Newsflash: It’s almost fall break! Let the cheers be heard from ML to DU to Worth! Now, along with a much-needed relaxation period for most of us, fall break also means the start of swooping. Ah, yes — swooping: Swarthmore’s favorite pastime. The act of upperclassmen shamelessly preying on young freshmen. It really is an art form that many men and women seem to have perfected throughout the years. It’s beautiful, really. I will break down this article and address two groups of people: freshmen and upperclassmen.
Freshmen: Embrace the swoop. Love the swoop. Tell only very close friends about the swoop. But do not thirst for the swoop. This is where you will get yourself in trouble. You don’t want to be that freshman who ends up following that senior/junior around just because they said hi to you after they bumped into you. It’s not cute. Not to mention your swoop-worthy potential will decrease exponentially. Doubt me? I’ve seen it happen every year and someone ends up crying on the steps of some building wondering why he or she is “forever alone.” It’s hard out in these streets sometimes. So what’s my advice? My advice is, “Don’t make it harder on yourself. Control what you can control and don’t worry about the rest.” Anyway, back to swooping. Freshmen, know whom you are getting swooped by. Know whether the reputation is a good one and whether or not you will be tossed to the side like a dirty banana peel in Mario Kart. It’s important. There are some genuinely nice and awesome people who are worthy of all the praises on this campus, but trust me, there are definitely people who deserve anything but all the praises. If you don’t do your research, that’s on you, boo. Don’t be fooled by the looks (or lack thereof) and really think about what who you decide to sleep with. Word on this campus spreads like a California wildfire — and if you don’t believe me, let my tale be a cautionary tale for all young and innocent freshmen. I can’t stress enough the importance of your name. It’s important. Hold on to it. Don’t let the opportunity of someone slandering your name arise. Swooping can be a great thing for all parties involved or it could be “drama” on top of “drama” with a side of “drama” all washed down with a nice cold glass of “drama.”
Juniors & Seniors: Be careful who you swoop on. These are freshmen. They are young, naive and impressionable. Know this. Be cognizant of the fact that they may think one thing and you may think another. They may think that you two are dating and you may think that hooking up with them two weekends in a row is no big deal at all (which it isn’t). Next thing you know, you bring back someone else and you have an entire table of freshmen plotting your demise because they have nothing better to do during pass/fail. I say to you the same thing I said to the freshmen: know who you’re about to hook up with. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the idea of getting with a new Swarthmore cutie. But remember, that new Swarthmore cutie can easily be that new Swarthmore crazy and at that point, while you’re eating your Caribbean bar and the friends of the person you got with gives you death glares even Stevie Wonder can see, you’ll realize the sex wasn’t even worth it. Not to mention, let’s keep one thing in perspective. You’re upperclassmen! The fact that you’re older makes you that much more desirable. Thou shalt not feel the need to swoop! Let the freshmen try and get on your level before you even start to make moves. There is an unattainability factor that really makes you look that much better. Don’t let these younglings mess up your flow. Never. Exude that upperclassman aura that you know you have. A wise man once said, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” And here, swooping freshmen who may not be worth it is definitely small stuff. If the freshman is totally worth it, then by all means, go forth and claim that booty. But if not, let it go.