In a desperate attempt to damage 2016 Democratic Presidential Nominee Hillary Clinton’s reputation, supporters and campaign affiliates of Donald Trump, the Republican presidential nominee, started a movement to edit, revise, add, and strike out the majority of the clauses in the Bill of Rights, claiming that the Bill was “old and needed to become renovated anyway.” According to the proposal that Trump supporters have collectively contributed to and released through the Great America Political Action Committee, the only amendment that would remain as it is would be the Second Amendment, which guarantees citizens the right to bear arms.
“I forgot when it was written, but all I know is that the Bill of Rights is very old,” said Ashley McCallister, Trump’s campaign manager. “You see, when you have such an old document telling people what their rights are, you know you have a problem in this country. And right now, the Bill of Rights is being unfairly used by the media to intentionally harm Mr. Trump. It is all the left’s attempt to rig this election, you know. Hillary and her gang probably were conspiring with the Founding Fathers against Donald Trump, because they’re so unconfident that she could win without a sneaky leg up in the election. I am so proud of our supporters for coming together and drafting this proposal during this time of hatred against the true voice of the people. Hillary should learn from our supporters what ‘Stronger Together’ looks like if she really wants to become a uniting source of our nation.”
The proposal, which the Trump supporters titled, “Make the Bill Great Again,” presents the original words of the amendment, followed by the newly worded version that reflects the drafters’ views. Zachary Zinofo, a reporter for Fox News show Hannity, played a huge role in drafting what he called the “ideal” version of the First Amendment.
“Freedom of speech and of the press is a joke in this country,” Zinofo said. “Look at those brainwashed folks in CNN, for example. You give news organizations like that this freedom and look at the crap that they are producing! Attacks on the Donald 24/7, just because they’re basically being fed with money by big Clinton supporting donors. We need to chop some freedom out of organizations that report biased material, and make them more like Fox! Unlike CNN or other liberal media, we provide objective, nonpartisan news to our viewers. Maybe if those liberal commie Clinton pets over in CNN looks to Fox as a role model, they will become a better news organization overall!”
The Fourth Amendment in particular received the short end of the stick, nearly being wiped out of its original words. The amendment, which protects citizens from unwarranted searches and seizures, became a punching bag for many Trump supporters, who felt the original amendment “contributed to high crime rates all over the nation.”
“Listen,” said Daniel Longwall, Trump supporter from Wisconsin. “The Fourth Amendment is absolutely nuts. It’s tearing our country apart. You see Chicago? You see Baltimore? You see Detroit? This is all because of the Fourth Amendment. Let me tell you, we need things like stop-and-frisk! You want to know why? Because our next President of the United States, Donald Trump, said so! Maybe we should have security checks in all the public areas like cafes or parks. Maybe we can have officers frisk everybody wherever they go. Hillary won’t do things like that for us because her brain doesn’t exist, but I bet Donald Trump will go for it!”
Some supporters found a different reason for striking out the Fourth Amendment.
“I will just say this,” said Nigel Towers, Trump supporter from Virginia. “It is because of the Fourth Amendment that Hillary is not in jail yet. Search her! Seize her! Go through those damn emails! Arrest her! Lock her up! I guarantee you, you’ll see some interesting stuff coming out of her shady life if the Fourth Amendment is abolished. I’m pretty sure she has rubbed shoulders with the devil.” Towers also commented on the Illuminati during the interview, and expressed that he was very convinced that shellfish contain radioactive chemicals.
The proposal, along with the hashtag #MaketheBillGreatAgain have trended on various Social Networking Sites such as Facebook and Twitter. Every amendment, except for the Second Amendment has been touched upon by the main drafters of the proposal. According to David Rudison, spokesman for former mayor of New York City Rudy Giuliani, this cooperation against the existing establishment that history has created was what America was all about.
“I am very proud to stand with Donald and his supporters with this proposal,” Rudison said. “Although I’ve had some hard times for the past few days trying to defend Donald from that damn video, this kind of unity blows spirit into me to continue defending Donald. I can’t wait to see him become our President and lock criminals like Hillary up in jail immediately.”
Disclaimer: Names that appear in this article as non-public figures are not real people. The information presented in this article is purely meant for satirical purposes, and is completely false.