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Working out the “kinks” in non-conventional sex

11 mins read

Kink is where soft core meets Sophocles. Okay, not exactly. But, it is the subsection of sex that is the most cerebral. Kinks originate in the deep, dark corners of your mind and are a manifestation of how your brain likes to bone. This attention to the mental side of sex is just as essential to finding pleasure as the attention to the physical side of sex. By engaging in kink, you can release your inner erotic demons and let them possess your squishy squatter for a while.

The definition that I use for kink is any sexual practice that surpasses the boundaries of “conventional sex” in order to reach a state of heightened sexual intimacy. In our sex-negative culture, “conventional sex” currently flirts with the anal sex border. This allows the term ‘kink’ to be very wide-ranging. Now, we all have something that rocks the boat (Aaliyah style) for us. Those things may be very conventional, like sexy lingerie, or a little less so, like toe cleavage. If you are of the first variety, well that’s good and dandy. But, for those of you (us!) who need a little more intensive … stimulation, there are ways to get what you want and/or need. Here’s what I would suggest:

Communicate

I know that I (over) stress the whole communication bit. That’s because I know how awks it can be to talk about sex. If you are of the “sex should just happen naturally — you just need to use your body, not your words” camp, you are a bit misguided. Yes, sex is very natural and some of it will come (but will you?) with just the verb-ing and not the verbalization. However, the whole “two girls, one cup” scenario is not something that “just happens.” Sex that is logistically complicated or out of the ordinary needs a bit of verbal support to work.

But, if you’re looking for something specific, how do you start that conversation? Blurting out, “Hey, I want you to call me ‘the cheeseburgerler’ while we bone,” may not be the best tactic. Kink is easily perceived as scary, unknown territory. This, of course, is made worse by the puritanical attitude towards sex that society shoves down our throats as soon as we can digest thoughts. Just remember, anything in the sexual realm can be jarring. Err on the side of getting laid and approach the topic slowly.

I suggest starting with the conversation during some pillow talk or some other time when you’re feeling particularly intimate with your partner. Treat the topic as a general inquiry for the sake of gaining intimate knowledge about your intimate partner or even a fun little fantasy slam. Something like, “Hey, tell me, what really drives you wild in bed,” or, “Hey, I’m curious about what turns you on.” Proceed appropriately depending on your partner’s reaction, keeping in mind, of course, that the intention of the shift in conversation is to tell them what does it for you. Another thing that might work is asking for what you want in the moment. If you’re really feeling that connection and both you and your partner are turned on past the point of sense, just go for it. It might not seem so outlandish to ask someone to stick a plush toy up your butt if they are already down there praising your bum in other ways.

If you find that you are completely content with the sex that you are getting from your partner and you’re not seeking something, you’re not off the hook (flesh or otherwise). Fulfilling your desires, whether they be conventional or not, may be just as taxing to your partner as fulfilling their desires. It is your obligation to make sure your partner is getting what they want as well. You can (and should) just as easily start the conversation about sexual wants and needs. Be ready for anything from complete content to total discontent. Be open to what your partner wants and don’t take it as a personal criticism. Some people just don’t feel comfortable talking about the hop on pop without an invitation. Seriously consider what they are telling you no matter how strange it seems to you. You are not obligated to do what they want, but it is your obligation to please your partner. Keep in mind that a compromised solution can be just as pleasurable as a kinky extreme.

The Act

No matter what you are doing, start slow. Start with incorporating dirty talk surrounding your kink to your normal sexual acts. (If dirty talk of a certain variety is what you want, integrate that as it feels natural.) Do this for a while, especially if one (or both) partners are apprehensive about the act. This way, you are both, in your mind at least, making a connection between this act and your normal sexual routine. Progress gradually until you are actually doing this thing that you both want or participating in the compromised arrangement that each partner has agreed to. One thing that can totally kill this progression is taking it all too seriously and/or feeling embarrassed during sex. Don’t feel foolish. And if you do, don’t hide. Sex is not meant to be strictly serious. It can be all different kinds of tones. Playing the reality of the situation may really ease the comfortableness of it all.

For the more logistically tricky kinks, do some research. As Swatties, it’s super easy to take the scholarly approach to things. Play to your strengths. The internet is a great source of information about anything specific. However, the net is not always the most reliable source for these things. There are way too many “mom and pop” blogs with inaccurate information. Books are always the classiest way to go. You’d be surprised by what you can find (and what I have found) through the inter-library loan program. There are books about everything … everything. I would suggest buying a compendium of kink and referring to the notes for specific references for your kink. “A Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission” by Gloria and William Brame is a starting point for any kinky adventure whether you are into power play or not.

Writing to your residential sex columnist can also save you a great deal of legwork (swarthmorephoenix.com/sexed). Specific questions about kink, like, “Should I take painkillers before D/S play?” (No!) or, “How do I start LOTR role-play with my boyfriend?” (Does the term “my precious” mean anything to you? Pair that with a handjob), can be sent this way.

Find

If you find that your partner cannot meet your needs, that’s fine. Don’t panic and start jumping to self-hating, guilt-ridden conclusions. You are not a freak; you’re just a little freaky. Many people are. If you look around, soon enough, you’ll find someone. If you cannot, it’s not the end of the world. In fact, it’s the beginning of a world, a world that contains billions of people.

No matter how wild, impossible-to-realize, weird, obscure, or confusing your fetish is, there are others who share it. All these others are on the World Wide Web. Those who love to spoon? Online. Foot fetishist? Online. People who like to masturbate while being tickled? Online. People who are really into control? Online (or in Cornell at 1 a.m. on any weekday). You are certainly not alone (nor do you have to be for long). There is a community of people for whatever you like — from the very mundane to the very kinky. Just be smart about with whom you interact and always take all the precautions you would with any strangers.

If you’re still feeling a bit shy about some kink that you have, I suggest this. One of my favorite past times is reading the Craigslist miscellaneous romance classifieds. Now, Craigslist is definitely not the place you should go lookin’ for love or kink or kinky love. But, the misc. romance classifieds is a great place to be exposed to all sorts of kinks. It may help you cope a bit with your thing. At the very least, it will make you giggle a bit.

Vianca is a junior. You can reach her at vmasucc1@swarthmore.edu.

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