Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
In a startling realization on Wednesday afternoon, Greg Patton ’06 discovered that he had been told a lie during orientation, and was in fact not worthwhile. The moment of truth came when Patton’s girlfriend of 6 months, Jen Robbins ’06, dumped him, stating, “I can’t believe I even dated you for this long, you worthless loser.”
Further investigation reveals that Robbins is indeed correct. An English major and Interpretation Theory minor, Patton is currently failing the majority of his classes due to his overwhelming addiction to MMORPGs. “Yeah, I can’t really remember the last time I saw him in class,” said classmate John Krauss, “But it doesn’t make much difference…he never said anything intelligent anyway, and he kinda smelled.”
Patton’s current post-graduation plans include moving back home and getting a job at the local Pizza Hut. “He worked there for about a year in high school,” commented his mother in a phone interview, “So he’s hoping he might have a better chance of making manager eventually.” When asked about her son’s worthiness, she replied, “Well…I had hoped for more for him, but despite how he turned out, I’ll still always love him.”
But even his mother’s love could not console Patton: “I feel like my whole Swarthmore career has been a lie,” he lamented, “There were some nights when that line was the only thing stopping me from crying myself to sleep. Now I just have nothing.”
The administration was not able to be reached for comment.