For the first time: understanding your body, comfort level

Virginity. The word itself conjures up heteronormative associations of man on woman vaginal penetration and bullshit expectations of proper ladies with freezer-box cold vaginas.

Firstly, let me just say that sex is so many things, not just penetration. Virginity is something that is not defined by that one act. It’s like layers of an onion — a layer is peeled off with every new sex act achieved — and at the core, a nerdy sex-deprived Swattie is waiting to be freed.

It always amuses me how college students love to act like sex is no big deal, when in high school it was, like, the ultimate deal. For most, those anxious feelings do not disappear in a period of one to four years. We are all a little nervous about sex whether it’s our first time or our hundredth time. Leave your worries behind and find some room in your sex-filled mind for this advice:

Who’s the right one?
There isn’t one — there are many. I hate the idea of “the one.” There are 7 billion people in the world and even more permutations of a satisfying first experience.

“Love” is a word that is thrown around a lot when you speak about first times. If you’re in love and you want to lose part of your virginity to the one you love — great! If you are in Paces and you want to lose part of your virginity to the one who loves sweaty grinding — great! Some people find it easier to ‘hit it and quit it’ the first time so that they can leave the experience behind them quickly and move on to bigger and better things. Ain’t no shame in that game. As long as you feel comfortable with the experience that you’re having, the circumstances are irrelevant.

Your body
You may think that sex can be awkward and let me tell you: hell yeah, that shit can be awkward. Part of the reason for that is the fact that you’re sharing your body with another in a way that you don’t usually share your body.

Our body-fascist society has manipulated many of us into hating our bodies so that someone in a big corporation can benefit from our self-consciousness. While totally lame, it’s the reality of the situation. Most people are a little shy about their bodies or parts of their bodies, especially the first time. Remember this for your benefit as well as your partner’s.

If you feel a little shy about showing your bod to your partner(s), you always have the option of turning off the light or keeping the lighting low. Candlelight or the light on the hutch of your desk is perfect for creating flattering shadows. I actually look like Reese Witherspoon under the right light.

If you feel a little shy about having Neil Armstrong Jr. exploring your moon-base, just move their hands to a place that’s more comfortable for you. Try to relax and enjoy. The more turned on you are, the more comfortable you’ll be. If you notice that your partner is shy about being touched, proceed slowly. Make sure they’re comfortable and find ways to turn them on. If you get their junk juicy enough, they won’t care where you touch them.

In the moment
When you find yourself facing the loss of a layer of virginity, tell your partner (if they don’t already know) that it’s your first time. It may seem “supa dupa awks” to disclose that information, but it will result in a better sexual experience for both parties. Also, don’t be afraid to ask your partner stupid questions. Your partner didn’t hop out of the womb as an integral sex god with a mission to pound down all the meat mound in the world. They were once or are now virgins, too. We all figure out everything we know about sex through reading, experience and seemingly stupid questions.

If your partner acts like a jerk about it being your first time, then leave immediately. You definitely don’t want to have sex with someone who can’t deal with the whole virginity factor and it’s good to know that they can’t. More than anything else, you need someone who is understanding and open to the experience.

As for your expectations, lower them. Seriously, low. Thanks to cable TV, there is this perception amongst virgins that the first time will be magical and that sex will bring you to a higher plane of existence. Nope. At 12 o’clock, your chariot will turn into a pumpkin and you will feel like the same painfully ordinary person you were before you had the sex. Additionally, the mechanics of any type of sex are a little tricky to master on the first go. You may think you were awful the first time or you may not have liked the sex. Give it another try — nothing happens as easily as it does in movies. Your technique and your comfort level will improve with successive encounters.

Penetration specifics
I know. I’m contradicting myself. Though I do sincerely believe in my nursery rhyme rendition of the definition of virginity, I also realize that first time penetration is one of the trickier first times. So, I’m giving it a little extra attention. For information on other types of sex (outercourse, oral sex, kink, safe sex, etc.), please look through my column archives on the Phoenix website.

For those who will be receiving for the first time, please, ignore the horror stories about the first time that your melodramatic friends tell you. If you can deal with the pain of being a Swattie during exam week, a little cherry popping should be more than bearable. The vagina and the anus are elastic orifices (the vagina more so) that can and will accommodate any reasonable penetration tool of choice.

The vagina and the hymen
Most people believe that the hymen is the equivalent to a Vaginal Berlin Wall that will break, cause pain and a crazy rush of blood from the vagina the first time it is penetrated. This is one of those age-old sex myths. The vaginal corona is a crown shaped membrane that covers part of the vaginal entrance. Similar to a crown, the membrane has a hole in the middle from where menstrual blood flows out. Usually, the vaginal corona wears down over time especially due to physical activity or tampons. So, the experience is more like a stretching, not a breaking, which, if done right, results in mild pain and/or bleeding.

So, how do you do it right? Firstly, make sure the vagina is lubricated. Preferably with natural lube. This translates to ample foreplay. Salt-n-Pepa’s famous words were “you gotta lick it before we kick it” but, any beforehand play should suffice as long as the pink pit is moist. Start by using one finger, when the receiver feels comfy add more until you can finger bone with three comfortably. Width, not length is the pain factor here as there is a tight ring of muscles concentrated at the opening of your vagina and less the further up you go. If you slowly increase the number of fingers until it’s close to the width of the penetration tool of choice, you’re good. Once you’ve achieved comfortable penetration with the fingers, move on to other penetration tools, if desired.

One more point on vaginas
The hymen stretching plays a role in discomfort during your first time, yes. But, more often, the first time blues are exponentially worsened by your nerves. When you’re nervous, the muscles in your vagina will tighten which will make penetration difficult and a lot more painful. Just relax — when the lips of your face are smiling, the lips downstairs will be happy too.

If the vagina is tense, dry, and you or your partner just jambs a large penetration tool into the vagina without proper preparation, then, yes, it will bleed. It will also be very painful. You will rupture the vaginal corona and cause awful sensations that should never be associated with good sex. Don’t be that couple.

The anus contracts when an individual is excited/nervous/any-other-first-time-feeling. For this reason, the booty needs a little more attention. I suggest starting with a nice anal massage to calm some of those first time jitters and applying ample lube. Again, gradually finger the anus until the width of the fingers is almost equal to the width of the penetration tool. As comfort allows, penetrate with the penetration tool. All penetration tools should be secure or designed with a wider-base to avoid … losing anything. Throughout the session, continue to add lube. The anus does not naturally lubricate and will not do the job for you.

If the anus is tense or dry, and you or your partner just jambs a large penetration tool up there without proper preparation, yes, it will bleed. It will also be very painful. You will rupture the anal canal and cause awful sensations that should never be associated with good sex. Anyone noticing a trend?

A note for all receivers
You may feel the sensation of having to go to the bathroom the first time, either from the front or the back. This is totally normal — the sensation will fade throughout this sexsion or in successive sexsions.

The penis
If it’s your first time using your penis for penetration then congratulations. You made it!
What makes a lot of penis possessors nervous the first time is the pressure to perform. Just remember, this sex is not about your penis. It’s not even about you. It’s about you and your partner achieving mutual pleasure.

One of those fears that those penis possessors have is that they’ll come too quickly. Stimulation as intensive as penetration can do that. If the thought is distracting you, shoot off a practice round. Come once early on through digital manipulation or whatever means you and your partner prefer, and focus on your partner’s pleasure. Once you’ve released yourself from that burden, you’ll be a lot more relaxed and you will be able to focus on the preconceived intent of the sex. Chances are you will get hard again, last longer the second time, and be more calm and therefore, a better lover.

Another burden on those penetrating via penis is the process of locating the hole. A 16 year-old-boy nervously asked me “what if I can’t find it”? It’s not the lost city of Atlantis, it’s a hole with a known location. You will eventually find it with some poking around. Also, the pre-fingering session will make the hole a bit bigger and will help you get familiar with its location. If you’re doing it in the dark or low lights, don’t be afraid to ask you receiver to guide your penis to the damp depths. They most certainly will know where it is.

Using other penetration tools
Please, make sure that the penetration tool is, as I said, reasonable for this first encounter. I don’t think full sized lava lamp is appropriate…for the first time anyways.

For all participants of penetration
Read my columns on general penetration and safe sex on The Phoenix website for more detailed instruction.

The first time is the beginning of a beautiful (and sometimes downright nasty) thing. Don’t be afraid of it — we’ve all been there or will be there. Even if the first time sucks and is the worse experience of your life, that’s a good thing! It just means that sex will continue to get better with successive sexcapades. Good luck, my virgin minions, and have fun!

Vianca is a junior. You can reach her at

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