you got confused, you have been PUNKED. April fool's.!!!!1!!

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