For some relationships, there comes a time for those involved to kick it long distance. Sustaining a 6,000 mile gap without 6,000 mile-long junk can be a bit of a hassle, if not a hustle to and fro. Some choose to open the relationship up for the sake of satisfying minimum physical needs while others decide to take the martyr route and stay monogamous. Whether you are a victim of the first decision or the latter, the long-distance thing doesn’t need translate to intra-relationship bed-death. On the contrary, distance makes the cock grow harder. You and your boo-of-choice must begin a new chapter in your boning repertoire — sex from afar.
It can be a challenge to maintain a sexual relationship without physical contact. However, remaining sexually connected is a task easily conquered by some verbal loving and love-spot rubbing. Unless you’re still using Morse code as your primary mode of communication, there are a myriad of efficient ways to keep the verbal communication between you and your other(s) steamy. For this reason, plenty of permutations of long-distance relationships exist.
*The Techie Solution: Phone and Skype *
When the possibility of oral sex is nil, aural sex is always an option. Yes, I’m referring to phone boning — the ol’ school remedy to these long-distance physical encounters. It can be hard to articulate how the state of wetness of your vag correlates to how nastily you want to get laid, but that comfort comes over time and exponentially increases with inebriating edibles consumed and/or level of horniness. Once started, I’m sure that you and your distant lover will fall into an eargasm-inducing routine in no time.
But how do you start?
Lots of people find that they are uncomfortable when it comes to starting this sexercise with their others. Don’t feel the pressure of producing a full-length $3.00 erotic pharmacy novel every time you speak. Start some basic naughty conversation that either sets the mood, or the thought, or the feeling, or the scene. Questions like “what are you wearing” or “what are position are you laying in” may seem really cheesy, but they’ve survived as the example of cliché phone-sex starters for a reason. They fucking work. Describing little aspects of the scene that one or both of you are in begins to create a setting where, if only in fantasy, you both exist. Once the setting is made, the story will follow. Another way of starting phone sex is sharing your favorite mutual sex memories or just plain talking about what things you like in bed. An open conversation about sex or memories of sex can lead to phone encounter of the more naughty variety … or not. Just articulating naughty thoughts to your partner is a great way to start on the phone sex trajectory.
Most people find it easy to keep the phone-sex going by making it a narrative co-written by both parties involved while others just like to share a free-flowing stream of naughty thoughts. No matter which way you go, just make sure that your partner is on board and that you are functioning together. This does not necessarily mean that you and your partner take turns kickin’ each other dirty thoughts. It just means that you’re keeping you and your partner on the same page, making a sexual connection. Pay close attention to your partner’s cues — make sure that your partner is enjoying the phone sex and is comfortable. Because you cannot see or touch your other, this is something that is easy to lose sight of during phone sex. You mustn’t! Remember that the primary reason that you are having sex via Samsung cellular (besides pleasure, of course) is to share and maintain intimacy and a sexual connection with your companion on the other side of the globe, country, state, city … campus. (Those ML/Roberts relationships must be crazy.) Losing sight of that will result in bad sex. (Cue: old movie drama score) Whether one of you prefers to talk or you spilt the talking 50/50, remember to engage each other. Asking questions like “What do you want to do to me”, “How do you like it”, “What do you want me to do”, “Are you touching yourself,” etc., function to both keep your partner engaged and the phone sex going.
The wonders of Skype face-to-face chat has made the reading of your partner’s cues much easier and sex glands a lot harder. Skype has aided the long-distance community by providing a means for Skype sex. The same idea as phone sex with the added pleasure and/or pressure of being able to see your partner as you go. This does not have to be an off off off off off off Broadway production of the “Vagina Monologues” or Candiiii’s live webcam unless you want it to be. Start by treating the skype chat as a opportunity to chat face to face about your fantasies. Once you’ve connected by means of this verbal love, advance to masturbating simultaneously, but not necessarily showing the each other your handiwork. When, and only when you feel comfortable, you can show your partner exactly how you’re playing the plush puppet. This establishment of comfort will result in an organic progression to more intricate performances and a better understanding of what your other likes/is comfortable with.
After the performances become routine, try to keep it exciting, literally. Have themed weeks, tell erotic stories (the Princess and the Penis?), do a lil’ dance, try something new, let your partner dicktate your actions, etc. Play the voyeur aspect to your advantage.
One really obnoxious and boner-killing feature of skype is the dropped calls. Before you begin the midnight show, make sure that you have a steady and reliable connection. If not, you’ll leave (but not come) more frustrated than you arrived.
*Excite your diction *
For some, the thought of voicing our erotic-nasty-borderline illegal brain-children to our partner may be a concept that we are not comfortable with. That’s totally okay. Just as there are multiple ways to be physical, there are multiple ways to be verbal. Sexy emails and text messages are a good alternative to vocalizing your thoughts. What I love about these is that they give you a chance to fully articulate your lusty feeling while simultaneously showcasing a lust-inducing vocabulary. Furthermore, the inhibitions that we usually have when speaking directly to our partners are dulled in this medium of communication. You may find that your partner opens up to you sexually and communicates all their genuine sexual interests.
The overall goal of this email should be to sustain sexual communication and express your sexual desires. However, don’t forget all these must be executed with the intent of exciting your partner. Create images for your partner’s mind that will create a mad sexual fury within them … you know, if you have the vocab for all of that.
This only works as a means of sexual communication if there is communication coming back and forth between you and your partner. If emails are flowing from one end and not the other, this sexercise is unhelpful. Building comfort and maintaining a sexual bond is something that both partners must contribute to.
For longer periods of time away, direct contact may be needed to keep the feeling of a sexual connection alive. The xmails and sexts are nice, but they do compromise feelings of intimacy. If your comfort is an issue, use these emails as a stepping stone to direct contact long distance-sex. Having phone or Skype sex every once and in while will keep that feeling of intimacy alive.
*Note: This is a personal pet peeve/turnoff, but I am sure a substantial amount of Swatties will support me on this — grammar. Use proper grammar and spellings of words in your naughty notes and erotic emails. If you must abbreviate words, plz (ugh) don’t butcher them. Additionally, some cellphones auto-correct spelling in texts which is a problem when most of the words you’re using probably won’t be listed in the dictionary. Nothing detracts from a hot email like an egregious spelling error that could have been avoided with simple revision. “I want to fuck your puppy”, I assure you, will kill the moment.
Want a bit more of a physical connection? Well, where there’s disposable income, there’s a way. Sex-positive (and most likely sex-deprived) geniuses have engineered electronics stimulate physical sexual experiences. The field is called teledildonics (seriously). Google-satisfy your curiosity, if you must.
Remote operated vibrators exist such that your partner can control the motion of movement of the shaft and speed of vibration. The more advanced, elder sister to the remote control vibe is the Sinulator/Fleshlight combination. A masturbation-sleeve that, when manipulated by the user (with any penetration tool of choice), affects action of the vibrator and motion of its shaft. These toys may seem like a fun solution to providing some mutual sexual activities for those separated, but the price-tags on products like these are pretty high.
The iPhone has a cheaper option in the form of an app. A program turns the iPhone into a vibrator that can be externally controlled is on the market. No shit. The app, available on many 18+ websites, transforms your iPhone into a mini-vibe whose vibrations correspond to the beat of the song playing, the sound of a voice or external music, or a pattern made on the screen of the iPhone. This allows your partner to control the vibration of your pleasure wand by picking a playlist or speaking over a phone, loudspeaker-style.
Everyone always talks about how hard long-distance relationships are and how much they suck. They are hard—in the bad way. They do suck—in the worse way. One reason for that, more than lack of sex, is lack of sexual connection. Always put in as much effort in sex from afar as you would in any other sex act. Pay attention to your sex from afar technique, masturbate to your liking (see my column on masturbation on the Phoenix website), and treat your partner with respect.
With that, I wish all ye long-distance lovers the best of luck. And all ye iPhone-friend havers the most inappropriate of assumptions.
Vianca is a junior. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.