White Monster: The New Kombucha?

“Like, every sip I take of this elixir, I get one step closer to God.” What vision-inducing beverage could Joann Reynolds, a regular at the local YMCA’s leftmost StairMaster machine, be referring to? Maybe green tea, a natural and earthy drink that people all over the world swear by for its life-extending properties? Or could it be kefir, a yogurt beverage with probiotic properties that prevent gastrointestinal issues such as hemorrhoids and muddy diarrhea? Perhaps kombucha, a fermented, slightly alcoholic drink that claims to detoxify one’s body and provide endless health benefits? The answer is none of the above. Reynolds is mature – she’s 58 years of age and has lived a long, grief-stricken life filled with obstacles such as divorce and birthing babies. She’s grown past trendy fads such as matcha or “the booch.” Reynolds has found enlightenment, and she has found it in Zero Sugar White Monster. 

This magical beverage, formally known as Zero Ultra White, is a low-calorie alternative to the traditional black and green Monster beverages so commonly scattered in grocery store fridges across the globe. Monster Energy describes the flavor profile of the zero-sugar drink as “light, refreshing citrus,” with 150 milligrams of caffeine per can (about 1.5 cups of coffee worth). Despite this humble flavor description, Jeanette Miller, head chef of a Michelin-star restaurant in rural Pennsylvania, describes it as, “an unexplainable symphony of flavors melding together seamlessly. We get the brightness from the citrus, the kick from the carbonation, and the mildness from its light and airy sweetness. Un. Beat. Able.” 

In addition to caffeine, Zero Sugar White Monster is packed with other supplements that help its consumers perform to their full potential. For example, one of the most misunderstood ingredients is taurine, a supplement that aids in endurance and protects the heart. Contrary to popular opinion, taurine is actually not a stimulant. Other ingredients include inositol and L-carnitine; inositol increases the efficiency of nutrient processing to produce energy, while L-carnitine helps produce energy from fatty acids. While drinks like green tea and kombucha may be sourced naturally, they fail in comparison to the clean ingredients of Zero Sugar White Monster, as well as the refreshing citrus flavor profile. 

The chemical composition of Zero Sugar White Monster is enough to convince anyone of its amazing properties, but what do the people actually say? 

 “Zero Sugar White Monster, like, totally changed my life. I used to be tired and sad all the time. I had no motivation to do anything,” said Will Schmidt, a senior engineering college student. “After my first sip of this elixir, I was sent on a vision quest which allowed me to recognize the continuous cycle of life and death and my subconscious human desire to remain a prisoner to it. After consuming Zero Sugar White Monster, I’ve been able to follow the eightfold path and have, thus, broken the cycle of samsara. Death is no longer my biggest fear – attachment to material objects is.” 

Unsurprisingly, Schmidt isn’t the only consumer who feels this way. In a poll conducted by and for college students around the state of Pennsylvania, it was found that 97% of Zero Sugar White Monster consumers believe they experienced a mystical experience. According to Harvard psychologist and philosopher William James, the attributes associated with a mystical experience are noetic quality, ineffability, and paradoxicality. For those struggling with faith, with a philosophy of life, or with decaffeination, studies show that Zero Sugar White Monster could be the answer.

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