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Strictly Good Advice

in Campus Journal by

Strictly Good Advice,

I have no plans this summer, but people keep asking me what I’m doing. How do I give them an answer?

Thanks,

E.

Hello E., and thank you for your question. I’ll get right to the advice.

I suspect, because you’re asking and unsure, that telling the truth is not (on its own) an option. For whatever good enough reason, you’re up against an inquisitive party that won’t take “nothing” for an answer. It might be that you are unwilling to face the truth directly because it makes you upset, or because you are waiting on some things in your life to line up and that situation is hard to explain, or whatever. I don’t know you, and so I won’t make assumptions. Rather than look for a complicated way to effectively countenance, internalize, and communicate the truth of your situation, I will do my best instead to lay out guidelines so you can offer an untruth that gets the job done. If you’re nervous about lying, try patching your belief in what is right or wrong with a useful auxiliary; maybe lying isn’t always bad, or not every falsehood is a lie, or something isn’t a lie if you don’t want the other person to believe it’s true, etc.

Readers, be aware that I don’t in general condone lying just because it is advantageous or easy. But the demands placed by health and comfort seem, in E.’s case, to have gotten in the way of E.’s ability to be true to others and to herself. In situations like this, I first address pragmatic constraints. If context doesn’t demand honesty or trust, if instead managing expectations or unloading stress take priority, I think there are legitimate applications of fiction as fact. Consider an illustrative example.

Bo and Beau are identical twin siblings who share a bunk bed. Usually, Bo sleeps on top and Beau takes the bottom bunk. Each morning, Bo and Beau are woken up by their father, Baugh. Unfortunately neither Bo nor Beau is allowed to play with toys, keep friends, or otherwise savor the fleeting pleasures of childhood before it’s too late. So, to satisfy their penchant for juvenile mischief, every third Thursday Bo and Beau will switch bunks, i.e., Bo will take Beau’s spot on the top bunk and vice versa. This way, when Baugh comes into the room to commence the daily wakefulness by calling one phonetic “Bo” to attention, they can have a laugh at his trivialized expense. It doesn’t make a difference to Baugh whether Bo or Beau has descended from the top bunk so long as everyone gets to school on time, but the kids really get a kick out of it. This example should provide some evidence that, sometimes, you can give someone a lie and enjoy it, absent of negative consequences.

Once you’ve adjusted your moral compass in whatever suitable way, it’s time to package and present your harmless lie. Your answer should be boring enough that the listener is uncompelled toward follow-up questions, and vague enough that the listener will be blindsided in any attempt to connect your words and those things in the world to which your words look like they refer. Use your knowledge of the audience to  adjust these parameters optimally. Don’t tell a gastroenterologist you’ve just taken a two-month internship inside someone’s colon, because a gastroenterologist will continue to inquire about your exact responsibilities in and around the gut, if the position is paid, where and in which variety of digestive machinery the work takes place, etc. Avoid situations like this.

The last ingredient in crafting a useful, purposeful lie is a significant measure of detachment on your part. Whatever fudged summer plans you choose to put on display shouldn’t be your childhood dream, a job you wanted and didn’t get, or an exciting vacation. Too much investment in the world that sits around your lie will make living in it less comfortable and maybe even painful. Remember that your original aim was to spare yourself another person’s unwanted concern to reduce your net unproductive emotional burden; adding to this burden is antithetical to the advice.  

I will use these – brief, not exhaustive – criteria to give an example of a bad lie and a good lie. First will come the bad lie, then, hopefully, a better one. The difference should be clear, and once it is apparent, you will be better suited to address the rain of unexpected questions about your future from people who didn’t even seem so genuinely interested in your present.

“This summer I will be conducting college-funded independent research into the dietary behaviors of common American raccoons. Every night I will paint up my face and put on a carefully tailored raccoon suit, which is made of environmentally and ethically permissible furlike materials and join my furry friends (a band of 11 raccoons I have started calling “my furry friends”) in their nightly hunt through local suburban trash. For eight weeks I will feed only on whatever bits of garbage I can grab with my little paws (hands that I have started calling “my little paws”), and observe closely the changes to my naturally human, socially raccoon constitution. Various means of statistical analysis will follow to isolate important trends in the data. When the semester starts, I’ll present the interpreted findings on a trifold poster.”

“This summer I will be with a private group that works on various projects, but I’m not too sure exactly what I’ll be doing there.”

 

The truth revealed: she walks among us

in Opinions/Satire by

My name is Ivan Gestigator. I am an Austrian journalist in deep cover at Swarthmore College. In all likelihood, you know me and consider me a friend. I could be anyone so don’t look for me. I am undercover because, while my investigations put me and my love ones at great risk, after much deliberation I have decided that the truth must come out. It must ring out from the silenced bells of Clothier and in the bellows of the fire moose. It is time the Swarthmore student body knew: Dean Zil Nuarb is a lizard-person.

I have been collecting evidence for the past three years and have collected a plethora of evidence to attest to Nuarb’s reptilian nature. The first piece of evidence comes from deep in the dean’s records. It was actually my hacking of Dean Nuarb’s computers that led to the institution of the Duo authentication program. While perusing the dean’s records, I found a tantalizing morsel of information. It turns out that Zil Nuarb never completed her college-mandated swim test.

You may ask, “Why was I forced to enter the icy waters of that pool while the dean was not?” As a lizard-person, Nuarb is endowed with a form of mind control that is particularly potent against bureaucrats. Thus the dean could have bypassed Warner’s draconian swimming requirements with nothing more than a well-timed hiss. But why didn’t she just take the swim test? The answer to that question is in her biology. As a reptilian, Zil is exothermic. For those of you unacquainted with the most noble of fields that is biology, that means that if she gets cold, she dies. It all makes sense if you think about it.

My second piece of evidence lies in the fact that she is oviparous. For you non-biology lame-os, that means that she lays eggs. On one of my weekly break-ins of dean Nuarb’s office, I made a startling discovery. While checking under the radiator I found a nest of torn-up copies of the Phoenix with three giant green eggs inside. She seemed to be using the periodical to incubate her young in the warmth of all its hot takes. You may say, “What if she didn’t lay the eggs?” When I reported the newspaper nest under the radiator to Pub Safe as a fire hazard, the responding officers came to find three tiny versions of Dean Nuarb running around her office. These officers have since disappeared. Nonetheless, the eggs were clearly laid by the dean herself. And since lizards lay eggs, it follows that Dean Nuarb is a lizard-person.

Thirdly, while attending a weekly coffee talk I saw something disturbing. Yes, while sipping my cuppa joe I saw her eat a cricket. The cricket was just minding its own business walking around Sci Commons, and the dean just stuck out her 4-foot tongue and ate it straight off the floor. Yes, straight off the floor. Totally unsanitary. Hundreds of people walk on that floor. But as a lizard-person, Dean Nuarb does not care for human hygienic standards — she has the immune system of a crocodilian. For those of you majoring in lesser, non-biological areas of study, crocodilian immune systems are lit. This is all just more evidence to attest to Nuarb’s reptilian nature.

The next piece of evidence concerns one of the dean’s closest associates, president Lav H’tims. Like many shady characters, Dean Nuarb is incriminated by her associations with other known lizard-people. For those of you who are behind on the latest news, President H’tims was recently revealed to be a lizard-person through her ties to the fossil fuel industry. Some of you cool bio kids might note that most lizards do not partake in social interaction with their own kind. You would, of course, be correct. But you fail to note that Nuarb is not a lizard but a lizard-person. People are notably social and thus, so too, are lizard-people.

Finally, why is she trying so hard to convince everyone that she is a bare-white woman? Seems pretty suspicious. The supposed evidence of her humanity is all revealed here: dean-nuarb-is-not-a-lizard.com (seriously, check it out). That sure is a sketchy web address; it makes one wonder what she’s hiding. Well, I’m here to tell you, she is hiding that she is, in fact, a lizard-person. All I’m saying is that only a lizard-person would write an article about how they were a white woman. Wake up sheeple.

So there you have it folks. Dean Nuarb is a lizard-person. What does this mean for the college and the student body? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Swarthmore has been run by lizard-people since its founding. It actually turns out that “Swarthmore College” translates to “a place to give humans anxiety” in the ancient language of the lizard-people. It all makes sense now, doesn’t it? Now that the truth is out there, you must go about your business as usual, and I must return to the shadows.

 

Don’t look for me,

Ivan

The Death of Online News

in Opinions/Satire/Staff Editorials by

Since 1881, we at The Phoenix have worked tirelessly to write pieces relevant to the Swarthmore community that are informative and conducive to discourse. As we continue to publish, we aim to stay ahead of the curve. It takes visionaries to know what the next move is, to stay ahead, and take risky decisions in order to best serve our community. With much thought from the current editorial board, advising from various outside consulting agencies, and 195DC consulting, we have decided that the best course of action, especially with the current journalistic climate, is to focus on our print publication. We will cease publishing online, as online news will soon be dead.

With the prevalence of fake news, readers have demonstrated that they don’t appreciate a 24 hour online news cycle because it requires more work on their part to verify the validity of the news that they read. Similarly, online news available at all times of day only adds additional stress to the Swarthmore community since continuous news serves as more readings that the community will never actually finish.

For our dedicated readership base, we will admit, the deletion of our website will come as a large shock, but we assure you that you are merely confusing the plate for the food, and our content will retain the same quality it always has. Online news simply cannot keep up with the fast pace of print journalism. While we rush to the presses each week, online news outlets with no real deadlines are unable to put out journalism as fast as we can in print.

As print journalism continues to grow, we must put more of our resources into printing more newspapers. As the newspapers often disappear from Parrish within just a hours of their distribution, we must focus on constant replenishment of these papers. We have a responsibility to make sure that students have access to news, as well as kindling for fires at Crumhenge. After all, The Phoenix is a source of news as well as opinions, arts, sports, and flames. Online news has reached its death, while print journalism has found itself rising from the ashes.

One of the benefits to students is that with the print copy of The Phoenix, students can better let professors know that they aren’t paying attention in their professor’s class — reading on a laptop provides far too much uncertainty about what students might be doing. Honesty is the best policy when it comes to being distracted in a lecture, and print journalism prides itself in exposing the truth.

Perhaps most importantly, print is also the only way students can access The Phoenix’s crossword puzzle. We at The Phoenix recognize that the online version of The Phoenix is worthless without the joy of solving word-based puzzle games.

As we shift our focus to print, we look forward to moving our printing operations to campus as well. Currently, we work with a company called Bartash, but they unreasonably failed to deliver the paper during the small and harmless snow storms this semester. Because of this deficiency, we believe it is best for us to do our printing in house in order to ensure that these delays no longer rob the Swarthmore community of timely print publication. After extensive talks with the administration, in exchange for agreeing to write only positive stories about them, they have agreed to give The Phoenix ownership of both frat houses to hold our printers.

We are excited to deliver news solely in print to the student body moving forward. We thank you, our readers, for sticking with us through this shift.

Swarthmore treats admitted students like royalty

in Columns/Opinions/Satire by

In desperate hopes to lure admitted prospective students into matriculating to Swarthmore, the administration sent out strict orders to the students, faculty, and staff—especially the dining staff—prior to Swatstruck, instructing them to show their best performance and be on their best behavior. Furthermore, the college community was ordered to treat prospective students like royalty.

“We must do whatever we can to bring those students in here,” said Blake Trickton, Dean of Admissions. “I cannot bear having these students turn down our offer of admission and go somewhere else, especially our peer institutions like Williams and Amherst. We really need to get back into the top three in U.S. News rankings, you see, and bringing the best students here can get us back into where we belong. How dare they put us in the same rank as Middlebury and below Wellesley. I don’t know about Middlebury,  but everybody knows that Wellesley literally got into the top three just because of Hillary Clinton.”

Students who were hosting prospective students were specifically instructed to provide them with the service one would receive at a five-star hotel. As part of their training, hosts were required to attend a seven-hour panel and seminar with experts in the hospitality industry. According to Marla Lago, Admissions Officer in charge of hosting, the admissions office wanted to ensure that the prospective students be treated as if they own the room, and the hosts should be the ones giving up anything they can to make the students feel comfortable. Furthermore, hosts were told to give up their beds for the prospective students, and clean up after whatever mess they create.

“This will definitely make the admitted students feel like Swatties are all very nice people who sacrifice everything for the needs of others,” Lago said. “The tables have turned and now it is our turn to beg them to come, instead of them begging us to give them letters of admission. The Class of 2021 will play a huge role in continuing our reputation as a popular, yet selective, liberal arts college.”

After Swatstruck, hosting students reported numerous incidents where they felt, according to the words of Shifu Xerver ’20, “proud and accomplished for being a great host for the students.”

“My spec got drunk and threw up in my room, but never did I ever show any signs of frustration or anger toward him,” Xerver said. “Instead of getting mad, I told him that it was completely fine, and that accidents can happen. And then I spent the next two hours trying to clean up the mess he barfed up out of his stomach, instead of studying for a really important test I had the next day that was 30% of my entire grade. I’m usually not that much of a nice person, but I’m so proud that I was able to maintain my inner- peace instead of exploding at them and abandoning them in the middle of Swatstruck! Can someone give me an award for that?”

Another student, David McNirvana ’19, shared an even greater accomplishment, a move that even earned him extra money from the Admissions Office.

“My spec hooked up with another spec, and he brought her to my room and asked me to leave,” McNirvana said. “The guy had the guts to kick me out of my own room. But I acted like I was completely cool with it even though I had two tests and an essay due the next day. I not only left the room, but I also lent them my bed to let them do their business. If anyone deserves a Best Host award, it’s me.”

According to Trickton, food is always an obstacle that tarnishes Swarthmore’s reputation. Therefore, Trickton ordered the dining hall staff to bring in the Indian Bar, consisting of freshly baked naan and hand-made curry that is only offered during days when there are a lot of visitors.

“We put much more effort to please our future students and persuade them to come here,” said Aglio McPasta, head of dining services. “In addition to having Indian Bar, which is our go-to Swatstruck menu, we also brought in chefs who own Michelin Three Star restaurants to revamp our signature chef’s pasta bar. In order to do this, however, we had to force current students to eat regular pasta bar in a separate dining area, so that prospective students don’t find out the actual truth”

Trickton is hopeful that the event persuades many prospective students to matriculate to Swarthmore.

“I think we did a good job in luring in a bunch of prospective students into coming here,” Trickton said. “Hopefully this will increase our rankings in U.S. News, and get us the third place that we deserve on the list.”

 

Annual engineering prank is that everyone will go to sleep at 9:00 pm

in Satire by

In a shocking twist, the engineering students have announced that the annual engineering prank will be that all students will be going to bed at 9:00 pm on April 1st.

“For the last couple years we’ve come up with some really good pranks that poke fun at Swarthmore culture. The coffee-drilling oil rig outside Sci Center last year poked fun at our workaholic culture and that fake dorm on Mertz field the year before was a great way at making fun of how the school’s always building new buildings and no one ever really that thrilled about it. This year, though, we decide we really wanted to do something that would rattle the school to its core,” said engineering Major Andrew Anderson ’17.

The engineering students will be triggering a campus-wide blackout beginning at 9:00pm on April 1st. Wifi will be down and there will be no lights on campus. As Mary Lyons and Strath Haven are on a different electrical line from the main campus, engineering students will be travelling to ML and Strath Haven apartments occupied by students and manually destroying the electrical wiring. The students believe that in the absence of the light required to do any sort of meaningful work, students would just go to sleep.

“Most Swat students are only going to have an hour or so of laptop charge left when 9:00pm comes around and not much more charge on their phones, so by 10:00pm most students will be left in the dark. Once in the dark, there’s only two things to do: have sex or go to sleep. And let’s be honest, only 10-15% of us’ll be having sex. Our models pretty confidently predict upwards of 90% of students asleep by 10:30,” said Abby Teren ‘18, also an engineering student.

To those that may have safety concerns regarding the impending darkness, the engineering students have, of course, developed a contingency plan.

“We bought Pubsafe roughly 120 flashlights and and they’ll be randomly patrolling campus for the duration of the night. If anything goes wrong you should probably just scream. It’s not that big of a campus, someone will hear. Oh, I guess, the blue light beacons will still be functioning. But screaming’s probably easier anyways,” said Teren.

Although the engineering students will be causing the blackout, repairs will be left to workbox. The college is expected to be returned to fully functional status some time between mid-April and next October.

The department of engineering will also be hosting a reading of the children’s book Go the F*ck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach at 8:30pm in Hicks Hall.

MJ to fully automate divestment protest process

in Satire by

In response to the recent citations of four Mountain Justice student protesters, MJ has decided to dramatically escalate their divestment campaign. In order to do so, MJ has enlisted the help of a large team of computer science and engineering students to fully automate the divestment campaign. With the help of a web crawler, Facebook chat bot, and neural network, MJ will be emailing a new divestment petition to every current Swarthmore student, every newly admitted member of the class of 2021, every living Swat alumnus, and unfortunately more than a few deceased alumni. This petition will include a new feature for alumni where they can list dollar amounts of donations that they’re not giving to the school because of the college’s refusal to divest. Although the petition is expected to yield signatures far exceeding the size of the present student body, the petition will likely not return a number of signatures rivalling the size of the endowment and will therefore be entirely ignored by the administration.

“Our new divestment campaign is going to be bigger and better than any divestment campaign so far. Obviously, we’re bringing back the petition, that one’s always a fan favorite. We’re also really going to double down on the sit-ins, because that seems really hot at the moment, but to really make a statement, we’ve decided on a quadruple-headed approach this time and are introducing two entirely new campaign,” said Jessica Terra ‘19.  

One new campaign focuses on sending the Board of Managers hourly updates of the number of individuals who’ve signed the petition and the amount of money not donated to the school. To avoid the MJ email address simply being blacklisted, MJ is asking students to install a new app they’ve created on their cell phones which will rotate between users of the app, occasionally utilizing the user’s phone to email, text, call, fax, and LinkedIn DM members of the Board of Managers. The app will be available for iOS, Android, Windows Phone, Blackberry, and Nokia flip phone and the the hourly update duties will be distributed among the set of users using a neural network.

The sit-in protest will also be fully automated. Engineering students have constructed a group of humanoid robots which will sit in the offices of Vice President of Finances and Administration Gregory Brown, Chief Investment Officer Mark Amstutz, Associate Dean of Students Nathan Miller, and President Valerie Smith for an indefinite period of time. In order to comply with the Student Code of Conduct, these robots will be fully functional personal assistants, assisting (and not interfering with) the day to day work of the administrators. In order to be effective as a protest, however, the robots will continuously emit subliminal pro-divestment messages, which largely consist of polar bear trivia. The technology, of course, utilizes neural networks to govern the robot’s administrative assistant capabilities.

When it was pointed out to MJ that these robots probably are already against the Student Code of Conduct and, if not, definitely will be by next year when the college updates the Code of Conduct to bar even more forms of student protest, MJ members responded by saying that the robots probably don’t count as students and can’t be cited and weigh approximately 800 pounds each so it’s not like PubSafe could really move them even if they wanted to.

The fourth head of MJ’s new quadruple headed approach is an innovative new protest technique where MJ is combining their Responsible Endowments Fund with a million layer neural network to actively target the college’s fossil fuel investments and decrease their value through a series of minor market exchanges indecipherable to the human mind.

“To be honest, I’m not even sure what this one does. It sort of makes sense, but this isn’t something that should actually work, is it?” said MJ member someone someone.

“This should definitely not work,” said Associate Professor of Computer Science, someone someone.

Sharples voted as the best restaurant on campus

in Columns/Opinions/Satire by

For the 53rd year, Sharples Dining Hall won the Best Cafeteria Award on Swarthmore’s campus. From food quality to sanitation, Sharples won first place in every category of judgment, easily beating out its competitors, a streak that has not been broken since 1964.

“We are so proud of our achievement,” Sharples staff, Sadie McDelu said. “I think what really sets us apart from our competitors is that we have menus that change on a daily basis, and the student response is usually really good. Our signature pasta bar especially is a signature menu that gives a meal at Sharples its reputation as a world-famous, top-quality dining experience.”

Critics largely attributed Sharples’ high rank to its customers’ loyalty to the restaurant. According to Anton Ego, food critic, after dining three times at Sharples, he noticed a remarkable repetition of the faces he saw at the dining hall. Excluding summer, when students are unable to eat at Sharples due to its closure, the dining hall is always full of people.

“You know a restaurant is good when you see that its customers keep coming back on a regular basis,” Ego said. “This is something that not every restaurant can easily achieved, and I applaud Sharples for being able to do what many restaurant owners only dream of.”

The announcement of the achievement came to no surprise for many students, who were ecstatic about Sharples’ record-breaking achievement.

“Sharples deserves this more than any other dining hall on our campus,” Elisa Nakayama ’19 said. “You don’t know how happy and amazed we are that Sharples has, for five decades, been able to clinch the top spot every single year despite such fierce competition. Once again, Sharples proved that it is second to none on our campus, and there is nobody who can deny that fact.”

In addition to the students, various Swarthmore alumni sent congratulatory messages as well via the alumni newsletter.

“Sharples is a blessing for Swarthmore,” Michael McMickey ’16 said. “During my time there, I loved Sharples so much that I ate all three of my meals there every day. In fact, it was so good that I always cried every time I ate there, even though I’ve been there so many times. I’ve even sharplifted several times and secretly stole food whenever it was so good. If there is one thing I really miss about Swarthmore, it is Sharples, especially its amazing pasta bar.”

In addition to its popularity, critics also cited Sharples’ gracious dining coupons for its customers. Named OneCard, in reference to the coupons’ reputation for always holding the top spot in its category, the system has been very customer friendly, even allowing for an option for customers to eat unlimited amount of times in the hall, if they wish to do so.

“Thanks to the unlimited meal plan, I can have Sharples whenever I want, however many times I want,” Nakayama said. “We didn’t have that last year and I was always so sad, because I would always be forced to eat at places like Bamboo Bistro to save up my meals. Bamboo is nothing compared to Sharples, and now that I am on the unlimited plan, I can have Sharples all day, every day!”

In the meantime, Sharples has once again been nominated for the Best Cafeteria award for 2018.

Swarthmore freezes dormitories to save energy

in Columns/Opinions/Satire by

To keep up with Swarthmore’s commitment to being green and eco-friendly, Swarthmore announced Tuesday that it will leave dormitories without heating outside of the facilities department’s office hours. This announcement follows its declaration of Operation Cold War, which turned off hot waters for showers last December.

“We are trying to live up to our promise to become an eco-friendly institution,” said Olaf Snowman, facilities staff member. “We saved a lot of money when we turned off hot water in various dorms last year. We thought it would be a great idea to try something like that again, so we’re going to turn off the heaters in many dorms. But students should not worry at all! My lovely colleagues in the Worth Health Center will be there to help should students fall ill due to our commitment to eco-friendliness. Everything will be fine!”

Nicole McEskimo, another facilities staff member, expressed approval of this announcement, citing not only its positive environmental effects, but also its initiative to move the world toward a more “natural” state.

“Things like heaters are the number one things that move the human world farther away from the natural state of being in which the Earth was created upon,” McEskimo said. “When humans did not have any heaters, we braved the winter cold with just fire, a natural element of the Earth. Nowadays, not only are we using electricity to create fake heat, we are normalizing the use of this terrible, unnatural creation, which hinders the natural processes of Mother Nature. We must reduce use of such inventions to an absolute minimum.”

When asked if she ever turns on heaters at home, McEskimo started talking about her own experience living in a dormitory 40 years ago as a college student.

According to Dana Alice Kemp, Workbox staff member, part of this initiative’s goal is to teach students a lesson for complaining too much about the flaky heat systems.

“Students should feel grateful that they have heat in the first place,” Kemp said. “I think Swarthmore students need to learn to think more positively. Having heat is not a right. It is a privilege that is only given to those who deserve it. We want to show that we can always take it away if we feel like we should.”

Student anger was apparent as soon as the facilities department made this announcement. Residents of Wharton Hall, who still enjoy complimentary ice cold showers to this day, picketed  around the building demanding the administration immediately turn the heaters back on. Some students who have friends living in Strath Haven Condominiums or other off-campus housing resorted to camping out there, after reportedly having shiver attacks in their own rooms. The anger, however, was especially apparent among residents in Mary Lyons.

“Thank you, Swarthmore, for giving me another reason to hate my dorm,” said Brieanna Merry ’20, a resident of Mary Lyons. “I used to feel so relieved after I finally got to my dorm every day to some heat, because it actually made me feel like I was at home, like many people in ML feel. But instead, I now return to an igloo after nearly freezing to death outside. My roommate and I are thinking about creating a makeshift bonfire in the middle of our room. Maybe then, at least we will find out what being an Eskimo is like! How exciting is that! So thankful that Swarthmore is stretching itself to this extent to give me a true liberal arts education and hands-on learning! Can I get academic credit for this?”

The heater, according to the facilities staff, will remain turned off until the beginning of the summer.

Disclaimer: This article was written with a purely satirical purpose. All of the information presented in this article are thus false.

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