For many at a school like Swarthmore, the end goal is to get hitched for good. After all, few things take the edge off stress like a regular fuck — and emotional intimacy, I guess. This is especially true now, in the midst of cuffing season, which, to paraphrase Urban Dictionary, is when everyone starts craving a relationship during the colder months. Unfortunately, sometimes, the same old good stuff just isn’t good enough. People fall into routines, habits quickly get old, and what was once your sole source of excitement in your life has become distinctly underwhelming. To remedy this problem, how can one put the fun back in, well, fun?
It might be useful to first identify where things can go wrong. As an example, there can be false assumptions made, or extrapolations based off of the first night. I once had a boy who became strangely obsessed with my earlobes just because I expressed minor encouragement on the first night. The poor boy wasn’t too experienced and assumed this was the most erogenous zone on the human body, and was so proud of his lapdog impersonation that I didn’t have the heart to call him out: I instead made significant progress on my fake moaning. This was fine at first, until I became convincing to the point this kid assumed he’d identified the third source of the male orgasm. Something had to change. In other cases, a routine that started off as somewhat extraordinary quickly becomes insufficient, as you realize that it was just the novelty that made you writhe.
In all of these cases, it seems to me that we take issue with the formation of habit, whether it is because you got tired of them or because they were never good in the first place. These habits are usually present because one party is still comfortable with them: if not, then someone should really just communicate their issues. I see more of a problem when one party is more sexually satisfied than the other: how do you try and establish a new norm, or break the routine altogether, when you can’t guarantee that that partner will remain happy? There’s something daunting about the potential disappointment that would ensue.
But regardless, the issue remains that you find sex boring: there’s something truly incongruous about stifling a yawn as someone arduously tries to pleasure you. You could pass it off as a moan, but really the issue remains that orgasms shouldn’t be dull as dishwater. It’s mainly for this reason that I can’t really justify keeping quiet: it’s just too unfair on you.
So you’re having the conversation.
“Hey sugar, I love you and you’re great, but we have a bit of an issue. When you’re giving me head and I close my eyes, I’m not actually too pleasured to keep them open: I’m taking a power nap before it’s my turn.”
Hopefully that goes down well. Regardless, you’ll be reaching a point where you need to ask yourself: what’s next? You have to identify solutions. There have been so many comedy skits about failed attempts at spicing up sex lives, and it wouldn’t be particularly helpful for me to compile a list that goes from obscure sex toys to the appendix of the Kama Sutra. People are always suggesting diversifying, without trying to rationalize why one would try each option. If your issue were about monotony, then maybe a new position would do the trick; if it’s more about impossibility to pleasure, consider outside mechanical help. For some, it may more be about a shift in attitude: reconfiguring the dynamic through discourse could do the trick. That was veiled language for talking dirty as fuck.
To be perfectly honest, I am concerned that your dull-ass sex may be a symptom of a bigger problem. After all, the slope from a boring sex life to a boring partner is more slippery that that silicone lube you bought out of desperation. How can you tell the problem doesn’t run deeper? Would you even be worrying about this in the first place if you had perfect communication with your partner? Or maybe you aren’t even meant for a monogamous relationship, and you’d get bored of sex with any one person if it goes on too long.
Unfortunately, I don’t have the space to address all of these issues. You may have to think about it more yourself. In your situation, I wouldn’t necessarily try to orchestrate something. One random Thursday, you’re in bed together; tentatively try grabbing them somewhere you haven’t before, ask if it’s okay because you need continuous verbal consent, and then just keep going along with something you haven’t tried before. Surprise yourself, and surprise them. Maybe what you need is not to overthink it.
