I fully support the Swarthmore students whom the college is seeking to punish for their political protests, and I hope the school reconsiders and drops all disciplinary actions against them. But if that doesn’t happen, if the administration is really committed to going down this path, then I think at the very least they need to start getting more honest with the public about what the college does (and does not) actually stand for.
In an effort to be helpful in this regard, I’ve taken the liberty of suggesting a few addendums to various (actual) paragraphs on the Swarthmore College website, so that they may more accurately reflect current reality:
1. Our Mission: Swarthmore College provides students with a transformative liberal arts education grounded in rigorous intellectual inquiry, and empowers them to “mind the light” within themselves so they may contribute to making a better world.*
*…starting right after graduation!
2. We commit to this mission by devoting ourselves to peace, equity, and social responsibility* rooted in our founding as a Quaker institution.
*Within reason of course. Don’t forget, Swarthmore may have been founded by Quakers; it’s not officially a Quaker school. Most likely those founders intended all the “peace/equity” stuff not to be a hard rule but more of a … suggestion, like “Call your mother when you can,” or “Stay hydrated.”
3. In 1969, Swarthmore’s Black protest movement took over the Admissions Office demanding increased black enrollment. The activism of these courageous individuals paved the way for future generations of Swarthmore students. At great risk to themselves, they fought for justice at the College and forever changed the school’s trajectory.*
*Why, you may ask, are the 1969 protestors (who occupied a campus office) lauded and praised today by the school while current student protestors (who encamped on a lawn) condemned and subject to harsh penalties? Valid question. It’s important to remember that the ’69 takeover was also controversial and inflammatory in its time. It was only years later that the school embraced the protest, once its intrinsic righteousness and moral clarity were undeniable. (Also the protestors were no longer angry kids but now charming older folks — that helped too!) This raises the intriguing question: might the current generation of student protestors ultimately be vindicated by the passage of time and the natural evolution of mainstream progressive ideals? All we can say is — we hope not! We’ll look pretty silly if it happens again!
4. A great Swarthmore tradition: each Sunday night before the start of fall classes, students flock to the campus auditorium to watch the 1967 classic The Graduate. Swatties are encouraged to yell and clap at their favorite parts, such as when Ben Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) is asked about his post-college plans or when Mr. McGuire praises “plastics” as the wave of the future.*
*To be clear, Swatties are encouraged to yell and clap in support of Mr. McGuire, who has invested in a very profitable technology and wisely avoided the slippery slope of politicizing his family’s financial portfolio.
5. The Investment Committee manages the endowment to yield the best long term financial results, rather than to pursue other social objectives.*
*Since 1991, that is. Yes, it’s true that in 1991, after ten-plus years of protests, the college did divest from companies that supported the apartheid regime in South Africa. But by then it was like — duh! Even so, it was annoying to have to do it, so when no one was looking we made a rule against ever doing it again. And we stand by that rule even more strongly today — too much money at stake, divestment too complicated. So yeah, some of the endowment is invested in companies profiting from what Amnesty International has called a genocide and yeah, we get why that’s troubling to many of you but hey — stop doomscrolling and screaming at us and take a walk in the Crum Woods! Get some fresh air. And think about all the good we do with our endowment proceeds! Many of you are here on scholarships that are paid for with that money for cryin’ out loud! Bottom line, kids — Swarthmore, for all of its Quaker blah-blah-blah is a large institution inextricably woven into the American capitalist/imperialist structure and nothing’s going to change that. We earn some blood money, sure, but we do good stuff with it — and that’s what elite progressivism is all about! No matter where you started in life, when you get your Swarthmore degree (assuming you don’t protest your way out of here) you’re now a member of that elite! You’re officially part of that capitalist/imperialist system even if you think you’re a revolutionary! It’s a mindfuck, right? Hey, we totally get the paradox — we may be old but we smoked pot in college just like you! (Which was illegal then but we did it anyway and got away with it, and now we’re prosecuting current students … It’s all crazy shit, right??)
Michael Weithorn ’78
Writer of The Phoenix’s “At Large” humor column from 1975-1978
