Practice Makes Permanent: Breaking Bad Sex Habits

As Swatties, we are perpetually interested in improving ourselves. We may or may not be actively trying to do so, but we certainly talk about it until we’re blue in the balls. One easy thing to attack in our quest for self-improvement are bad habits. We all have some habit that our Moms and/or Pops incessantly pick on, attempting to nag us into reform. However, unlike biting your nails, bad sex habits are not so freely discussed. For this reason, many of our bad sex habits persist, sometimes for years.

It’s hard to know what your habits are if they’re never communicated to you. So, I’ve made a list of the most common bad sex habits. If you have questions about something specific or think that there are couple that should be added to this list, please email me:

Not Committing:
…not to a relationship (that’s your choice!) but to any individual sexual act. It’s normal to feel vulnerable, awkward, or silly during sex. Unfortunately, these feelings sometimes cause insecurities that result in not fully committing to the task at hand (or at mouth) to avoid feeling inexperienced or “stupid.” This is especially a problem with dirty talk. The only thing that’s ‘stupid’ is this behavior — half-assing getting ass defeats the purpose of the ass in the first place.  In order to be a good lover, you need to put your all into putting it all in. Both comfort and experience will result.

Fantasizing Individually:
This is a vestigial habit from our teenage masturbation days — those days when one was singularly responsible for creating orgasm-inducing sexual scenarios. If you’re consistently fantasizing about other sexual scenarios while in an actual sexual scenario, it’s as though you’re masturbating with a living, breathing vibrator. In creating your own world of fantasy and excluding your partner, you’re missing out on  the “intimacy” of sexual intimacy. This is especially important if you’re in an ongoing sexual relationship. Tell your partner about your fantasies and see if you can incorporate them into your physical routine. Trust me when I say that the sex will improve.

Not Expanding the Sexual Repertoire:
Twats, penises, asses, nipples, ankles, or whatever else makes your parts plop, are variant with variant tastes and preferences. They’re like fleshy snowflakes—where one may like it hard, another may like it soft, where one may like it licked, another may like it bitten. Be willing to change the choreography of your horizontal hokey pokey so that both you and your partner are enjoying the dance. Additionally, if you’re stuck in ‘hit and quit’ mode, you may want to explore more sexual options. I will hate Hollywood movies forever for eternally depicting sex as a two-minute make-out session that culminates in penetration. There are so many forms of sex and so many ways to have sex. Explore your own interests and don’t adopt an unsatisfying routine just because you saw Hollywood’s How To.

Stock Noises:
Porn has done the injustice of giving the world a trademark soundtrack of pleasure. You don’t need to incessantly moan “yeah” in a high-pitched voice or grunt like a bear (the animal, not the term for furry, gay men)  to show your lover that you’re having a good time. According to Christopher Ryan, co-author of “Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality,” moaning may be an adaptation meant to attract other potential lovers. It comes naturally and you should embrace it, however it comes. Don’t feel obligated to do it a certain way to show your lover your appreciation.

In the midst of all the pre-sex eagerness, sometimes we lose sight of our partner’s sensations. There’s (hopefully) a lot to be excited about during sex, I know. But one should always practice care (or careful un-care, if that’s what you’re into) when performing sexual acts on your partner. If something won’t go in, don’t push it. If you’re touching a sensitive area, don’t handle it carelessly. If you’re on top, don’t ride it like your favorite carnival ride. Make your partner’s pleasure your priority and I’m sure you’ll end up riding the pleasure wave all the back to dry land, too.

Fake Orgasm
Unless you’re Kate or Leonardo fucking in a car on a boat on the open seas, cut the drama. You may think that this is a way to ‘flatter’ your lover or to keep from hurting their feelings; however, this really just makes it all the worse when they find out. And they will. It will become apparent to them that you lied when you drop the charade and all the things that got you off before, curiously, don’t do anything for you. The easiest way to have bad sex is to allow your partner to believe that all the things that don’t make you come are satisfying you. Respectfully telling your lover the truth and showing them how you like it sounds like a lot more fun than deceitfully lying to them and having unfulfilling sex, right? I agree.

Stoic Sex:
A problem that we Swatties have is taking everything too seriously. Sex is no exception. Remember that sex is something silly, outrageous, funny, and, sometimes, strange. Fucking can be fucking awkward unless you fuck the awkwardness. So, accept sex for what it is and give a chuckle with that orgasm.

I’ve said this like a billion times by now, I’m sure, but communication never stops being important. Don’t like the sex? Speak up! Enjoy the sex totally? Don’t assume that your partner is diggin’ it as much—as they say, when you assume there will be no good ass for u or me. Be open with your partner and to editing your sexual habits and techniques. Desiderius Erasmus once said that “as nail is driven out by another nail. Habit is overcome by habit.” Getting over your own individual bad habit can only be accomplished by working on and/or negotiating with your partner to put a better habit in its place. Just keeping driving and driving those nails in; you will overcome and overcome that habit. Hopefully multiple times.

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