Love In This (Olde) Club

Let’s set the scene. You’re out on a Saturday night and you want to have a great time and meet a new face. Music is blaring, people are laughing, the floor is sticky & gross and—when you put your swoggles on—that cutie you saw in McCabe one night is right across the way. It’s a formula for a good time. But allow me to spit some knowledge (read: tips) for all you Swatties for a minute. Though the majority of people out are really there to dance, most of the time people feel like they have no rhythm or can’t dance for fear of judgment. Realistically, you probably can’t dance but that’s okay. Just stick to a simple two-step and try not to look like you’re flagging down a plane because if one crashes into Olde Club due to your inability to control your limbs, I may have to make you question all of your life choices. But, if you can manage this simple two-step, then you, my friend, are golden.

The next step is to get that hook-up interested. If they seem to be dancing with someone else, please don’t cry. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve witnessed this. It makes you look pitiful. Don’t make me have to tell you to “get your life.” Let them breathe, give them their space and enjoy your night. Always remember that you are out to enjoy yourself (Notice that nowhere in those sentences was the name of the person that you want to hook-up with) but, back to landing that potential hook-up! If you notice that they don’t seem to be preoccupied with anything at the moment, take your hand, mentally grab those testes (or if you don’t have any, pretend) and muster up that courage to introduce yourself. It’s really that simple. Don’t share your life story, don’t talk about classes, don’t interrogate them and never mention any other names of potential hook-ups. When you are talking to this potential hook-up, remember to be engaging; laugh and flirt. It’s okay. Flirting is a beautiful thing when done right. It only takes minimal touch, smiles, laughter and eye contact. Now, while you are doing all of this, be sure to notice this person’s body language. If they seem to be looking around very often, they are probably not interested. At that point you can leave the conversation by being very polite; saying something like, “Well, I got to catch up with some friends but I hope to see you around,” will do just fine. It’s simple, easy and not dramatic by any means. Not to mention, when you do see them around, say “hello.” It shows that you valued that short interaction. Hook-up or not, it’s all about being personable and not keeping it awkward. Swat is small, and you will definitely be seeing them again.

Now if this potential hook-up seems to be reciprocating, then you can go with the flow of the conversation. If friends come by to drag this person away, and the potential hook-up tells their friends to come back later, you’re in. However, if they are talking with a friend of theirs and you’re left standing there, walk away and find your home base, aka a platonic friend. If the potential hook-up cares, they’ll be back. Please  don’t stand there staring at them like some kind of crazed killer or worse, looking like a puppy who’s got its tail caught in a door. You are grown and act as such. You will get rejected in life but guess what? It. Goes. On.

When/if they do come back and you are still willing to leave with them as you keep talking with them throughout the night, then it’s now a mere matter of who will be the first to ask. If you want to ask first, then don’t drag the crush up the Olde Club basement stairs. If you do that, you lose. And I will be forced to have to tell you to “get your life together” and to “have a seat” as I proceed to “read you”. (If you have no idea what I just said, is a beautiful thing.) But, if you’re about to ask to leave with them, remember that consent is sexy… I promise. Asking someone “to go somewhere more private” or even “talk with less people around” is a great segway to getting some real quality alone time. At that point, you can do whatever you want, essentially. Nothing is sexier than the eye contact when that potential hook-up says “yes.”

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