These past few weeks, more so than ever since going to college, I have had to make many hard decisions. Stumbling upon two roads diverged in a yellow path, both having their own pros and cons, and more urgently, I have realized how hard life is. How hard it is to navigate life all on your own. How hard it is to make decisions that you won’t regret. So recently, I have been pondering about how we can make well-decided decisions. How can we be satisfied with the choices we currently make and realize, in hindsight, that it was indeed a good decision?
With so many midterms, group projects to make time to meet up for, and tests to pull all-nighters studying for, the weight gets heavier as a first-year college student. Does it get any better? Many times in the past, I’ve realized these decisions that I would stay up worrying about were a waste of time as it doesn’t help prepare me for the regret I’ll face for either option.
It’s frustrating. How do we make a good decision? How do we know when we’ve landed on the right answer? Should I go to an event I already committed to or prioritize my worn out body and rest?
Will it make that much of a difference?
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. And no one can make the decision for you. Oh God. Life is so hard sometimes, filled with unclear right or wrong ways to go. How do we live a life that we won’t regret? How do we forge a life where we can triumphantly proclaim: I am happy with the way I lived this life?
Maybe it’s about forgiveness and giving yourself the grace it needs and proudly declaring to yourself that it was okay. Okay to not know what to do and not be able to make the right choice. What if there is no “right” choice in life but it is merely about what we do with these choices and chances that we are granted in life?
At the root of this dilemma is the fear of regretting: Will I end up looking back and wishing I had taken the other path? It’s like I’m at a bus stop, deciding whether to get on or not, to continue living the way you live or to gather the courage and step out into a new world. But as I’m reflecting on this decision, everyone around me has already boarded the bus and the driver is staring at me in confusion. Still a few seconds later, and I’m still standing in front of the bus doors, but then the bus doors finally close and my brain goes into a panic mode: No, No, don’t leave me. But my heartstrings tug me to another chant: Yes, yes, yes, you should stay. And as I’m still making these decisions, the bus slowly starts to drive away and it’s almost like in slow-motion, but your heart and mind is racing: What should I do? What should I do? Is this a good decision to let the bus go?
There is no way to tell time to stop and pull the Hermione Granger time capsule. The only time is now.
And perhaps it’s not that big of a deal. And perhaps I wouldn’t regret it in the end for having tried my best and not boarding the bus. And perhaps, in the next minute, maybe you saw me turn around and cross the street, letting the bus leave for just this time.
