The housing lottery is fast approaching. Finding a roommate can be a stressful process. We’re Swatties, after all, and we have a tendency to perceive most tasks, big or small, significant or insignificant, hard or soft, as stressful. It’s part of our charm.
Now, I don’t mean to add anymore shit to your shit-storm, but along with finding a roommate that is “mad chill” and shares your propensities for late nights, you may want to find a roommate that shares your ideas about sex. Or, at least, is flexible enough to adjust. I know that you may believe this falls under the “mad chill” umbrella. However, don’t wait until your pelvic-pillow is prodding through your panties to find out which way this is going to go. You may not come … to a satisfying conclusion when it is most important. Instead of waiting for the vibrator to drop, you should speak directly to your potential roomie and negotiate sexile terms before you enter the lottery together. Trust me when I say that one foul blockmate makes a fouler cock-block. To prevent black eyes and blue balls, I’ve created this guide to sexiling:
It may be really uncomfortable for you to suddenly strike up a conversation about the nasty. If you have trouble articulating your demands, a good tactic for getting the ball(s) rolling is tagging this topic onto the end of an existing thread of conversation. If you’re already talking to your prospective roommate about something that involves sex, or bad roommates, or pain-crushing celibacy, you have an easy way of pulling an “oh, that reminds me…” on them. Present the topic to your roommate in the tone that you want your roommate to respond in. If you avoid eye contact, mumble, and seem awkward, your roommate is going to be infected by your awkwardness. Swatties are particularly susceptible to this social disease. Be confident, straightforward, and mature and your roommate will respond similarly. If you’re having trouble, imagine that you’re explaining it to your professor in the middle of class.
What is Reasonable
These are terms that I think are generally reasonable for college students. You and your roommate may find yourselves more or less open to these suggestions. Either way, these can be a good starting point for your own conversation.
Time: I think that two hours is the maximum time that can be granted for a sexile. This gives you sufficient time for even the more extensive sexual routines such as amorous love-making (and the cuddling/pillow-talking that succeeds it), kinky play sessions, or just straight-up (or LGBTQ-up) fuck-fests. I also think it’s reasonable to negotiate a bi-monthly stay-away night for roomies who are getting steady bounce. Everyone is entitled to those extended vacations in pound-town.
Notification: The best thing to do is, of course, notify your roommate beforehand. Most Swatties are neurotics that plan entire days in advance—I myself am one. If you want to stay in good graces with your roommate, it’s good to give them a proper heads up. Try to give them an hour so that they can neurotically re-plan their entire night. If you have an impromptu sex session, a phone call or text is required at the very least. The old tie-on-the-door sign became irrelevant when everyone in the world started carrying a cell phone.
Clean Up: Things like stray condom wrappers (or condoms, ugh), dental dams, lube packets, etc. can be really skeevy. Sheets are also a post-sex hygiene point of interest—nothing says ‘awkward’ like sheets that are reminiscent of the Micronesian flag. Be mindful of this and make sure to add a clause to your contract about general cleanliness. Additionally, crack a window after you have sex. There are very few people that want to walk into your sauna of sex-stank.
Don’t Be Obnoxious: This is a broad statement, I know. However, as Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said, “I can’t define [it], but I know it when I see it” and I’m sure you do too. If you’re kneading the downstairs dough all the time, it may become a strain on your relationship with your roommate. Try to be mindful of your roommate’s needs as well as your own. Fit in sexsions during their class time as much as possible, share the sexile responsibilities with your partner(s), don’t last-minute sexile your roommate all the time, and always say ‘thanks’. The only thing that sucks worse than being kicked out of your own room is being kicked out of your own room so that someone else can fuck in it while you waste your life in McCabe alone. So, be nice.
Don’t touch anything that belongs to your roommate during a sexile. Most importantly, stay away from your roommate’s bed. The bed is sacred. Even if you’re not using it for sex, never leave your roommate to wonder.
Don’t sexile your roommate the night before they have an exam. I may be biased by my experience with Swat sciences when I say this, but your roommate’s Orgo exam is always more important than your orgasm. There are lots of potential places to screw on campus, but there is really only one place to sleep peacefully.
Keep It Open:
Not your door, but the lines of communication. This is the foundation of all good relationships. Make sure to keep a clause in your roomie contract that allows for renegotiating of your sexile terms if things aren’t working out. Roommate divorce is not pleasant—that’s a ½ chance of moving to ML.