Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
Students, our cries of outrage at Worth Health Center have been answered! Say goodbye to incredibly unhelpful and unsatisfying hours and services, and say hello to a complete revamp of Worth.
CAPS is being entirely abolished, the nurse practitioner model ditched, and all preventative health measures obliterated. And, best of all, all these services have been replaced with a Play-doh Workshop. Yes, you heard correctly: a Play-doh Workshop. What this Play-doh workshop entails is a mystery, but it is certain which Play-doh colors will be provided.
“ROYGBIV,” President Valerie Smith says confidently, “ROYGBIV. This is precisely what all of our students have needed since the foundation of this institution. It’s so wonderful that we have access to these sorts of remedies for all problems…” she trails off.
Worth (if you can even find it), will be open 24/7 and supplied with minimal quantities of Play-doh in order to satisfy the needs of Swarthmore’s student body. Forget your worries, troubles, and that nasty stomach bug going around – Worth is here to help. Stop on by and dig your poorly and rarely-washed hands into a big (probably small) pile of Play-doh while really getting to know your fellow classmates.
“I made this pelican!” cries Julia Barbano, ’19, when we stopped by to see how things at Worth Play-doh Workshop (beta) were going.
“Julia, that is a dog with no eyes,” we say as we look at her— hopeful that the Play-doh is helping.
“Yeah. I’m not sure who made this decision, but I’m really happy that it happened. I also have no idea how Worth used to work before, but I’m certain that this is infinitely better,” says an anonymous student who so graciously gave us their input.
We tried to find out what happens when the Play-doh dries out, but Alice Holland gave us only this ominous quote:
“It will not.”
Her eyes glaze over.