You’ve heard. Crunkfest is canceled this year. Adios vomlette, adieu naked macarena marathon, auf wiedersehen triathlon. Citing recent concerns regarding student safety and well being, the administration of Swarthmore has shifted student life in a new direction that does not include Crunkfest. In the past Crunkfest relied on a mutual trust between the students, the administration and public safety that allowed Swarthmore to turn a blind eye to the happenings of Worth Courtyard for 24 hours once a year. Within the annals of Crunkfest are many stories of participants pushing their social, philosophical, political, moral, sexual and, yes, physical limits. Those stories begat rumors which begat a reputation which begat the administration’s decision to ban Crunkfest this year.
Though we may not like it, if Swarthmore wishes for Crunkfest to come out from the shadows and leave its illegalities behind, then we will accept those terms. We will populate a list of tasks that requires no one to break the law. We hold this truth to be self-evident, that l’esprit de Crunk cannot be found in a tab, pill, hit or rip of anything. Crunkfest is about stepping away from our otherwise responsible and structured lives and indulge in a bacchanalian celebration organized for degenerates, by degenerates. When else are you and 4 other friends going to have the chance to combine your creativity, skills and efforts to be a bellhop in the Parrish elevators, BYOFood to a restaurant and ask for water or stand naked together and sing Swarthmore’s fight song in a four-part harmony.
We have offered and plan to begin working with the administration to address their specific concerns about Crunkfest. We see no reason why a Crunkfest purged from contraband, but with all its quirky, strange, and ridiculous trimmings intact cannot flourish on a campus so full of freaks like us. We have faith that #crunkneverdies and we hope you feel the same way.
Below is a selection of tasks that were going to be included in this year’s Crunkfest. In making this usually very private document public we hope to accomplish two things: First, to be transparent and open with the Swarthmore administration as we figure out how to address their specific worries about student safety. We believe student wellbeing is paramount to all else and are firmly committed to keep Crunkspace a safe space. Second, we want to be transparent with the student body about what we imagine the future of Crunkfest might look like. The entirely student-run aspect of this event is part of where its magic comes from. If you want to have Crunkfest return next year then please speak up and say something! This can take many forms: comment on an article, talk about it at dinner with your friends and enemies, hang a poster in Parrish, chalk Magill walk, organize a massive direct mail pro-Crunk campaign to the dean’s office. Every ‘lil bit helps.
See you soon,
Moulin Splooge
Alis Ansal ’15, Rebecca Contreras ’13, Travis Mattingly ’13, Tom Powers ’13, and Sarah B. Vogelman ’13 were the winners of last year’s Crunkfest.
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1
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Nest w/ a Nesterak
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10
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2
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Trill Clinton
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5
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3
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Bronycon in the courtyard +if it’s 20% cooler than the LARP
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25
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4
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Take a bath in coffee +if it’s in the Willets 3rd floor bathtub
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20
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5
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Number from Smash +Megan Hilty realness
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10
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6
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Spend 10 hours in a tree +if Scheub joins you
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40
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7
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Kegel in the Crum
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7
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8
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Hail to the Queef
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5
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9
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Loudest Queef
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10
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10
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Ear candle with care +if you eat it ++if someone else on your team eats it
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7
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11
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSXZtYFdvsI
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15
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12
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Add/Drop Beats +Beets
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5
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13
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It’s Monsoon Season +Jinx
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5
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14
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NevilleLongBottoms
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6
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15
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Get tested +Get ur tester’s number ++if you go out
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30
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16
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Go to a restaurant and order nothing but water +call the restaurant to send the waiter back to your table
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30
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17
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Pick your nose +put it back in
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5
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18
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Pee in a litter box +clean it up urself
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10
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19
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Dress up as the little mermaid +grieve in front of seafood
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20
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20
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Hungry like the Wolf
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10
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21
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Teen (beo)Wolf +tyler posey realness ++germanic poetic meter
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5
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22
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Honors Oral Exam I. Nicki Minaj’s verse from “Monster”
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10
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23
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Hold a seance +if you resurrect the analytical chem tenure track position ++if you resurrect Dash 4 Cash
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15
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24
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sexting a sixteenth century feudal lord +if you cause unrest in my loins
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5
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25
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Lose an argument and literally eat your hat
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10
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26
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Busk in the ville +if you get enough to buy a student special at Renatos
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10
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27
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Call your parents and convince them you are pregnant/married/dropping out + on speakerphone in the courtyard
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12
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28
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Run-N-pee +for P-style
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5
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29
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Have sex with Flat Stanley +if you send the picture to a friend ++if they take and send their own picture
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10
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30
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Slow motion race
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5
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31
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Loogie smoothie
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1 pt per mL (30 mL max)
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32
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Most mirrors
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15
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33
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Little Swat SIblings Showdown +get Mia Ferguson and Cyrus Newlin to do battle
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15
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34
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Get in a bubble
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15
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35
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Do someone else’s job
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10
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36
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Zombie walk in the ville at midnight
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2 pt/person
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37
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Wear all your clothes
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10
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38
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GesamtkunstTWERK
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10
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39
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Largest socialist rendering of Rebecca Chopp
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10
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40
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Pajama Pantsless
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10
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41
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Most loose change
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15
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42
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Best anti-Crunk propaganda
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10
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43
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Simultaneous monologue
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10
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44
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Dizzly Lizzy Competition
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16
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45
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Dirt Castle +if it’s Winterfell
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5
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46
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Sweat Lodge
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10
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47
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Start a Sophraternity +if you become recognized by Phi Si/DU/Sig Ep
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10 +5x each recognition
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48
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Wittling soap sculptures
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10
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49
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Walk a mile in her shoes
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15
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50
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Impose sanctions on Putin
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10
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51
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Start a Super PAC
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5
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52
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Extreme Makeover someone’s dorm room
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15
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53
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Bedazzle Swat ID
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5
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54
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Herd Cats
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5
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55
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Least favorite people having sex
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5
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56
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Fundraise for fake event +for most signatures
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10
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57
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Wait tables at Sharples
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12
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58
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Solicit most swipes
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3 per swipe
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59
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Innie or Outie
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10
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60
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Set up bobbing for apples stand in front of McCabe
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10
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61
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Hang “out of order” sign on stairs and direct people around them
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5
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62
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Stay at one door for an hour and open door for everyone that comes in
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15
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63
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Swarthmore train station concierge
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5
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64
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Scale model of Crunkfest
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10
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65
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Level up in karate
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5
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66
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Host business meeting with investors
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13
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67
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Condom Tie
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5
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68
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Bake cookies +give them to Pubsafe
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15
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69
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Greco-Roman Quidditch
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5
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70
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LARP in the Crum
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35
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71
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Clitorary theory and practice
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7
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72
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Pop a tart
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5
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73
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Literal asshat
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5
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74
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Best improvised merkin
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10
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75
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Go to Haverford and give a tour
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15
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76
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Anal properties of the “artisanal” movement
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5
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77
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Tree-some
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t(h)ree per tree
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78
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Recreate Pee Wee Herman’s Tequila dance +for the suit ++for the shoes
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15
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79
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Most toothpaste used in a single brushing
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5
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80
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Crunk Regatta
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20/15/10
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81
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Deliver Robert Zoellick’s commencement speech
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10
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82
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Event: The Library Is Open (Reading is Fundamental)
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10
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83
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Biggest Paper Crane
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5
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84
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Most conspicuous yawn +for lecture ++for seminar
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10
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85
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How the WRC really caught fire
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15
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I have absolutely no idea what half of those things on the list even mean….
Yaaaaaaa cronkfist but y no makeerena? Wher is Harold bloom!!!!!!
Yes!!!! Swarthmore would not be the same without some room for crunk spirit. I was never a participant, but had friends who were and they had a grand ol’ time as did we who chose to watch (or didn’t). Sad to see the school become totally boring.
lol.
Chalk me up as somebody who had am amazing time doing Crunkfest and was completely substance-free for 23 1/2 hours. (Okay, a little caffeine.) Compromise might stink, but I’m confident that Crunkfest can still be GREAT on terms the powers-that-be can get with.
Mmmmmmmm that’s some damn fine reading!
Go forth, ye blissful freakes of nurture, take these urgent duties and USE WELL THY FREEDOM!
Plaudits for the first team to back the venerable Moulin Splooge, arbiters of a brighter #crunkmorrow for you, for me, and forever. Here’s to the coveted campus weirdo-trangressivism that we must guard as if the last flame on earth.
Alright alright alright–I’m in.
Get the god damned litter box.
Crunkfest is wonderful! Long live the crunk. Consentfest, safefest, realfest, crumfest(?).
Thanks for not giving up! Crunk power.
gives you a ringing endorsement
Speaking on behalf of a victorious team from the days of yore, I am honored and humbled that five of the items on here originated on our list for Crunk ’09. Let the new regulations come, and sing a new song. Crunk is the world soul, crunk is the pawnshop. Adaptation is liberation. And in questions of aesthetics the key is quality.
this is wonderful and i really appreciate all the talk that’s come out of this about how crunkfest participants (and we judges!) are very, very dedicated to safety and consent. i applaud all the work being done on campus by people like Moulin Splooge, and some whose comments were published in the previous article. as a two time participant and judge, i feel very strongly about this fact, though also feel that crunkfest can always become safER and that at times like this we have a unique opportunity to really evaluate how safe our practices were in ways that can make them safer for others in the future (especially regarding consent in the cloud of alcohol, substances (legal or not!), competition, and semi-public displays of sexuality). i’m all for taking this (shitty) situation as a chance to grow, and it seems y’all feel the same way which makes me a proud crunk mama.
-the Bride Stripped Bare (yr crunk grannies actually)
PS love the litter box bit. no one shit in the a litterbox when i asked them to–maybe it was too much to ask for~
wooooooooo. so hyped.
Is anyone still looking at making Krunkfest a reality? I want to bring this back.
Hellll yeah let’s do it