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Swarthmore treats admitted students like royalty

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In desperate hopes to lure admitted prospective students into matriculating to Swarthmore, the administration sent out strict orders to the students, faculty, and staff—especially the dining staff—prior to Swatstruck, instructing them to show their best performance and be on their best behavior. Furthermore, the college community was ordered to treat prospective students like royalty.

“We must do whatever we can to bring those students in here,” said Blake Trickton, Dean of Admissions. “I cannot bear having these students turn down our offer of admission and go somewhere else, especially our peer institutions like Williams and Amherst. We really need to get back into the top three in U.S. News rankings, you see, and bringing the best students here can get us back into where we belong. How dare they put us in the same rank as Middlebury and below Wellesley. I don’t know about Middlebury,  but everybody knows that Wellesley literally got into the top three just because of Hillary Clinton.”

Students who were hosting prospective students were specifically instructed to provide them with the service one would receive at a five-star hotel. As part of their training, hosts were required to attend a seven-hour panel and seminar with experts in the hospitality industry. According to Marla Lago, Admissions Officer in charge of hosting, the admissions office wanted to ensure that the prospective students be treated as if they own the room, and the hosts should be the ones giving up anything they can to make the students feel comfortable. Furthermore, hosts were told to give up their beds for the prospective students, and clean up after whatever mess they create.

“This will definitely make the admitted students feel like Swatties are all very nice people who sacrifice everything for the needs of others,” Lago said. “The tables have turned and now it is our turn to beg them to come, instead of them begging us to give them letters of admission. The Class of 2021 will play a huge role in continuing our reputation as a popular, yet selective, liberal arts college.”

After Swatstruck, hosting students reported numerous incidents where they felt, according to the words of Shifu Xerver ’20, “proud and accomplished for being a great host for the students.”

“My spec got drunk and threw up in my room, but never did I ever show any signs of frustration or anger toward him,” Xerver said. “Instead of getting mad, I told him that it was completely fine, and that accidents can happen. And then I spent the next two hours trying to clean up the mess he barfed up out of his stomach, instead of studying for a really important test I had the next day that was 30% of my entire grade. I’m usually not that much of a nice person, but I’m so proud that I was able to maintain my inner- peace instead of exploding at them and abandoning them in the middle of Swatstruck! Can someone give me an award for that?”

Another student, David McNirvana ’19, shared an even greater accomplishment, a move that even earned him extra money from the Admissions Office.

“My spec hooked up with another spec, and he brought her to my room and asked me to leave,” McNirvana said. “The guy had the guts to kick me out of my own room. But I acted like I was completely cool with it even though I had two tests and an essay due the next day. I not only left the room, but I also lent them my bed to let them do their business. If anyone deserves a Best Host award, it’s me.”

According to Trickton, food is always an obstacle that tarnishes Swarthmore’s reputation. Therefore, Trickton ordered the dining hall staff to bring in the Indian Bar, consisting of freshly baked naan and hand-made curry that is only offered during days when there are a lot of visitors.

“We put much more effort to please our future students and persuade them to come here,” said Aglio McPasta, head of dining services. “In addition to having Indian Bar, which is our go-to Swatstruck menu, we also brought in chefs who own Michelin Three Star restaurants to revamp our signature chef’s pasta bar. In order to do this, however, we had to force current students to eat regular pasta bar in a separate dining area, so that prospective students don’t find out the actual truth”

Trickton is hopeful that the event persuades many prospective students to matriculate to Swarthmore.

“I think we did a good job in luring in a bunch of prospective students into coming here,” Trickton said. “Hopefully this will increase our rankings in U.S. News, and get us the third place that we deserve on the list.”

 

Annual engineering prank is that everyone will go to sleep at 9:00 pm

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In a shocking twist, the engineering students have announced that the annual engineering prank will be that all students will be going to bed at 9:00 pm on April 1st.

“For the last couple years we’ve come up with some really good pranks that poke fun at Swarthmore culture. The coffee-drilling oil rig outside Sci Center last year poked fun at our workaholic culture and that fake dorm on Mertz field the year before was a great way at making fun of how the school’s always building new buildings and no one ever really that thrilled about it. This year, though, we decide we really wanted to do something that would rattle the school to its core,” said engineering Major Andrew Anderson ’17.

The engineering students will be triggering a campus-wide blackout beginning at 9:00pm on April 1st. Wifi will be down and there will be no lights on campus. As Mary Lyons and Strath Haven are on a different electrical line from the main campus, engineering students will be travelling to ML and Strath Haven apartments occupied by students and manually destroying the electrical wiring. The students believe that in the absence of the light required to do any sort of meaningful work, students would just go to sleep.

“Most Swat students are only going to have an hour or so of laptop charge left when 9:00pm comes around and not much more charge on their phones, so by 10:00pm most students will be left in the dark. Once in the dark, there’s only two things to do: have sex or go to sleep. And let’s be honest, only 10-15% of us’ll be having sex. Our models pretty confidently predict upwards of 90% of students asleep by 10:30,” said Abby Teren ‘18, also an engineering student.

To those that may have safety concerns regarding the impending darkness, the engineering students have, of course, developed a contingency plan.

“We bought Pubsafe roughly 120 flashlights and and they’ll be randomly patrolling campus for the duration of the night. If anything goes wrong you should probably just scream. It’s not that big of a campus, someone will hear. Oh, I guess, the blue light beacons will still be functioning. But screaming’s probably easier anyways,” said Teren.

Although the engineering students will be causing the blackout, repairs will be left to workbox. The college is expected to be returned to fully functional status some time between mid-April and next October.

The department of engineering will also be hosting a reading of the children’s book Go the F*ck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach at 8:30pm in Hicks Hall.

MJ to fully automate divestment protest process

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In response to the recent citations of four Mountain Justice student protesters, MJ has decided to dramatically escalate their divestment campaign. In order to do so, MJ has enlisted the help of a large team of computer science and engineering students to fully automate the divestment campaign. With the help of a web crawler, Facebook chat bot, and neural network, MJ will be emailing a new divestment petition to every current Swarthmore student, every newly admitted member of the class of 2021, every living Swat alumnus, and unfortunately more than a few deceased alumni. This petition will include a new feature for alumni where they can list dollar amounts of donations that they’re not giving to the school because of the college’s refusal to divest. Although the petition is expected to yield signatures far exceeding the size of the present student body, the petition will likely not return a number of signatures rivalling the size of the endowment and will therefore be entirely ignored by the administration.

“Our new divestment campaign is going to be bigger and better than any divestment campaign so far. Obviously, we’re bringing back the petition, that one’s always a fan favorite. We’re also really going to double down on the sit-ins, because that seems really hot at the moment, but to really make a statement, we’ve decided on a quadruple-headed approach this time and are introducing two entirely new campaign,” said Jessica Terra ‘19.  

One new campaign focuses on sending the Board of Managers hourly updates of the number of individuals who’ve signed the petition and the amount of money not donated to the school. To avoid the MJ email address simply being blacklisted, MJ is asking students to install a new app they’ve created on their cell phones which will rotate between users of the app, occasionally utilizing the user’s phone to email, text, call, fax, and LinkedIn DM members of the Board of Managers. The app will be available for iOS, Android, Windows Phone, Blackberry, and Nokia flip phone and the the hourly update duties will be distributed among the set of users using a neural network.

The sit-in protest will also be fully automated. Engineering students have constructed a group of humanoid robots which will sit in the offices of Vice President of Finances and Administration Gregory Brown, Chief Investment Officer Mark Amstutz, Associate Dean of Students Nathan Miller, and President Valerie Smith for an indefinite period of time. In order to comply with the Student Code of Conduct, these robots will be fully functional personal assistants, assisting (and not interfering with) the day to day work of the administrators. In order to be effective as a protest, however, the robots will continuously emit subliminal pro-divestment messages, which largely consist of polar bear trivia. The technology, of course, utilizes neural networks to govern the robot’s administrative assistant capabilities.

When it was pointed out to MJ that these robots probably are already against the Student Code of Conduct and, if not, definitely will be by next year when the college updates the Code of Conduct to bar even more forms of student protest, MJ members responded by saying that the robots probably don’t count as students and can’t be cited and weigh approximately 800 pounds each so it’s not like PubSafe could really move them even if they wanted to.

The fourth head of MJ’s new quadruple headed approach is an innovative new protest technique where MJ is combining their Responsible Endowments Fund with a million layer neural network to actively target the college’s fossil fuel investments and decrease their value through a series of minor market exchanges indecipherable to the human mind.

“To be honest, I’m not even sure what this one does. It sort of makes sense, but this isn’t something that should actually work, is it?” said MJ member someone someone.

“This should definitely not work,” said Associate Professor of Computer Science, someone someone.

Sharples voted as the best restaurant on campus

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For the 53rd year, Sharples Dining Hall won the Best Cafeteria Award on Swarthmore’s campus. From food quality to sanitation, Sharples won first place in every category of judgment, easily beating out its competitors, a streak that has not been broken since 1964.

“We are so proud of our achievement,” Sharples staff, Sadie McDelu said. “I think what really sets us apart from our competitors is that we have menus that change on a daily basis, and the student response is usually really good. Our signature pasta bar especially is a signature menu that gives a meal at Sharples its reputation as a world-famous, top-quality dining experience.”

Critics largely attributed Sharples’ high rank to its customers’ loyalty to the restaurant. According to Anton Ego, food critic, after dining three times at Sharples, he noticed a remarkable repetition of the faces he saw at the dining hall. Excluding summer, when students are unable to eat at Sharples due to its closure, the dining hall is always full of people.

“You know a restaurant is good when you see that its customers keep coming back on a regular basis,” Ego said. “This is something that not every restaurant can easily achieved, and I applaud Sharples for being able to do what many restaurant owners only dream of.”

The announcement of the achievement came to no surprise for many students, who were ecstatic about Sharples’ record-breaking achievement.

“Sharples deserves this more than any other dining hall on our campus,” Elisa Nakayama ’19 said. “You don’t know how happy and amazed we are that Sharples has, for five decades, been able to clinch the top spot every single year despite such fierce competition. Once again, Sharples proved that it is second to none on our campus, and there is nobody who can deny that fact.”

In addition to the students, various Swarthmore alumni sent congratulatory messages as well via the alumni newsletter.

“Sharples is a blessing for Swarthmore,” Michael McMickey ’16 said. “During my time there, I loved Sharples so much that I ate all three of my meals there every day. In fact, it was so good that I always cried every time I ate there, even though I’ve been there so many times. I’ve even sharplifted several times and secretly stole food whenever it was so good. If there is one thing I really miss about Swarthmore, it is Sharples, especially its amazing pasta bar.”

In addition to its popularity, critics also cited Sharples’ gracious dining coupons for its customers. Named OneCard, in reference to the coupons’ reputation for always holding the top spot in its category, the system has been very customer friendly, even allowing for an option for customers to eat unlimited amount of times in the hall, if they wish to do so.

“Thanks to the unlimited meal plan, I can have Sharples whenever I want, however many times I want,” Nakayama said. “We didn’t have that last year and I was always so sad, because I would always be forced to eat at places like Bamboo Bistro to save up my meals. Bamboo is nothing compared to Sharples, and now that I am on the unlimited plan, I can have Sharples all day, every day!”

In the meantime, Sharples has once again been nominated for the Best Cafeteria award for 2018.

Swarthmore freezes dormitories to save energy

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To keep up with Swarthmore’s commitment to being green and eco-friendly, Swarthmore announced Tuesday that it will leave dormitories without heating outside of the facilities department’s office hours. This announcement follows its declaration of Operation Cold War, which turned off hot waters for showers last December.

“We are trying to live up to our promise to become an eco-friendly institution,” said Olaf Snowman, facilities staff member. “We saved a lot of money when we turned off hot water in various dorms last year. We thought it would be a great idea to try something like that again, so we’re going to turn off the heaters in many dorms. But students should not worry at all! My lovely colleagues in the Worth Health Center will be there to help should students fall ill due to our commitment to eco-friendliness. Everything will be fine!”

Nicole McEskimo, another facilities staff member, expressed approval of this announcement, citing not only its positive environmental effects, but also its initiative to move the world toward a more “natural” state.

“Things like heaters are the number one things that move the human world farther away from the natural state of being in which the Earth was created upon,” McEskimo said. “When humans did not have any heaters, we braved the winter cold with just fire, a natural element of the Earth. Nowadays, not only are we using electricity to create fake heat, we are normalizing the use of this terrible, unnatural creation, which hinders the natural processes of Mother Nature. We must reduce use of such inventions to an absolute minimum.”

When asked if she ever turns on heaters at home, McEskimo started talking about her own experience living in a dormitory 40 years ago as a college student.

According to Dana Alice Kemp, Workbox staff member, part of this initiative’s goal is to teach students a lesson for complaining too much about the flaky heat systems.

“Students should feel grateful that they have heat in the first place,” Kemp said. “I think Swarthmore students need to learn to think more positively. Having heat is not a right. It is a privilege that is only given to those who deserve it. We want to show that we can always take it away if we feel like we should.”

Student anger was apparent as soon as the facilities department made this announcement. Residents of Wharton Hall, who still enjoy complimentary ice cold showers to this day, picketed  around the building demanding the administration immediately turn the heaters back on. Some students who have friends living in Strath Haven Condominiums or other off-campus housing resorted to camping out there, after reportedly having shiver attacks in their own rooms. The anger, however, was especially apparent among residents in Mary Lyons.

“Thank you, Swarthmore, for giving me another reason to hate my dorm,” said Brieanna Merry ’20, a resident of Mary Lyons. “I used to feel so relieved after I finally got to my dorm every day to some heat, because it actually made me feel like I was at home, like many people in ML feel. But instead, I now return to an igloo after nearly freezing to death outside. My roommate and I are thinking about creating a makeshift bonfire in the middle of our room. Maybe then, at least we will find out what being an Eskimo is like! How exciting is that! So thankful that Swarthmore is stretching itself to this extent to give me a true liberal arts education and hands-on learning! Can I get academic credit for this?”

The heater, according to the facilities staff, will remain turned off until the beginning of the summer.

Disclaimer: This article was written with a purely satirical purpose. All of the information presented in this article are thus false.

Students haunted by their future selves for taking five credits

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With few days left of the Add/Drop period, students have reported odd hallucinations to the Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), claiming to see an enraged, worn-out identical to themselves in appearance and claiming to be from the future, in apparent anger and distress. Coincidentally, the victims of these hallucinations are all currently registered to take five or more classes, and do not plan to drop any courses before Add/Drop ends.

“I was happily moving from my Discrete Math class to my Constitutional Law class when I felt everything coming to a halt for no reason,” said Eckstrah Würcawholik ’20. “Time suddenly stopped and everything around me blacked out, and then I saw what seemed like a wretched version of myself that I usually only see in the mirror during exam week. The being then started to yell at me for making the choices I made in that desperate angry voice I use whenever I complain about workload. I was honestly very confused because I know I am perfectly sane right now and I have never hallucinated before.”

In addition to Discrete Math and Constitutional Law, Würcawholik was enrolled in a seminar on Water Policies in China, First Year Seminar on the Cold War, and Introduction to Computer Systems at the time of publication.

Felicia Hardkor ’ 19, a student who is currently enrolled in five courses and is shadowing three more, reported to The Phoenix that she has had a particularly haunting experience with the hallucination. According to Hardkor, a person with thick dark circles and a face that appeared identical to Hardkor’s, violently woke her up from her sleep and started pouring out an angry tirade for picking classes the way she did during the Add/Drop period.

“I was quite frightened to be honest,” Hardkor said. “But I wasn’t frightened because I was hallucinating. What really shook me was that the thing I saw in my hallucination was exactly how I looked at 3 a.m. in McCabe Library last December during exam week. I’m not planning on dropping any courses though—I think I can handle everything.”

Some hallucinations that were reported to CAPS even took a violent turn. Nigel Schtobvorn ’18 reported that he was punched in the stomach and slapped across the face by the creature in his hallucination. Schtobvorn, who, at the time of writing, was slated to take a total of 5.5 credits, was immediately taken to Worth Health Center to recover from his injuries.

“I don’t remember the incident too well because it all happened in a blur, but I know that I was punched and slapped really hard by what seemed like a clone of myself,” Schtobvorn said. “The creature was also yelling at me, telling me that it came from the future, and that I was currently looking at myself during exam week at the end of this spring semester. The creature looked like it hadn’t eat or slept for three days. I’m honestly very confused at what just happened to my life, but I don’t plan on dropping any of my classes just because of a stupid hallucination.”

Despite such occurrences, some people are glad that these things are happening to students who are taking five or more credits. Mitchell Toljya ’19, who is a Student Academic Mentor (SAM), was glad to see that these hallucinations are happening to warn those students of the semester ahead.

“These are all students who are not listening to the advice I give on not taking five credits in a semester,” Toljya said. “I have no idea how these hallucinations are happening in the first place, but I’m just going to think that the things these students are seeing are actually versions of themselves in May during exam week, time traveling back to this Add/Drop week to give their January-selves hell for taking five or more credits in the first place.”

Swarthmore forces students to take cold showers

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As part of the overall goal to prepare students for the real world, the Swarthmore’s Facilities Department, with the approval of the administration, decided to limit the availability of hot water usage for showers and sinks in dormitory restrooms. According to Elsa Frost, head of the Facilities Department, this is not only an economic advantage for Swarthmore, but also a chance to prepare students for tragedies in life.

“If they fall off a boat in winter, how are they going to survive the cold water?” Frost said. “What we are doing here in Facilities is preparing them to face the worst of the situations. In a way, this is an extension to the swim tests that we have here in Swarthmore, which I know is very, very necessary for the safety of our students. Every student here can swim, but what use is that if they can’t face the cold water? They have to get used to it, and force themselves to tolerate cold showers. Or else, they can’t survive life, as far as I know. I want to be able to tell my friends that I am saving lives of our future generation when I’m at work.”

Hannah Marine, Head Coach of the Varsity Swimming Team, echoed Frost’s sentiments.

“I am so glad Facilities is forcing students to take cold showers,” Marine said. “You know, I always tell my athletes to not let anything stop you—not just in swimming but in life. You can’t afford to have obstacles bring you down. To me, I think cold water is a perfect obstacle that students need to become brave enough to tackle on their own. Are you going to let cold water hinder your opportunity to shower? Or are you going to just not shower forever? Cold showers teach students character, and I think forcing students to take a cold shower can be an invaluable educational opportunity. Maybe if I start forcing my five-year old son to shower in cold water, he will start behaving himself…”

The plan, dubbed “Operation Cold War,” was first proposed in October but was passed in late November in order to match the transition into winter. It allows Facilities full control over when to turn heating on or off. Although The Phoenix tried to ask the Facilities which times they allow hot water to flow, the department responded that that information is “top secret that cannot be revealed to anyone except the Facilities staff.”

“Another value of this plan is that it teaches patience,” said Facilities staff member Blanche Umbridge. “When a student is in a hurry to shower, I guess this wouldn’t work, because he or she would decide to face the cold water. Otherwise, students need to wait for the cold water because they don’t know when the hot water will come out; they need to practice patience and wait. Patience is a virtue in life, and we are doing our part to educate our students to have patience in life. For this reason, we cannot reveal when we turn on our hot water systems, because it would destroy our goal to provide an educational environment for students outside of the classroom.”

A net effect of this plan is a sudden surge of the number of students reporting to the Worth Health Center claiming that they have caught a cold. At the time of writing, over 600 students have visited Worth in order to receive proper care and medicine for sickness caused by the cold. Despite this, the Facilities Department showed no concerns.

“I am not concerned at all,” Umbridge said. “I know Swarthmore students are brave, strong, young men and women who can definitely handle a cold fine by themselves. Besides, being sick teaches character too. I am satisfied to see my colleagues at Worth working very hard. What I am worried about, however, is whether any of those students were lying purposefully to get us change back to our old system. If there is one thing I cannot tolerate, it is dishonesty. I’m going to find out who of those 600 students are liars and bring them to my office. I will have them write that they will never tell lies again. Of course, I will provide them with tea and cats to pet while they write.”

Operation Cold War is set to end in late February, when the Facilities will switch to an opposite plan to dispense boiling water in shower stalls.

Disclaimer: This article was written purely with a satirical purpose. The information presented in this article is thus false and completely untrue.

Anti-Trump supporters start colony in Antarctica

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Feeling absolutely disgusted and worn out over the results of the presidential election on Nov. 8, several Hillary Clinton supporters started a new nation in Antarctica to avoid having to live under the reign of President-elect Donald Trump. This move, initiated by Hollis LeMise, former resident of Ohio, has, at the time of writing, already garnered 200,000 supporters, with 4,000 already moving into the new colony.

“I come from Ohio, a state that technically was a game-changer on election night,” LeMise said. “I’ve been grappling over the fact that I live with a bunch of Trump supporters around my neighborhood, and I decided that I just can’t stand it anymore. Frankly, I’d rather go live with penguins than live with Trump supporters. I want to apologize to the people of the United States and allies around the world for the mess that my stupid state has helped create for all of us. I am creating this colony to do my part in providing an alternative life for those of us who were sensible enough to vote against our President-elect.”

According to Jackson Burushito, LeMise’s partner in the initiative, the new nation, loosely called the Untied State of America, will ensure a shelter for everyone interested in running away from the U.S. Each igloo will feature basic furniture and heating facilities to keep residents warm. The ice blocks that make up the igloo will be coated, so that the heat will not melt the house down. If the resident wishes, he or she will also be provided a therapy penguin to appease the resulting shock from Donald Trump’s victory.

“Hollis and I want to provide a space for our fellow citizens to run away from the reality and come back when things are better,” Burushito said. “We want all Americans to understand that Antarctica will be a place of mental freedom and relief, and will allow citizens to have some therapeutic time to smoothly register the fact that our nation has elected a complete buffoon to lead this country.”

The initiative quickly went viral, garnering the attention of many all over the world, including various world leaders. A spokesperson for Erna Solberg, Prime Minister of Norway, applauded the efforts of LeMise and Burushito, and offered to help them create a colony that could follow a model of government similar to that of Norway. A spokesperson for Guoni Thorlacius Johannesson, President of Iceland, expressed similar sentiments. The most impassioned statement, however, came from the spokesperson for Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada.

“I hope Americans realize that Canada is not a simple go-to country that people can just simply run away to because of an election,” the spokesperson said. “We are not your counselors who will listen to your own set of problems just because you think we don’t have any. We are starting to empathize with Mr. Trump’s fascination with a huge wall because we are about to think of building one of our own along our southern border. We applaud Ms. LeMise and Mr. Burushito for their efforts in taking the matter on their own hands instead of bringing a poor country that happens to share a border with America into this mess.”

LeMise and Burushito are currently expanding the project to cater to every American interested in moving to Antarctica. They project that roughly a quarter of the U.S. will follow through with the project and participate.

“I am a stalwart advocate of the principle that the best thing to do when you’re under a tremendous amount of stress is to simply run away and never come back—or come back after a long time,” LeMise said. “Through this project, we are making it easy for everyone who is interested to run away from problems and come back whenever they feel like it.”

Disclaimer: This article was written purely with a satirical purpose. The information presented in this article is thus false and completely untrue.

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