Board of Managers Begins Drilling Operations

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

Soon after an extensive survey by the Swarthmore Geology department, the college held a press conference to announce the discovery of a yet-untapped reservoir of high-grade caffeine underneath school grounds. It is estimated that 300,000 barrels of coffee could be hidden underneath Science Center, with many more in a larger coffee-field estimated to extend as far south as PPR.

Realizing the immense opportunities, the Swarthmore Board of Managers has voted to immediately divest from all fossil fuels and use the endowment to instead invest in an ambitious program to capture, store, and refine the high-energy bounty that is now known to lie under Swarthmore’s beautiful campus.

Less than 24 hours after the start of the project, the engineers are finding remarkable returns. The pilot project, The Lang Derrick for Community Investment and Campus Justice, struck liquid gold in a test site outside the Science Center. Thousands of gallons of high-grade raw frappuccino spewed from beneath the science quad, dousing the engineering students and portending success for the college’s aggressive drilling program. The volume available from this pump alone is thought to be equivalent to 250,000 cups of coffee (62.5 kiloExpressos) and is projected to be able to fuel every student on campus for a whole two days.

Over the course of the next week, drilling will begin in other non-essential locations, such as Sharples Dining Hall, Willets Dormitory, and the Swarthmore Inn. All buildings currently obstructing drilling at these sites will be demolished over the weekend. The President’s office will be holding an open Collection to discuss this initiative, at a yet to be determined time.

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