Solo sex—the only time when excessive self-love is a good thing. Whether by choice or because you have no choice, masturbation is the key to consistent sexual pleasure.
If there is anything in the realm of sex that Swat has taught me, it’s good masturbation habits. Forced celibacy due to the countless hours of reading can drive one to seek asylum in some good ol’ chicken choking. Now, this is not a bad thing. Our society is so obsessed with two-heads-per-bed intimacy that we forget that the lone bone is still sex. Well, it is and as such we should pay all the attention to it that we would pay to any other form of sex. So, this week’s column is dedicated to virginal teenagers’ favorite pastime — rubbing one out.
Without the pressure of pleasing the puffer of another, most of us reach for underneath with intention of coming and then going. Much muss, but no fuss. Granted, with masturbation you have the freedom to be as hasty or nasty as you so choose. But, remember, spanking the monkey is like dress rehearsal for wrestling the ape. In order to have a rockin’ sexual relationship with any other human being on the planet, you need to have one with yourself first. So, every once in a while, slow it down and have some single-sex the way you would with a partner.
Devote a two-hour span out of a busy Swat day just to butter the batter. Start with some foreplay. Stimulate yourself in multiple ways. There are erogenous zones all over your body; you don’t need to reserve masturbation for playing with your ogling organs exclusively. Pinch the nipples, play with your lips and/or neck, plug up your ass, pretend to be Harry Potter or whatever. Masturbation is really the only forum for total freedom in sexual exploration. Try some quirky shit and see if it turns you on. It’s like dancing in the mirror — nobody is watching so you have free reign to get a little freaky.
Next, sit down with a bottle of lube or some petroleum jelly and have at it. Rub your genitals all over and take note of what really dings your dong. Discover the sensation of clenching your vaginal and/or anal muscles while you poke away at your insides or rub down your outsides. Different permutations of touch in different places are vital to study as well. Take the time to really get to know yourself (this is what college is all about) and memorize your patterns. These are cliff notes that you can hand-off to your partner for some hands-on action later.
Note: Finding time may not be as difficult as finding alone time. For those of us unfortunate and fortunate enough to have roomies, do yourself a favor and commit their schedule to memory. Three hour seminars are Swat’s gift to the over-stressed undergrad cum roommate.
Diversity in ‘Partners’
Palmarita is a lovely, lovely girl but, your genitals like variety just as much as you do. Being adventurous for the sake of pleasure is not only for partner sex. Be kinky on your own and try stimulating your diddle with different objects. Though the feeling of skin-on-skin contact may be Disney-style enchanting, the texture of other material may produce an equally amazing or better sensation. A couple of my favorites (both in theory and in practice) are: a bag of beads, a sponge, an ultra-fluffy sock that can be pulled over the hand, and pussywillow (I’m not just saying that for poetic value, either). For exclusively penetrative masturbation (anal and/or vaginal), experiment with shape.
Top-heavy objects give a different sensation than the bottom heavy ones which give a different sensation than spiky ones. Though, I wouldn’t advocate using the spiky ones. Try anything logical that sparks your interest and always sterilize it before use. Pulling a condom over your object of interest is also a great trick — it saves you the hassle of scrubbing away at the penetration tool twice and makes it more penetration friendly by lubricating it and giving it a nice smooth texture.
Another way to generate different sensations while double-clicking your mouse or yanking your wank is to let your groin, not your hand, do the work. This goes for beavers as much as beaver-cleavers. Straddle something (wicker chairs!) and hump away, rub your groin against your bed, or even just screw your hand. Possessors of the penis also have the option of screwing an inanimate object American Pie style. I’m told that the warm pie bit is not as good as a sandwich bag full of mashed potatoes stuffed between the covers of a large book. I really can’t comment on this, but, you never know. Give the epicurean experiment a try and let me know how that goes.
Sex toys are the obvious companion for a lonesome lower-half. If you don’t already have one, I suggest starting with a bullet vibrator (>$10.00 on Amazon) and just adding it to your private petting routine. Introducing your anus to this pulsating playmate while your other hand works on your twat or cock can result in a lifelong friendship. There is a range of different sex toys — each have their own special qualities and niche in the world of sexual pleasure. More on that next time…
Though it may be liberating to salt your dinner plate to your likening, be careful not to ruin the taste for those who must eat after you. Allowing your junk to get used to a very extreme form of stimulation (the vibrator on full speed, holding your penis in ‘death grip’, etc) is not the way to create sustainable orgasms. If and when you do have partner sex, your partner will find it difficult to move their jaw as fast as any battery-operated machine. You’re not fucking the Energizer Bunny so don’t allow yourself to get acclimated to such intensive stimulation.
With this said, go forth and (finger) pop till you can’t stop. If pleasure is not incentive enough to inspire you to rub one out, know this: masturbation and orgasms promote the brain’s release of endorphins which reduce stress and make you feel happy. If there is anything that the average Swattie needs, it’s a stress reducer and a smile. So, indulge and whip off a batch for the good of your mental health. At the very least, you’ll have a more legit reason besides the general workload for your carpal tunnel. So, play nicely and keep your hands to yourself (every once in a while).
Vianca is a junior. You can reach her at email@example.com.