Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
Penton Beak, executive chef of Swarthmore’s dining services, revealed yesterday that the much-loved fried chicken at Patio Bar owes its tender crunch to one secret ingredient: human tears.
“Yeah, you know, these Swarthmore kids, they’ll cry about anything. I mean they get a bad grade and wham, here come the waterworks,” Beak said. “So, we thought we’d take advantage of that, and uh, make all of that suffering worth it.”
Christie Thompson ‘16 expressed mild surprise when confronted with the news about her favorite Sharples dish. “Oh. Wow. I’ve always wondered how they manage to achieve that perfect balance between crisp breading and moist interior. Now I know, I guess!”
Thompson’s boyfriend, Red Schiller ‘16, thought differently. “Well, shit,” he said. “That can’t be healthy. Think about the sodium levels!”
The question remains, however: how does Sharples go about collecting student tears? And furthermore, why are they so delicious?
“I can’t really speak to the second question, they just are,” Beak said. “But in terms of how we get ‘em, we wait outside Kohlberg and the Science Center during midterm and finals weeks, and also, we’ve got an informant who keeps us updated on the relationship statuses of the entire student body, via Facebook. So, whenever there’s a break-up, we’re there.”
If you would like to donate your tears to Sharples, please email firstname.lastname@example.org, or just call 1-800-CHI-CKEN, which is conveniently also a Suicide Hotline. “Your tears will go into the creation of what has been called the best fried chicken this side of the Mason Dixon line,” Beak said. “But after you donate, make sure to get some help.”